Anxiety

Monday catch up with… Andrina? #Starbucksfail

June 5, 2017June 23, 2017 madkatter131 Comment

Hello my friends!

I hope that you had a good weekend and that your coffee and tea is strong this lovely Monday!

It is raining here, which always puts me in a mood. Soooo to make me feel better, I bought a coffee the size of me annnnd now I am apparently known as: Andrina? This is a new one, well done Starbucks.

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So this past week has been a bit crazy and my brain is as hazy is the world outside my window, so I think I will do this catch up in: the good, bad & ugly bullets. Ahhh simplicity on a Monday – that is what I am talking about! So here we go!

The Good

Mad Hatter Brunch – This was my first vendor event with my fierce lady boss friend, whom that I typically refer to as Sunshine… this never fit right with me and have been searching my mind for a NEW code name for her for quite some time… Now she will be referred to as…(drumroll) Honeydukes. I know… You’re probably thinking – wtf? Just hear me out and try to follow my logic here: My lovely friend and I share a love of sweets, fun, HP and her hair is blonde…it seemed perfect! Right!? IDK IT MAKES SENSE TO ME! 😘ANYWAY back to the list… Honeydukes and I attended the Mad Hatter Brunch! The brunch was in support of pediatric cancer patients and their families, so it was such a good feeling to learn more about the organization, meet some other ladies and fellow vendors. In terms of good vibes, the place was packed with them! Additionally, there were a few vendor spots which Honeydukes snagged one – so I (procrastor) ended up throwing on a sun hat and sun dress and went to support, and most importantly – witness my mentor in action and take notes for my event comes…. you know at the end of the month. No stress here (nervous laughter)… so I observed, took it all in and tried to channel my inner extrovert and do my best lol. After a few tries myself, I’m sure I will be rocking it myself 🎩👒.
Cookie Dough Creamery – This is probably one of the most important things that has ever happened to me…ever. After the lovely Mad Hattery, Honeydukes introduced me to this shop where they have “safe” edible cookie dough (I eat raw cookie dough regardless #rebel) that you can top with ice cream and several other things like sprinkles, cookie crumbles and candies. Essentially, it was what I imagine heaven to be like and I just had to share this with you!
- Do you have something similar where you live!? I must know!
Dawn Dagger Award – My lovely blogger friend and beautiful lady, comfykittea nominated me for the Dawn Dagger Award!! Thank you my dear and I will be following up with that soon! I am thinking of questions 🙂
Bachelor Pad – Caterpillar’s roommates moved out and he is now living on his own for the first time. So we have been busy the past week deep cleaning the place, gathering things and reorganizing so he can have his own little perfect space. Bonus!? I was able to pass some things on to him that was taking up space in my house and garage. YESSS! So who really is the winner here? ME! Just kidding. So, I am excited for him….while he radiates some anxiety about this big step :).With that, I am happy to report that Caterpillar and I have been doing better…. *knock on wood*. Even through this stressful time for him :). Keep your fingers crossed my lovely people.
Avian Nemesis– Do you remember my turkey story? Well, my father asked me over for lunch Sunday….which meant that I would have to face the Foul Fowl again. I am not going to lie, I did not think I would ever see my father again while that rather bulbous feathered friend, alive and strutting around the farm house. Mocking me…peering at me with those beady eyes and large wing span. HOWEVER, I gave myself a pep-talk. Like, listen – you are human! Potentially one of the most dangerous (petite) creatures, do not be bullied by this white jerk. You are bigger…ish than him! You are smarter than him and today you will show him up! Sooooo I packed up my Sydney and we drove over, because she would totally save me if I happen to opossum out in fear of this….turkey – right!? I am happy to report that he was not waiting on me at the end of the drive way this time…oh but he was lurking in the shrubbery/grass area. Syd and I managed to get inside the house and relax a bit, not a feather on my mind….until we were ready to leave. I walked out to see him strutting around. WHO DOES THIS TURKEY THINK HE IS!? With a straightened back and mustered up courage, I walked with Syd to the car. I safely got Syd in the car so I could take a few steps “closer” to try to get a picture of this turkey and you know, fight my fears! Well…. as he heard me step closer, he slowly turned towards me and let out, nothing short of what I would call a War Gobble…again. He then proceeded to stalk in my direction. At this point, I was feeling a bit anxious. This is what I get for locking up my fierce protector in the car to ensure that she would be safe. Great, who was going to protect ME now. So… I tried to snap a picture of him for you guys to see this monster buuuuut my phone camera was only able to produce this grainy, super zoomed in picture of the jerk . My friends, meet my tormentor… The good news? I am happy to say that I ran back to my car and shut the door immediately after this photo was taken, because I am apparently being bullied by this round creature and I do not trust him! Syd and I are peck free and no turkeys were harmed…..but my ego may be. Until next time my feathered foe.

The Bad & The Ugly

See picture above…
That Pap was NOT a wrap – So, I received the call. Yes, the call that we all dread from our gynecologist – stating that my pap smear came back with abnormal cells and that I would have to go back for additional testing. It appears that I will have to go back for something called an Colposcopy. Which essentially sounds like a pap on steroids and I may have to have a biopsy taken as well – depending on what they see. This kinda set the tone for my weekend, even though the nurse stated that this is “extremely common, just preventative, your other tests of HPV, gonorrhea and chlamydia were negative.” My mind just zeroed in on the “abnormal” portion, like what does this mean and how!? It did not matter that she seemed un-phased, perhaps snacking while explaining that this was not as scary as it sounds and my abnormality was “extremely mild.”Listen, I have serious anxieties and have a tendency to obsess and run/jump/catapult to worst case scenario. My colposcopy is not scheduled until the end of June so, I get to wait a bit before having this done. Here is a better description of the exam (in case you did not know like myself):“Colposcopy is a way for your doctor to use a special magnifying device to look at your vulva, vagina, and cervix. If the doctor sees a problem, he or she can take a small sample of tissue (biopsy) from the cervix or from inside the opening of the cervix. The sample is looked at under a microscope…During the test, your doctor uses a lighted magnifying device that looks like a pair of binoculars. This device is called a colposcope. It allows your doctor to see problems that would be missed by the naked eye. A camera can be attached to the colposcope to take pictures or videos of the vagina and cervix. Your doctor may put vinegar (acetic acid) and sometimes iodine on the vagina and cervix with a cotton swab or cotton balls. It allows the doctor to see problem areas more clearly.” – WebMD
^me…all weekend

Now, I know that many “non-scary” things can cause inflammation or can impact your cervical exam but it is hard to keep that in mind when the word “cancer” is mentioned but I am trying to stay positive. I have not really told anyone because… for some reason I feel ashamed or embarrassed? I have no reason to feel this way but sadly I cannot shake it off TSwift style just yet.

So I guess I have a few questions for my ladies out there:
-Have you had this procedure done (colposcopy)? If so, any tips? How did it turn out for you?
–Have you received the “abnormal” call before?

I think that is about it really, I hope you all had a good weekend, tell me all about it!!! Also, if you don’t mind, send me some calming and good luck vibes, you know with my raging anxieties and chaotic life haha. I love and appreciate you all! ❤

xoxo,

Addiction & Mental Illness

May 9, 2017 madkatter134 Comments

Hello friends!

To continue with the theme of Mental Health Awareness, I wanted to branch a little further and address addiction and substance abuse as well – as it is not uncommon for some to suffer from both, otherwise known as co-occurring disorders.

**Please remember, I am not a physician – just a gal sharing her experiences and providing resources**

It seems like over the past couple years, I have heard more about heroin overdoses than I ever have. It is scary, I have personally known friends who struggle with addiction and it greatly impacts their lives…their families and children. It saddens me greatly to hear about someone I know who cannot seem to stay in treatment despite what they have been blessed with or the support system around them. I am not sure if stigma has something to do with this, or what. My struggle with substances have never been that level of destruction, so if you have any insight on this and why it can be a struggle for the addict, I would love to hear your thoughts or stories!

“Millions of Americans suffer from anxiety disorders, and millions also suffer from substance use disorders. The illnesses can develop independently from one another, or one can cause the other.

Although people with anxiety disorders don’t always develop substance use disorders, or vice versa, research shows strong associations between the two. An estimated 18 percent of all people with substance use disorders have an anxiety disorder.”

– DrugRehab.com

In my own personal experience, the few addicts that I know, do have issues with coping and this is their release. The quick fix if you will, that we have all heard about over the years. We must help encourage change! If you or someone you know is struggling – try to make that first step in assisting them or yourself. There are many helpful resources out there both locally and beyond. For further information or help finding treatment near you, family or friends – please check out the below links:

Continue to be strong my friends, not only for you but your loved ones as well!! ❤

xoxo,

Mental Health Awareness Month!

May 3, 2017May 3, 2017 madkatter1323 Comments

Hello friends & happy Wednesday! ❤

As most of you probably know, May is Mental Health Awareness month! YAY! This is super huge for me since I have been struggling for many years.

The last year and a half was a big slump for me in regards to recovery in adulthood. My fellow mental health warriors, you may experience this too – but it comes in waves. Some days/months/year(s) go by with little to no symptoms and other times it feels like a brick hit you in the face (or treats to a puppers face) and you feel ALL THE THINGS!

So, in honor of this beautiful month – I wanted to share a summary of my history with mental illness and what I am doing this year to honor it – since I am a bit stronger than last year!

The History: My “relationship” with mental illness probably started when I was in my later years of middle school. I do not remember the exact age anymore as it’s all a little blurry at this point in my life. I do recall the feeling of overwhelming sadness, numbness, anxiety and losing my will to live. Which, is scary thought to have that young.

I remember looking for ways to “feel” again. At that point, it had consumed me and had been for a while. I danced sharp objects along my skin, the burning, the color and feeling was the only feeling that came alive. Glowing red metal rods laid across my skin and pills by masses to try to get away from it all. I also remember driving and being tempted to just close my eyes.

My life, even in my younger years came with its complications. I had mentioned some of it in my “How the hell did I end up this way” post. There is always more to every story but I like to keep things going, I did and will hit all the highlights?? <– I need to find a better word here!

Depression is an evil bitch

Fast forward through the long dark days…There came a time when I snapped to and realized I had to get help. At the rate I was going, I think my story would have ended quickly. So, for whatever reason – inner strength took over my darkness for long enough to gain to courage to speak to my mother. Which…why I chose her to open up to at this moment, I will never know but I did. This was the woman who scrutinized my appearance regularly and informed me that I looked fat several times through out my life. You see, she has always been petite and we have been close in weight for as long as I can remember, so god forbid if I started to look like I as growing out of that mold.

Anyway, informing my mother that I no longer wanted to live and that I needed to go to the doctor was one of the hardest things that I had to do. She seemed to care and then handled it poorly afterward. I remember bits and pieces of going to my doctor, completing tests and having that hard discussion with her. I was put on antidepressants and agreed to counseling. I have never felt so lost and scared in my life.

Counseling was strange for me. I did not care for my therapist or her dated orange and brown decor through out her office. I think part of it was because my mother was in the room with me majority of the time, which she took over the conversations and reminded the woman that I was “fine.” She just did not get it.

She further proved that she did not get it by providing a less than supportive relationship. Which, is still true to this day. Versus actually talking to me, it was like I was living with a prison guard with strip searches to see make sure there were no fresh wounds. Which I can understand, but I feel there are better ways to go about it – rather than throwing demands around and talking down to your child during these searches. She just looked at me as if she hated me, or perhaps she felt that she had failed on some level and it bothered it and came pouring out of her eyes. She already had a troubled child, so I don’t think she had room for me to struggle too… I suppose I can sympathize with that now?

Further more, my new medication made me feel nauseous – as many others you have taken these kind of meds, they can be rough until your body gets used to them. So now, since I could not eat without wanting to vomit, my mother viewed it as now an “eating disorder.” She would force me to clean my plate even if I told her if I ate one more bite, I will probably get sick. Which happened numerous times because when you have a level of anxiety – you already feel that way. Throw in some anti-depressants and you know what? You just don’t have the best appetite and that is okay, you are adjusting. When I did get sick, she would yell and say see – I told you. “I knew you were throwing up after eating!” No, actually I did not have an eating disorder at the time…but thanks Mom. That did happen, just in my adult years.

I managed to stick to my therapy and medication and I did start to feel better. More alive and a bit more happier. It took some time and some dosage adjustments but I got to a point of no longer wanting to harm myself and wanting to be able to walk this fine earth as a young person should. I am not sure exactly how long it took as I am getting old these days 😉 but the important part was I made it. It was not easy, reflecting on this point in my life – I believe there were a lot of factors that played into this outside of genes (they were stacked against me too). I am also sure that it took a significant amount of time of general sadness to get to my breaking point as well.

Anxiety and insomnia still was an issue from time to time. It really kicked up again around 18 – probably with adulthood, college and who knows what else. Luckily my college therapist was helpful in providing techniques to help me cope with panic attacks. I started back on my meds and tried to really focus on self care at this time. To be honest though, I have been dealing with anxiety ever since…in those waves that I was speaking of :).

Self image became an issue in my early adult years. I have always been told that I was “small, tiny, petite, anorexic, bulimic, had nothing to worry about and weird/tomboy.” I still remember this time in class when a man asked me if I ever ate without throwing it back up…. thanks fella. Reallly nice.

However, it did become an issue eventually. I was in a bad relationship with someone who made me feel less than. To put it simply, he was physically and verbally abusive and beat my confidence and self worth down. It resulted in me weighing roughly 75-80 lbs in my adulthood. Granted even when I was younger…I believe now, I can call it social anxiety?? But I had a fear of eating in front of people. The cafeteria in school was my nemesis. All the kids. All the food. Perhaps there is some sort of eating disorder theory in there as well??? Lord who knows – I am a mess haha.

When I finally got out of that bad situation, which took time. Planning an exit from someone like this must be done carefully. He obviously did not handle it well and probably would have reacted poorly regardless. Unfortunately, he did end up stalking me, he would show up at the local mall where I would be shopping, or restaurants where I was having dinner with friends and even showed up at my house. Trying to get over that fear while trying to repair myself again – whew. This time, it also meant physically and mentally. Again, I over came and now happily weigh in with triple digits on the scale and have been steadily since 2012-2013ish. While body image is something that I still struggle with after my many surgeries, the important thing to remember is it is progress. I am better than what I was before and that is key.

Mid 2015 is when my anxiety took on a form that I had never encountered before. I had gone through several ups and downs in life regarding my mental health and outside of it but this was different. It was something that I literally could not handle. Feeling anxious and insomnia again was not a stranger to me. I live a life that tailors to these needs – most would probably deem boring but it is my life and I have accepted this.

This was the first time in my life that I would need to check in somewhere for observation. I. LOST. IT. Best part? My breaking point occurred at work. I had to get out immediately, after reaching out to my employee assistance program – I informed my boss in little words as possible that I had to go without worrying her….. but one more issue… I take the bus (which was very hard for me at first too btw)…so I had to step up and take an uber to my car. One, I don’t like not being in control of the vehicle that I am in. If I trust you to drive me – congrats! Second, I don’t do taxis or ubers….the amount of germs, smells and general feeling of out of control does not vibe with me.. third, it was a 35 dollar trip easily. However, it had to be done.

This is where the medical field failed me and I have heard similar stories and it is so heartbreaking to me. I did not feel in control, I could not breathe, I could not function, I literally did not know what happening but all I can say is, I did not feel myself. I was not me, I felt literally insane or that I had “snapped.” I attempted to get into our local psych center…for anything consult, treatment, or whatever. However, they were at capacity and since I was not “that bad” I had to find elsewhere. This was the story for the next 3 calls that I tried. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless, trying to find someone to care when you do not even know how you are going to get home or what may happen to you. I was finally able to get into a physician…. 2 weeks later. How was I able to get manage this? Sadly, this is so common and for some people that 2 week wait has cost their life – no joke. Fortunately, my psychotic break was more controllable? (somehow I managed this…I will never know how) versus severe depression/suicidal. Luckily my boss was understanding enough during this time, my then fiance was….I don’t even know but he was there (at the time). I was able to hang on until my appointment where we had a full work up, got a referral in for a specialist, adjusted my medication and added in more…it was overwhelming but I hung in there the best that I could. I began intense therapy, maintained my strict medication regiment, tried my hand at self care and then my now ex (Fuckboy), abandoned me in December 2015. I guess I should be thankful that I was already medicated at that point. Perhaps he could not face being married to someone with severe anxiety, who knows. The key was, I was trying to take care of myself while planning a wedding with little help. Honestly, I thought I was doing well. I had the “supportive” partner who had been my best friend for years and we had helped another through it all – before and after we were together. Life was on the up and up….until he decided otherwise. Since I was medicated, when he left I always asked people (friends, family & associates) if they saw it coming. The answer was always no – whew so I was NOT crazy :). We even had Friendsgiving where Fuckboy stated he was thankful for me and put on this great speech where he pulled a fast one and even pulled it by my good friend Sunshine- who does not miss a damn thing! Anyway, after I had to handle that mess – I took some serious time off. I had to, granted I am still struggling to this day with building PTO…. it was worth it.

My anxiety/episode recovery has been hard since I did not see that life changing event coming during it. Learning to trust people again, regaining my self worth and learning to live independently has been really fucking hard. However, I have kept up with therapy. I know that leaving someone without reason, leaving all their shit behind for you to handle, not telling their own family what they did and not forwarding their mail is THEIR problem and not mine. Abandonment is never okay and that is something that I have had to accept and the fact that I will never really know the reason why this happened.

My medication has increased over the past year, I still struggle with insomnia and anxiety but I am stronger than I was a year ago – mentally and physically. I am able to stand on both feet and take on the world the best that I can. Some days are still hard… There are times that I cannot get out of bed for several days, at times my anxiety is so bad that I cannot leave the house and it does impact my day-to-day.

Most do not realize all that is going on behind the scenes in recovery and that is fine – because this is my journey and if they don’t notice – I must be keeping it together…..(right!?) hahaha. I am happy to report that I got through that very dark period aka – all of 2016 without thoughts of suicide and while I have lost some weight, I am still healthy. This has been my healthiest recovery to date and I am quite proud.

I may still be a mess but hey – I have a good heart dammit and worthy of love! Now let’s transition into what I am doing this year since I feel stable, happy and productive during Mental Health Awareness month!

Present day! May 2017: Since I am someone who has clearly struggled with some shit – it has become my mission to give back to the mental health community in anyway that I can. I have done this by sharing my story with friends, family, here, through sites, beating down the stigma in anyway that I can, looking to become an advocate for local mental health chapters, donations, spreading the word, educating others, remembering to be kind – you never know what people may be fighting inside and by participating and supporting Kenzie Brenna during her self-love boot camp on Instagram- which encourages others with mental health disorders to share their stories through social media (there is a focus on body image but it is helpful for everyone), ensuring others that they are not alone!

You can learn more on the link provided or check her out on Instagram, along with her supporters @omgkenzieee and searching #selflovebootcamp. There is a new topic each day and so many people are opening themselves up to vulnerability – it is beautiful. I am going to push myself to participate every day, but some topics are harder than others as you can see in the calendar below. However, if this will help push me to become a more whole person – why not? Although, I do struggle with vulnerability…my therapist can attest to this :).

FINALLY! If you made it through that entire post – you get a cookie! I know it was long so thank you for listening to my story, ignoring any typos that came out during the flow! Yoda best!

I want to ask all of you to do something for Mental Health Awareness this month too! It is so important to keep bringing awareness! Sometimes individuals cannot make that 2 week waiting period to see a physician – we need to do something about this! So my friends/warriors, wear some green this month or ribbon! Participate in a challenge or walk, start a conversation, be there for a friend, spread some facts on social media, advocate and help influence positive policy reform, volunteer, share YOUR story if you have one and remember to take care of yourself and others!

Love you all xoxo,

Follow me! IG: @DiaryoftheMadKatter P: DiaryMadKatter

The leap of faith and the anxiety that follows.

April 28, 2017April 28, 2017 madkatter1318 Comments

Hi friends & happy Friday! ❤

First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and comment on my last post, “Try a little Tenderness…” It was one of those emotionally fueled posts where pain and anger took the over the keyboard – so thank you again. Your kind words, support and honest advice truly helped me in my self reflection in this rather awkward time for me. I am going to do my best to be strong, remain positive and TRY to figure out my next steps regarding Caterpillar and my soul.

Now on to more positive things, I have officially signed up for my business endeavor with Sunshine has been guiding me along the way! It was official as of last night at like 9P or something, so YAY! I am going to be honest though, I am bit scared.

I am struggling with this war inside me, I think? It is hard for me to articulate my feelings from time to time…as in all the time :). I think what I am feeling is, I know I have the skills buried in me to be successful. However, stepping out of my comfort zone is hard for me. Talk about anxiety- YIKES.

I suppose after I get my bearings, it will be worth it. I just have to dig up the confidence to punch those fears in the face! HA! Extra money is always worth it, I have a mortgage, 3 pups, myself, home remodeling to do and adult bills and at times it can be hard, as I never wanted to do this alone anyway.

I will have to earn my own success.

Working a 9-5 job, is easy. I know what is expected of me regardless if it is a terrible work environment or not. It is comfortable, it is a pattern and I love patterns. I also know the job in and out after 5 years in, as well as know what my paycheck will be every two weeks… it’s the fear of the unknown that gets me. I suppose that is what all of us with anxiety disorders feel and even the “normal humans” too.

This is when I realize that my generalized anxiety (GAD) is still very present in my life and the worry has already really set in. Nasty thoughts have been plaguing me since I started considering taking on this new venture: What if I fail, what if I embarrass myself, what if my klutzy self makes a huge disaster in front of PEOPLE and what if this that or other (insert any normal or exaggerated fear here) happens – chances are that I have already thought of it.

However, like some of you – I am in recovery and facing challenges such as this will only be good for me and Sunshine reminds me of this. So, I am taking a deep breath and going for it! Here is to my team’s future, may there be success, few casualties and triumph over anxiety!

I think that is about it for today. The weather is too overcast for me in regards to pictures. I am still processing the Caterpillar incident, feeling raw and also secretly hoping that I get a happy birthday from him tomorrow (stupid I know).

Fun fact: my pup Barley was born on April 29th as well! That’s right, we share a birthday! He will be 2 and I will be 29 Saturday…I was thinking about getting him a nice toy or making him a cake if I am feeling ambitious.

I hope you all had a good week and I hope you have an even better weekend!

xoxo,

Try a little tenderness…

April 26, 2017April 26, 2017 madkatter1316 Comments

Hello my good people ♥️

Oh, where to start…

If I am going to be honest, I have been struggling. Surprisingly, this is not focused on my impending doom of turning 29 (for once 😘). No, it has been towards men or the relationship or situation-ship <– because that is sadly a thing these days. Regardless, I am talking about the man that was (?) in my life, Caterpillar. He has not talked to me since the 15th and at this point, I am shocked? Speechless? Definitely hurt… and still working out the rest of the feelings associated with this change.

But what really gets me was the events leading up to this…explosion that led to said breakup and or ghosting if you will, because that is what it is really starting to fucking feel like.

Let me set the day for you:

Picture starting your Saturday morning from the one with the one little heart emojis next to their name (insert girly eeeeek here) asking to hang out and to please bring coffee, because someone had a few too many during his open house at the new studio…ahem. Being the fabulous person that I am and lover of coffee myself, I threw myself together and off I went. Score one for me, right? How nice!?

I zoomed through the country side and acquired the coffee goods and some greasy food for the dear, fragile hungover man in my life. Step one, complete now to finish the drive to Caterpillar’s apartment.

So, I arrive…a spring in my step, warm coffee, food and obviously all the love that you can cram inside a 5’2″ gal. We sip and relax while he recovers, ah what a morning. Netflix, coffee and beside your other half.

Side note: You see, I love taking care of people, it is what keeps me grounded and well, all I have known. I am the care taker and I take that role seriously….especially when I care for someone…even more so when I cracked open my soul and gave this boy my heart after Fuckboy. To me, Caterpillar is special. He gets my mental illness, mainly because he has one too – which… you know also has some negatives but at the end of the day, he got it. He made me feel again, not only in a loving way but in general. Things that I never thought I could feel in my days or at least this quickly, he was honest? He was always there for me? He embraced and cared for me, exactly the way I was. Like wtf was this shit?! It was scary, but I am told that I was strong for even opening back up to someone again.

Fuckboy did a number on me.

Side note continued: Fuckboy whom I could call by his basic ass name… Brandon because you know I am a grown adult who should not resort to such name calling, especially a year later buuuuuuttt… fuck it. Fuck him. Fuck everything about him. Now, I know I should just trust in karma, because that man has something serious coming to him, but I ran out of patience. I am sure it will still be sweet victory when it does happen, but until then, I will remain petty and still refer to him as Fuckboy. I am sure someday, I will spend some more time further explaining that train wreck, but for times sake and we are focusing elsewhere at the moment, essentially Fuckboy bolted…after all wedding deposits were made, after the guest list was revised for the 100th time already, with no explanation. He literally woke up one Sunday and said he wanted to call off the wedding and take a step back for a little bit. So he packed a little bag that I assisted with, claiming he was depressed (news to me considering he did not give a damn about my mental care…), so I encouraged him to continue to get the help he needed, which he did set a dr appt yadda yadda…. but then he tried like hell to avoid me after. To a point that I had to force this man that I have known for 12 years, together for 6 to meet me face to face on how to handle the upcoming holidays, home and what not. I demanded the respect I deserved and if he did not want to be with me, he needed to tell me and to my face, like anyone that I called my best friend for years SHOULD do. It turns out, he did not love me. He had not for a long time. Oh and that ring? Something that should be a promise to fight and take on the world together?? Also lie. “It just seemed like the right thing to do.” This conversation happened in a Kroger parking lot btw, because you know…that is clearly the proper environment to have your heart ripped out and danced on. I had to clean up everything after I digested the news. Literally everything, without much of an explanation as to why this was happening to me. As you could imagine, after 6 years together and essentially being abandoned, I had a few trust issues pop up like daisies.

Image result for mushu popped up like daisies — ^ the Hun is my trust issues in picture form 🙂 Thank you Disney for this fabulous movie Mulan, which resulted in this meme.

Okay! Now that you have a little more backstory, Caterpillar was the first man that I dated that I felt that I could truly trust and that…..was fucking huge. It still is… SO with all of this being said, lets venture on! The thing about Caterpillar is, when he gets upset, he reacts. I am the complete opposite, I sit on the shit that is bothering me, typically make a list of pros and cons, take a nice long nap (or take in a good night’s sleep) and decide the following morning or few days later if this was something that needs attention or was I just having a bad day or being overly sensitive for whatever reason. As a self aware woman, I have no issue with admitting that women, or maybe just me can have the tendency to over react. I own it, I am human after all. However, he… flies off the handle but hey – they say balance is key…. right?!

So back to the scene: We were now post coffee, relaxed and ready to take on the world…at like 2PM. Apparently, he scheduled a busy day and that hangover took a littttttle longer than normal to recover from and we were now running behind on a few errands that we wanted to run before he had a job to do.

Then I forgot my phone….oops. We had to backtrack, to me I laugh at these things because the people that really know me, they know that I am a little all over the place. I could be tearing apart my purse looking for my phone that was sitting in front of me the whole time…so we go back to the apartment to get said phone since we were parting for the rest of the day soon. Phone acquired! No off to the studio to get his camera and things required to get him through the day. While he was gathering, I was awkwardly standing around. To busy myself, I spotted one of his portfolios and started flipping aimlessly. Smiling, happy that this person that I care about is slowly making his way in something that he loves, flip flip.

Then my little eyes saw something that I never thought I would see…ever.

A close up photo of his ex, front and center…well on the first page. I have never seen this photo before, it looked new and I thought he hated her. As you could imagine, I was a bit caught off guard because from what I understood, he blocked her out of his life/phone/social media etc, typical crazy ex story nonsense, created a lot of drama yadda yadda and could not stand her. Soooo, what happened? Did I miss something?

I want it to be said that I am the most calm person in these situations, despite my raging generalized anxiety disorder. Outside of my ridiculous lack of poker face. He must have noticed my furrowed eyebrows or what I thought was controlled concern face and asked me “what?” So I did what any cool, calm, collected significant other -ish for the past 7 months would do – held up the photo, pointed to said ex’s face and just simply said her name in a questioning manner. I was not angry, I was not crazy by any means, I was just seriously confused. Isn’t this the woman I hear all these negative things about? As in terms of exes, she is like the worst? So he rolled his eyes at me and said that he “does not always have to like the subject of the photo or art, but I do like the elements of it.”

Okay, I can get that. I support him and his art 100% and would not have any issue with it staying in there because he needs to build a client list for the love of God and I want nothing more than him to get all the business he can. I have to admit, it was a lovely photo and one of his better ones, I just do not understand why that could have been said….not what happen next.

Since we were running late, one of Caterpillars (many) annoyances and that I maaaaay have contributed to that because of my forgetfulness. He was already peeved. Apparently asking about the Jezebel in the photo was enough for him to pushed right over the edge of common courtesy, because he now he was reallly irritated. He was almost done packing at this point and decided that he no longer wanted my company. “You know what, I will walk to the park, you can leave” in a huffy puffy manner.

Okay…

So, as we walk to the exit and to my noble steed for his jacket, I simply state, I am not sure why you are so upset but you have to understand this is a surprise to me, as I did not think you were speaking to her again? The death stare that I got could have resulted in me bursting into flames. “You realize that photo is like a year old right?” So I say what any normal person in this situation would say, “how would I know that?” All you had to say was: it is an older photo but I think it highlights my skill set….or some shit. Hell ANYTHING would be better than just pushing your gal aside and her feelings, but that is what he did. I asked if he still wanted me to grab a prop for him regarding his shoot later in the day and all I got was a pissy no as he walked back to his building.

I sighed, shaking my head and thinking, what the hell just happened? I asked a simple question, one that I feel most current significant others would do and I just got kicked to the curb? Which is literally what happened later.

I decided that I wanted to do a little spoiling of myself because of what the hell just happened and plus, I never spoil myself. It is always everyone else. So I took my ass to best buy to buy me a camera *dances*. However before going into the store, I wanted to shoot the angry Caterpillar a text recapping that I was not crazy nor did I act crazy, I merely asked a question because….I am human. I have been hurt, I have been treated very poorly, I am a woman with the occasional mental issue flare up.

I apologized, because that is what you do when you care about people and want to get past things.

I apologized that we ran into traffic, that we had to go back for my phone, that things were not going as nicely as we planned, that I asked about the photo and that it upset him. I did not say, that most of this could have been avoided had he not drank too much the night before and if he had just simply explained why the “hated” woman was included in his portfolio…that looked like it was just done, not older btw. I am not that naive. I also did not say that, fuck you – I deserve the same level of respect that I give you, but I wanted to. BUT at the end of the day, it did not matter to me that it was there, that no photos of me were anywhere to be honest, it was like I did not even exist on a certain level but it has always been that way and I assumed that it was because he wanted to keep that aspect of his life separated from the business side – which I was fine with. What matters to me is that he is honest, loyal and cared about me at the end of the day. That I was the one he called to whenever he needed something, that he let me love him.

All I needed was…. a little tenderness.

As I mentioned, I am human. I thought for sure apologizing even for things out of my control would help this fueled fire but it did not. I asked for his understanding along with the apologies, as I assumed this was just one of those snowballed situations that happened from time to time and would blow over even with the response that I received below:

Angry Caterpillar: You will take any conclusion and make it into a thing. I’ll txt you later so you can come pickup your stuff. I told you before I’ll never allow anyone to not only make me feel like shit about my art or make me shitty about anything. Regardless of who it was. That’s the same shit she did and I am shutting it down. This is over. Through and through.
Me: I didn’t say anything
Angry Caterpillar: No, I’m not doing this. It’s done. I’m over it.

But, I have been wrong before and this seems to be one of those cases. I did not hear from him that evening as he mentioned. I assumed it was was because he realized this was silly? But that debacle was a week and a half ago…so, there is that.

So here I am. Just taking it all in and realizing that perhaps I was never really that important to him as he said. Or maybe some people just give up too easily. OR maybe my Snorlax was just that bad 😉. It is a lot to take in and try to accept but I’m going to try.

So friends, I leave you with this: I encourage you all to be open with another and take care of eachother as well ♥️. I guess for me, I need to figure out my next steps.

End scene.

Xoxo,

How the hell did I end up this way

April 12, 2017April 12, 2017 madkatter1313 Comments

When I take the time to really reflect on my life and I mean really go deep in the past, I wonder simply, how the hell did I end up this way?

You see, most describe me as: sweet, too nice, dependable and very loving. I know that sounds a bit self centered but, I am just going off what I am told!

My family has and never will be a loving family.

Dinners at the table, were never a regular thing, in fact they were a rarity. Words of encouragement never really came, love and affection really was not a regular thing in both, my mother and father’s houses. In fact, it stems further back…my grandparents are not the affectionate kind either.

I have gone months without speaking to my parents and even longer for others. While some may find this a bit shocking, it’s not uncommon for us. I guess we never really made each other a priority and that is just how it has always been.

The family on my dad’s side … is the definition of aloof? ← Not sure if this is the exact word I am looking for… I am also convinced they mostly speak in mumbles, grumbles and the occasional rage outburst. Now, don’t get me wrong – there are times when I do have a somewhat normal conversation with them but let me tell you, it’s a shocker when it does happen. Aka: my entire ride back home is analyzing wtf just happened haha. The same goes for my brothers and well.. Honestly my mother and her family too. As you could imagine, holidays or family gatherings are super uncomfortable haha.

My single mother of 3, showed her love by explaining the importance of a credit score before I could drive. I mean, valuable information that ultimately did help me but we did not really talk about what I picture most mothers do or see in movies (damn you media)! There was never long phone conversations, movie nights, or bonding really. Whenever I have tried to open up to her and seek her guidance about things in life, she ignored me, literally. She still does this, she will focus on something else and never actually listen to me or she will find a way to turn it around and talk about herself. For example, the day my ex-fiance left me….6 years together, wedding plans and deposits paid and done for….just up and left and I was a disaster. My life completely turned upside down because I put a lot of effort and love in those years, his family became mine and I was closer with them than my own family….just gone. She swung by the house my ex and I just purchased and said “Well your best friend is here, you are crying and he is not here. Something must have happened.” As I try to choke out the words of what occurred…her response from across the room, scrolling or typing away on her cellphone (typical) simply was “well, sometimes people just don’t work out. Now, let me tell you about my shitty day at work and how my manager pissed me off.” That was it. No comfort as I was shattered, no words of love or encouragement or a hug. I never spoke to her about it again. It has come up here and there while I had to clean up the mess that he left but that is just how she is. I have many stories that follow that same responses or worse. The time I came to her about my deperssion when I was younger was also a horrible experience…she just does not get it and never will.

My mother did buy me things and I think that is just how she shows love? A random new leather purse, jewelry and things of that nature – while nice I guess, it is just not how I show love. She is not a terrible person, she is just who she is and as I mentioned, it seems that this stems further back in her family line. A cool demeanor, curt responses, criticism and little support is just who she is, I have accepted it long ago.

My father, while an angry fella, I love him and I lived with him for a little while when I was younger after my parents divorced. Those times were lovely, we would do things together like go camping, dirt bike riding, cook together and he also taught me how to shoot… which was nice – Daddy’s girl. He also took me to see Spice World and to a Spice Girls concert, I guess that was pretty cool and very “Dad” of him HAHA. However, when he found a younger woman who had a child, us kids kinda took the back seat in his life and they became priority. Whatever she or her child wanted, they got. He stopped doing things with my brothers and I. At times it was more apparent than others, but we slowly kind of faded to the background and it is still that way to this day. I have also learned to accept this, it took me a while though. I did not understand how a father could push his own children away and essentially place these others on a pedestal. Again, this is just who he is. He needs her in his life and will do anything to keep that going even though she leaves him often and comes crawling back over and over. I can just be there and support him when called upon.

My siblings, I have one full blooded brother and one half. I am closest with my half brother, we text and do things more often than the rest and I guess it has always been that way looking back on it. He has kind of been the normalish one of us and I am proud of him. He stuck to himself a lot, studied hard in college and made his way. He is a fellow nerd and so he usually is my Marvel movie buddy or xbox party member hahaha. My full brother was the troublemaker, most families have one I guess haha. I have been the support for him for as long as I can remember. I remember sleeping by the door when he ran away, hoping he would come back home. Or hoping he did not overdose and needed his stomach pumped again…. Mind you I was only like 10 when these things started happening. Pretty serious things for a young gal to try to understand and navigate the feelings associated with it. This came in waves and when I entered high school, he was sentenced to prison. I have seen enough prisons, both minimum and maximum to last me a lifetime. Putting together care packages and supporting him the best I could was all I could do. We would visit when we can but it was mentally and emotionally draining for me. I would do nothing but sleep the rest of the day. This was our interactions for several years, paid calls, exhausting trips and trying to encourage him to get back on the right path – which he did! Mind you, in his case while it sounds like he is terrible, he got hung up in a bad crowd and everything caught up with him. He is a good person, I think a stigma comes with that as well – he has always been good to me, in the best way he could. If he listened to anyone, it was me – my parents reminded me of this when I needed to remind him to get his head out of his ass :).

Eventually, he did. I think our growing up had a lot to do with how he spiraled out of control. He did not take well to my father pushing us aside and in terms of coping skills….not so much. I am proud to say that he did his time, which was way too long. He came out a better person, he has been on the straight and narrow ever since. Now married and living with his wife and her 2 kids. He really has amazed me.

So, as you can see – I never really had too close of a family. We lacked a lot of the qualities that families should have… if that is even a thing now? I look at my parents, whether it is their robotic ways, misguided priorities and just still wonder after all this shit and my genes…how did I end up this way?

How am I the opposite of most of them? A real black sheep of the family if you will. You would think that with the things that I have experienced, I would have turned cold because that is what I am used to and probably would have been easier than dealing with all of these feelings since I was young. To loop around to the beginning of my story, I am often told that “I care too much” or I am “too nice.” That I also let people take advantage of me, but perhaps it’s because I am used to seeing so much negative growing up, I try to find the positive in everything, I give second chances and love others too hard at times. I live by the phrases, you never know what others are going through so it’s best to be kind, even if they are not to you and to also be careful what you say, especially in anger because once it’s out, you cannot take it back.

While I take my 3 pills at night to help my anxiety and depression that has plagued me since I was 16, pop vitamin D when it’s raining for days because I just “cannot deal” with it, continue therapy on a biweekly schedule, suffer from some trust issues, live with the double edged sword of – slow to anger, sleep for days and withdraw at times… I guess I turned out okay? I am glad that I am not a cold person…especially when life has given me every reason to be.

If you made it here, congrats! Thank you for listening to my ramblings/thoughts about family and life. This has been sitting in my drafts for about a week. I have tweaked it a bit and really sat on whether I wanted to post this. It is very open, raw and quite gloomy haha. I am not sure if you will be able to take anything from this, but it was therapeutic for me. So thank you for your support.

Also remember that you are loved, worthy and special humans, I hope you a great day!

Xoxo,

Kat

Re-Blog: Anxiety Makes Me Want To Apologize For Absolutely Everything, by: Kristin Corley (Thought Catalog)

April 4, 2017April 4, 2017 madkatter136 Comments

Good morning friends 🙂

While drinking my morning coffee and settling in before catching up on your comments and blogs, I came across this lovely article that just hits home and I had to share it! With that being said, I must say that I just love Thought Catalog’s site/blog? Specifically articles by Kristin Corley ❤️. I am clearly blind and do not see a magical “reblog” button for them, so bear with me while I paste this magical article in! I hope you enjoy the below:

Anxiety Makes Me Want To Apologize For Absolutely Everything – Kristin Corley (Thought Catalog)

“I owe you an apology…” and he questioned why laughing and as my fingers began to type and I tried to explain everything that been going through my head in the past 48 hours, I realized how ridiculous I sounded.

But the truth was it might have been ridiculous but they were still things worrying me. They were still thoughts keeping me up.

And as I tried to explain all of it logically I came to this realization nothing about anxiety is logical.

Anxiety plants these black seeds of doubt in my mind making me question everyone and everything. It makes me doubt really good people because anxiety tells me they aren’t. Anxiety tells me, “you should wonder if they are lying?” Anxiety tells me, “you’ve done something wrong.” Anxiety is what makes me question my self-worth, not people. Anxiety makes up these scenarios in my head and I have no choice but to follow the destructive path it will lead me down.

Next thing I know, I’m apologizing for something that didn’t even cross someone’s mind but my over analytical skills think it’s something.

Anxiety creates solutions to things that aren’t even problems other than anywhere but in my head.

Anxiety makes me feel like I have to apologize for everything.

Apologize for thinking too much.

Apologize for talking too much.

Apologize for texting too much.

Apologize for trying entirely too hard.

Apologize for caring too much.

Apologize for showing it.

Apologize for coming on too strong, if I did.

Apologize for the fact that I apologized.

Anxiety makes me feel guilty for being myself because I constantly wonder if people are going to take something I’ve said or done the wrong way.

Then I beat myself up over the, “What if” scenario.

It’s hard enough accepting who you are and embracing it when the world rejects everything about you. Everyone knows that battle. Everyone has fought it at some point.

But it’s harder when it’s you vs. yourself, in an internal battle that’s all in your head, you want so desperately to control.

You try to control something that’s been controlling you for as long as you remember.

It’s every person I doubt when I shouldn’t.

It’s every worse case scenario that never comes to life.

It’s ruining things before they begin because in my mind I’ve already said or done something to end it. Or I will say or do something eventually.

Anxiety makes me look at my reflection and question everything I see.

Anxiety makes me want to hide who I am because I truly hate it sometimes.

I hate staring at a phone wondering why someone hasn’t answered and rereading every word to my previous text and wondering what they are thinking.

I hate wondering if I’ve done something in the past because anxiety doesn’t let me forget my mistakes.

It brings them up every so often reminding me of the time I messed up. And even when people have forgiven me, I still haven’t forgiven myself, regardless of how much time has passed. Anxiety makes me want to say sorry a hundred times just so the person knows.

I hate staying up at night questioning things I’ve done in the past and worrying about things that haven’t happened in the future.

I hate always worrying about things.

I hate being out in public because I’m in my own world sometimes. Physically I’m there but in my head, I’m not.

I hate the moments where I need to break down, only it isn’t the appropriate time to.

And I hate not knowing when something really little will set me off.

I hate the anxiety of being late even though I know everyone said not to get there on time.

I hate the worrying what people think because as much as I try and play like I don’t care, I really do.

Anxiety tells me, no one likes me and here are 50 reasons why.

Anxiety makes me want to apologize for all of these things.

And when you first meet me, you won’t notice this is what I’m like.

I’ll hide it behind nail biting and tapping and excuse myself in public. I’ll hide it being listening instead of speaking. I’ll hide it behind a busy schedule and always doing things. The truth is if I’m busy I’m not thinking too much about anything other than the task at hand. At first, I’ll do everything to hide it.

Hide the fact it took me 30 minutes to make a decision weighing out every pro and con. Hide the fact it takes me two hours to get ready because in my head everything looks awful on me and anxiety tells me so. Hide the fact I have minor panic attacks if I’m late to something or if I’ve overslept. And how something so little can change a day that’s hasn’t even begun yet.

I’ll hide the fact I’m exhausted because I didn’t sleep last night thinking about something that may never happen.

And as you get to know me, you’ll begin to see how much anxiety plays a major role in my life.

And when you realize the truth, you’ll realize what I’ve had to live with most of my life. I’ll apologize for being this type of person.

I’ll apologize if it’s something you can’t second-hand deal with because there are times I can’t deal with it myself.

But at the same time, I can’t change it.

At the same time, I know I’m always going to live with this thing that dictates a lot of my life.

So I’ll always say sorry.

I’ll be sorry for the things I do and the things I don’t. But through your acceptance and understanding of something I’m still struggling to understand myself, comes a love for you and all you are.

Only lately I’ve begun to realize, you don’t have to love everything about yourself before someone else does. Sometimes it takes someone loving those bits of yourself you reject, sometimes it takes hearing someone say it’s okay to be like this. It’s only then you begin to accept yourself for all you are but more than you realize, you don’t have to be sorry.

______________________________________

I hope my fellow mental health warriors enjoyed this as much as you did and if you have not checked out Kristin’s articles – I highly recommend them (check the links in beginning of post)!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Do you have anything special going on? I plan on catching up with all of you and hopefully finishing a long and open post for later today.

Talk to you soon!❤️

Katrina

Monday coffee fueled thoughts!

April 3, 2017 madkatter1320 Comments

Hello friends & happy Monday!

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Tis a grey, gloomy day in Columbus, OH. I have thrown down my vitamin d ~~gummies~~ (like a REAL adult..ahem) and currently enjoying a large coffee. Essentially with that combo, I should be ready to take on the world soon!

How was everyone’s weekend? Did you do anything new or exciting?

I did a lot of “adulting” things I guess you could say – I am all caught up on laundry and cleaning. There is something so soothing about a clean space, I need to stay on top of it more…. Cluttered space = cluttered mind and I say NO MORE!

I am feeling better emotionally this week – knock on wood. I am hoping to keep it that way. Thanks again for all your support last week friends ❤ you are the best! I did not realize that I needed a damn battle helmet to start/get through last week. Had I known, I would have worn it with pride…and accessorized it accordingly.

With all of last week’s aftermath still floating around in my head, I am thinking about trying to expand my self-care list. Mine is rather small and includes: basking in sun when available in Ohio and blanket cocooning with Netflix playing in the background to recharge. I clearly need to try some more options, before I turn into a full blown hermit! So with that that in mind, What is your favorite self care tip/activity?? Hopefully by sharing, we will all try something new!

I hope everyone has a great start to the week, talk to you soon!

❤️❤️❤️

What does anxiety feel like?

March 30, 2017March 30, 2017 madkatter1315 Comments

Hello friends 🙂

Things have calmed a little on my end. I have nothing really new to report. After having a two day spat, I’m trying to take in the good.

Anyway, with this past week – I have struggled with my anxiety and insomnia a great deal. One of my friends had asked “what does your anxiety attacks feel like?” Or essentially, how do I feel when I have these rough patches if you will. I reflected in how I was feeling and this is how I explained it:

My chest feels tore open, set a flame that spreads up to my neck. Nausea takes over and I cannot eat. I also have short breath and lightheadedness.

How do you describe your experiences with extreme anxiety? I try my best to use breathing techniques but it’s difficult when it gets to that level.

Tonight’s post is short and sweet, hopefully after a good night of trazodone induced sleep – I will be back full swing.

Thanks for stopping by and for all your support, love and advice this last week.

❤️❤️

28 going on 40!? Today was therapy day.

March 7, 2017March 7, 2017 madkatter136 Comments

Hello friends 👋🏻

I had therapy today. I found a wonderful therapist last year, so it’s not nearly as painful as it once was. I think that is key – honestly. Find your match if you will ☺️. I did and find it super helpful and recommend it. If you just need that one unbiased person to help you soul searching and battle things you didn’t even know – give it a try.

The only downside to this, each session leaves me drained. It takes everything out of me but I guess that’s the point eh? Purge your damn soul to this person, who in turn asks hard questions about YOU. Which makes me so uncomfortable. I have no problem focusing on anyone else, taking care of people is what I call my super power.

Anyway I wanted to touch base with my followers but I’m struggling to be witty at the moment so I will switch to listing the good, the bad and the ugly of my day 🙏🏻.

The Good:

I was told I have a soul of a 40 something. I find this endearing for some reason. Lol.
I was not late for work today – winning.
Work went by quickly and without issue.
Had therapy for the first time in a while.
I was told I was funny.
Job. Dogs. Roof over my head

The Bad:

Had therapy today. It leaves me drained.
I’m dreading 29 reallllllllly bad right now. It’s almost 30 and I feel more alone than ever. When I wish I just had someone to battle the world next to me.
It has been raining for days.
I’m struggling with a lot of me actually. Which was a topic at therapy,I need to try to be more gentle with myself. I apparently judge myself too harshly. Upon reflection, she is probably right.

The Ugly:

I haven’t heard from Caterpillar, this has been one of our longest stretches. So I have to figure that out and what I need to do for me.
When my therapist asked me what are some things that I love about me, I couldn’t come up with anything. But I told her without sun and current low feeling, I would have no issue with this. I love me honestly, even though it seems dark right now.
Fighting the feeling that “everyone leaves me” – easier said than done.
Perhaps I love too much. Do I change? Idk.

Well. Sorry this wasn’t as cheery as I hoped, I have some reflection and homework to. Thanks for stopping by and if you’re feeling low as well – Hang in there and I will too! *Hugs*

More cheer and updates to come. Thanks so for hanging in there with me all.

❤️