Apparently it is Wednesday!?

Hello my friends!

I hope your week is treating you well :). I have been in a bit of a funk and hiding away,sorry all.  Empathy takes over my soul in larger forms at times and it has been one of those times.

My current mood

There is just so much negativity &/or violence in this world. Every news alert that pops up on my ever connected phone, just depresses me at this point. Can America get its shit together – please? Of course it is all over, across the seas too and my heart goes out to them as well. So… how about this… WORLD CAN WE GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER!?

I guess a lot has been buzzing through my mind. I have been thinking of how the future of the US will turn out… I am mildly concerned. There was struggle before but now…ugh. 

It just makes my head spin. I had a list of my thoughts and feelings on some matters, but I erased them. When I drop that post, I want it to be in a clear state of mind :).

Anyway! So, outside of some “blahs” of mine, there has been some good and I need to focus on that. So here is a list of happier things from the past week+!

  • I bought a couple hibiscus trees for my garden and I love them. The colors are just so beautiful and bring me joy when I am out in my yard with the pups or laying in my hammock 🌺.
  • PRIDE weekend just finished up, there was a lot of love in Columbus which is a beautiful thing.
  • I trimmed up Barley my middle fur-child as he had RAGING fluff pantaloons (much worse the Syd). However, apparently someone is shy and kept sitting down when I tried to shave up his legs and bum. Which as you could imagine, left him with uneven fluff cheeks. That is right….eventually I accepted the defeat and just let it go. A woman can only fight their pupper so long, in the heat, face to dog butt – trying to even out cheeks. Pretty image eh!? Haha so there is that…ahem.  #bestdogmomaward goes to me
  • My blog reached 1337 likes – which is super exciting! Since I have been kind of slacking, I was happy to receive any award at this point. Slow progression is still something to be proud of! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! 😭
  • I successfully dodged the Foul Fowl (turkey) again and came out alive when I visited my father. Additional note… he now has a baby turkey too, so I really don’t know what I will do when that one grows up. Sorry Dad…I JUST CAN’T.
  • Summer is officially here!😎☀️
  • I started up a vitamin regiment and have been sticking to it. This may seem small and silly for most, but it is huge for me. I am terrible at taking pills besides my antidepressants and birth control. However, I am trying to take better care of myself.

I think that is about it for me. I will be posting my weekly photo challenge later as well!

How are you all doing!? Thank you for always supporting me and sending love my way! ❤

xoxo,

Dogs, Moms and hikes with frogs! Also 200 FOLLOWERS!?

Hello friends!

Oh, how I missed you all! Come on in for an awkward group hug! ❤

Well, I took some “me” time this weekend and went hiking this weekend… Against my better sinusitis judgement, but it was worth it (I think). I got out, stretched the legs, took a couple photos, took my time with the day and played with pups…it was nice. I did not have reception though, so I feel so disconnected from the world – SO BEHIND ON ALL THE THINGS!

Here are some photos of my adventure – I did not edit them… Because I’m still in sloth mode – but I hope you enjoy them! 🖤

Let’s see here…

Sloth Mode – I am so sorry I am behind on reading your comments and posts! I have already started my replies and reading some, I will be catching up today for sure! Thank you for not forgetting about me and being patient – love you all!

I also realized that I did not even do a my photo challenge for last week… hopefully I will get that done before the next one rolls out :).

Boss Babe Vibes – I felt like I did some serious work here? Turns out when I looked at my “to-do” list…I crossed off like 2 things. So there is that… I ordered my business cards (YES!) ordered a few things that I needed for my home office, which is def something I need to channel all my extra energy into this week. My printer is not even hooked up and I need to create and PRINT! Ugh… I have piles of laundry in my office?? So in terms of work environment, it does not exist. I will get there :).

So the product that I will be selling, which is so near and dear to my fair, sensitive, crazy ass skin is… (drum roll) … is natural bath, body and home products. The fun thing is, you can create your own scent with essential and fragrance oils – it’s a pretty fab idea. In addition, you can customize the label to anything you want – like my title for a new lotion was inspired by Alice of course and named it “Wildflower.” Anyway, so I went all crazy lady in concocting this signature scent for me 🙂 it was lovely and I cannot wait to get it. I also made a natural flea and tick spray for my puppers because I take being a dog mom very seriously lol…. *obsessively checking email for updates*.

Not so social media – I took a bit of a break from posting every day for the IG #selflovebootcamp with @omgkenzieee , I feel pretty mixed about it. I did not keep up with the challenge /commitment but man – it was too consuming with all the feels and whatnot. Perhaps I will do a weekly version? I am still thinking on how I can do this so I can still feel human and work towards a better me. Additionally, not lose sight of what my DOTMK IG was for, while it is all mental health related, if I have to post one more pic of me specifically, I may just lose it haha. I am tired of seeing it myself all haha.

Sore Legs & Self Love – My hike kicked my ass too. I am a pro at hibernating like you have never seen. Sleep all day and all night without a prob?! ME! Perhaps it is because of all my insomnia days. My body is finally resting? Or perhaps I am still depressed, humm! Regardless, I got out and moved which I need to do more of. I have to get my cholesterol checked again this week to compare since I have had high levels for the past two years and I have not done much about it. I know… people see a petite gal and do not think cholesterol probs but it is very real my friends. It comes in high doses of pizza and napping haha. So I am going to try to do better, it is all I can do. Same with everything else in my life I suppose, I am a work in progress friends, a true hot mess of a human haha. Which reminds me, I saw this shirt from www.lookhuman.com quite fitting eh!?

Speaking of Mothers – I did spend some time with mine yesterday, despite our um… unique relationship. I got her a card and tried to find the perfect Hallmark card for her. However, there is not a “eh you probably did your best” version. I tried to find one, trust me. Instead, I flipped through sappy cards that just did not fit and ended up settling with one that seemed full of lies and flowers. I am glad that it is over, I did my part world.

I got a couple “happy dog mom” texts and even received a homemade card from Caterpillar which was super kind, he used photos that I did not even realize that he took of me and my heathen dogs. This is his second year doing this for me, so perhaps he does care? Who knows 😉 . Can I say that homemade gifts are the fucking best? Like even simple things, I would take a drawn stick figure over some overpriced thing any day. Maybe I am just easily pleased haha.

The GRIND – Work is about to kick up for me as it is intern season – RUN! I will do my best to keep up with all of you fabulous people.

BLOG – OMG! I hit 200 FOLLOWERS today!!!! 🎉 THANK YOU MY LOVES!!! You all are the best and I can’t wait to keep learning about all of you 🙏🏻. Thanks again for all your support 😘. #blessed #dancingforjoy

Ahem. Sorry – got excited 😁

How was your weekend!? Did you receive anything for Mother’s Day? Do anything different or exciting? TELL ME EVERYTHING! 😘😘

Love you all and talk again soon! 

Follow me down the social rabbit hole – Instagram & Pinterest

Addiction & Mental Illness

Hello friends!

To continue with the theme of Mental Health Awareness, I wanted to branch a little further and address addiction and substance abuse as well – as it is not uncommon for some to suffer from both, otherwise known as co-occurring disorders.

**Please remember, I am not a physician – just a gal sharing her experiences and providing resources**

It seems like over the past couple years, I have heard more about heroin overdoses than I ever have. It is scary, I have personally known friends who struggle with addiction and it greatly impacts their lives…their families and children. It saddens me greatly to hear about someone I know who cannot seem to stay in treatment despite what they have been blessed with or the support system around them. I am not sure if stigma has something to do with this, or what. My struggle with substances have never been that level of destruction, so if you have any insight on this and why it can be a struggle for the addict, I would love to hear your thoughts or stories!

“Millions of Americans suffer from anxiety disorders, and millions also suffer from substance use disorders. The illnesses can develop independently from one another, or one can cause the other.

Although people with anxiety disorders don’t always develop substance use disorders, or vice versa, research shows strong associations between the two. An estimated 18 percent of all people with substance use disorders have an anxiety disorder.”

– DrugRehab.com

In my own personal experience, the few addicts that I know, do have issues with coping and this is their release. The quick fix if you will, that we have all heard about over the years. We must help encourage change! If you or someone you know is struggling – try to make that first step in assisting them or yourself. There are many helpful resources out there both locally and beyond. For further information or help finding treatment near you, family or friends – please check out the below links:

 

Continue to be strong my friends, not only for you but your loved ones as well!! ❤

xoxo,

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Monday coffee, birthday weekend recap and my stand off with the Foul Fowl 🦃

 

Good evening  friends & happy Monday to all of you! I have been away for a few days – so lets catch up shall we!?

Friday: I took my lovely puppers to the dog park in the evening, we all made some new friends – with and without fur. There is nothing quite like watching your once anxiety ridden dog play without fear and greet the occasional human – Sydney has been a work in progress since I got her in 2013? So proud dog mom moment :). Then the rain came and I had to pack up the pups and head home :). Ordered Chinese, started a Netflix binge – then BAM the storm knocked out my electric for… like 4 damn hours. Fun fact, I cannot sleep in a dead quiet home. I just can’t relax enough to sleep…also heard from Caterpillar during this black out but that is for another day….maybe.

Saturday: The Golden Birthday had arrived and I was quite exhausted and definitely too sleep deprived to get my photo taken for my ID…but such is life lol. After a nice leisurely hour, waiting to give the BMV all my monies – I finally got the adult portion of the day out of the way! VICTORY! So off to go do some crafty things with my friend P who also brought a lovely cake and flowers for my birthday – very sweet. She found a local painting place, so we found some cute ceramics and began painting, I chose a cute little gnome – I will make sure to share him after he is fired and looking fabulous in his colorful attire. Ironically, I did not see the name of the green that I chose for his coat right away… turns out it was called “jaded” so there is that…ahem… LOL. Anyway, we then had lunch and back to the homestead for this gal – I bought Barley a new toy  while I was out too! So I was happy to give that to him…for the 2 seconds that he had it, then Syd took it, ah siblings! I finished my evening with a ladies night in – wine, brownies, dog cuddles (true introvert moment – go to a party, love on the dog!) and great conversations – it was a good day after all. After much anticipation and excessive worry, I made it. Hello 29, here we go!! <– Still a little anxious haha.

Sunday: I slept in. I was lazy until I was forced to move and go to my fathers. He was making me a birthday dinner, so of course I had to go. I think I may have rolled out of my bed (aka: nest) around 2pm. This is what happens when you turn 29 apparently haha. Since my father lives in a farm house with yard to roam, I always load up a pup, oe two…or 3. In this instance I tried all 3, this was the first time trying to cram all 3 fifty-ish pound dogs…in my civic. Just try and picture that. Luckily, the blind pupper Ana, curls up in the passenger seat next to me and naps the entire time, the other two hang out the rear windows – slobber and fur flying everywhere, an image of pure bliss. I wish I was that happy all the time – yeeesh!

It turns out my father recently acquired a turkey. Yes, a live, waddling and terrifying turkey. I must have forgotten this little fact because judging by the size of this feathered BEAST – it clearly was an adult?

I am going to be honest with you, outside of my backyard avian friends…I don’t give a shit about birds. They terrify me. I mentioned in one of my previous posts about a couple interactions with these creatures that resulted in a few trust issues and what I would assume is a small form of PTSD.

I was greeted by this large, white mass of feathers. Yes, greeted. I rolled up dogs hanging out windows, loving life to face this… thing.

I refused to get out of my car.

In fact, I am glad to be here typing this today.  SO…I eased my little Civic to the safest place to park while I came up with my master plan.

Another fun fact: Sydney loves to chase the chickens (gotta love border collie mixes), when she saw this thing she CLEARLY wanted the challenge. The drool became excessive. I had to try to get her back inside the safe car, so I could roll up the windows… meanwhile this thing sang what I assume is its “war gobble” while staring into my soul, mocking me with its extensive wing flaps.

Image result for big turkey meme
This meme accurately showcases my turkey nemesis

So there I sat. I watched him slowly stalk around a bit, taking his sweet turkey time all the while trying to talk Sydney – the fierce bird chaser off the ledge. I just simply had to tell her… “Sydney, you do not want to go paw to claw with this one. You will get eaten, Ana will get scooped up and I will probably die some how in some tragic burst of feathers while the victorious bird drives off in my Civic.” As if Sydney understood any of this…

Yes, my friends that is where my crazy mind went to haha. Now, we waited. All dogs accounted for, it was a waiting game and perhaps dare I say a game of chicken and I was losing. It seemed like forever, but the turkey finally moved past my car, occasionally gobbling about – still mocking me strutting away to the barn. 

It was my chance. I quickly leashed up Sydney to protect her from doing anything crazy, like running towards the beast and losing an eye. Two blind dogs was not on my list post birthday. So I coaxed Barley and Ana and gently tugged Sydney inside the farm house as fast as my two legs and 12 paws would allow. Whew. The look on my father’s face said it all, I clearly looked terrified and as I explain my surprise of said bulbous turkey – he laughed.  

Thanks Dad. Way to laugh at your scared daughter and her crazy dog pack. 

So. After a few steady breaths, I released Syd and let the other pups roam the house – looking for scraps and pets. Dinner ended up being lovely, smoked ribs and corn – life couldn’t get any better for me. I passed on the salad… However, I want to note that during my meal on the porch,  I saw white fucker strut into my peripherals…He hunkered down and watched me. CLEARLY looking for round two. No mister Foul Fowl, not today. So I did what any logical adult would to, terrified of birds… I waited him out again. As soon as he went into his little home area/coop/war bunker, I waved goodbye to my father and encouraged my pups to play chase….Into the car. We drove off, without a…scratch and all accounted for – I’m just not sure if we will be visiting anytime soon 😂🦃. 

So that was my birthday weekend. It was low key, filled with love from few and survived Battle of the Turkey. 

How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting? Do you have ridiculous fears as well?? 

Thank you for all the birthday wishes as well! Barley and I appreciated the kind words and love! 

xoxo,

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How the hell did I end up this way

When I take the time to really reflect on my life and I mean really go deep in the past, I wonder simply, how the hell did I end up this way?

You see, most describe me as: sweet, too nice, dependable and very loving. I know that sounds a bit self centered but, I am just going off what I am told!

My family has and never will be a loving family.

Dinners at the table, were never a regular thing, in fact they were a rarity. Words of encouragement never really came, love and affection really was not a regular thing in both, my mother and father’s houses. In fact, it stems further back…my grandparents are not the affectionate kind either.

I have gone months without speaking to my parents and even longer for others. While some may find this a bit shocking, it’s not uncommon for us. I guess we never really made each other a priority and that is just how it has always been.

The family on my dad’s side … is the definition of aloof? ← Not sure if this is the exact word I am looking for… I am also convinced they mostly speak in mumbles, grumbles and the occasional rage outburst. Now, don’t get me wrong – there are times when I do have a somewhat normal conversation with them but let me tell you, it’s a shocker when it does happen. Aka: my entire ride back home is analyzing wtf just happened haha. The same goes for my brothers and well.. Honestly my mother and her family too. As you could imagine, holidays or family gatherings are super uncomfortable haha.

My single mother of 3, showed her love by explaining the importance of a credit score before I could drive. I mean, valuable information that ultimately did help me but we did not really talk about what I picture most mothers do or see in movies (damn you media)! There was never long phone conversations, movie nights, or bonding really. Whenever I have tried to open up to her and seek her guidance about things in life, she ignored me, literally. She still does this, she will focus on something else and never actually listen to me or she will find a way to turn it around and talk about herself. For example, the day my ex-fiance left me….6 years together, wedding plans and deposits paid and done for….just up and left and I was a disaster. My life completely turned upside down because I put a lot of effort and love in those years, his family became mine and I was closer with them than my own family….just gone. She swung by the house my ex and I just purchased and said “Well your best friend is here, you are crying and he is not here. Something must have happened.” As I try to choke out the words of what occurred…her response from across the room, scrolling or typing away on her cellphone (typical) simply was “well, sometimes people just don’t work out. Now, let me tell you about my shitty day at work and how my manager pissed me off.” That was it. No comfort as I was shattered, no words of love or encouragement or a hug. I never spoke to her about it again. It has come up here and there while I had to clean up the mess that he left but that is just how she is. I have many stories that follow that same responses or worse. The time I came to her about my deperssion when I was younger was also a horrible experience…she just does not get it and never will.

My mother did buy me things and I think that is just how she shows love? A random new leather purse, jewelry and things of that nature – while nice I guess, it is just not how I show love. She is not a terrible person, she is just who she is and as I mentioned, it seems that this stems further back in her family line. A cool demeanor, curt responses, criticism and little support is just who she is, I have accepted it long ago.

My father, while an angry fella, I love him and I lived with him for a little while when I was younger after my parents divorced. Those times were lovely, we would do things together like go camping, dirt bike riding, cook together and he also taught me how to shoot… which was nice – Daddy’s girl. He also took me to see Spice World and to a Spice Girls concert, I guess that was pretty cool and very “Dad” of him HAHA. However, when he found a younger woman who had a child, us kids kinda took the back seat in his life and they became priority. Whatever she or her child wanted, they got. He stopped doing things with my brothers and I. At times it was more apparent than others, but we slowly kind of faded to the background and it is still that way to this day. I have also learned to accept this, it took me a while though. I did not understand how a father could push his own children away and essentially place these others on a pedestal. Again, this is just who he is. He needs her in his life and will do anything to keep that going even though she leaves him often and comes crawling back over and over. I can just be there and support him when called upon.

My siblings, I have one full blooded brother and one half. I am closest with my half brother, we text and do things more often than the rest and I guess it has always been that way looking back on it. He has kind of been the normalish one of us and I am proud of him. He stuck to himself a lot, studied hard in college and made his way. He is a fellow nerd and so he usually is my Marvel movie buddy or xbox party member hahaha. My full brother was the troublemaker, most families have one I guess haha. I have been the support for him for as long as I can remember. I remember sleeping by the door when he ran away, hoping he would come back home. Or hoping he did not overdose and needed his stomach pumped again…. Mind you I was only like 10 when these things started happening. Pretty serious things for a young gal to try to understand and navigate the feelings associated with it. This came in waves and when I entered high school, he was sentenced to prison. I have seen enough prisons, both minimum and maximum to last me a lifetime. Putting together care packages and supporting him the best I could was all I could do. We would visit when we can but it was mentally and emotionally draining for me. I would do nothing but sleep the rest of the day. This was our interactions for several years, paid calls, exhausting trips and trying to encourage him to get back on the right path – which he did! Mind you, in his case while it sounds like he is terrible, he got hung up in a bad crowd and everything caught up with him. He is a good person, I think a stigma comes with that as well – he has always been good to me, in the best way he could. If he listened to anyone, it was me – my parents reminded me of this when I needed to remind him to get his head out of his ass :).

Eventually, he did. I think our growing up had a lot to do with how he spiraled out of control. He did not take well to my father pushing us aside and in terms of coping skills….not so much. I am proud to say that he did his time, which was way too long. He came out a better person, he has been on the straight and narrow ever since. Now married and living with his wife and her 2 kids. He really has amazed me.

So, as you can see – I never really had too close of a family. We lacked a lot of the qualities that families should have… if that is even a thing now? I look at my parents, whether it is their robotic ways, misguided priorities and just still wonder after all this shit and my genes…how did I end up this way?

How am I the opposite of most of them? A real black sheep of the family if you will. You would think that with the things that I have experienced, I would have turned cold because that is what I am used to and probably would have been easier than dealing with all of these feelings since I was young. To loop around to the beginning of my story, I am often told that “I care too much” or I am “too nice.” That I also let people take advantage of me, but perhaps it’s because I am used to seeing so much negative growing up, I try to find the positive in everything, I give second chances and love others too hard at times. I live by the phrases, you never know what others are going through so it’s best to be kind, even if they are not to you and to also be careful what you say, especially in anger because once it’s out, you cannot take it back.

While I take my 3 pills at night to help my anxiety and depression that has plagued me since I was 16, pop vitamin D when it’s raining for days because I just “cannot deal” with it, continue therapy on a biweekly schedule, suffer from some trust issues, live with the double edged sword of – slow to anger, sleep for days and withdraw at times… I guess I turned out okay? I am glad that I am not a cold person…especially when life has given me every reason to be.

If you made it here, congrats! Thank you for listening to my ramblings/thoughts about family and life. This has been sitting in my drafts for about a week. I have tweaked it a bit and really sat on whether I wanted to post this. It is very open, raw and quite gloomy haha. I am not sure if you will be able to take anything from this, but it was therapeutic for me. So thank you for your support.

Also remember that you are loved, worthy and special humans, I hope you a great day!

Xoxo,

Kat