Hello, it’s me. I am alive!


Hello my fabulous friends! Yes, I know – I legit let a week go by without chatting with you all. I have been slipping here and it upsets me, I will get my butt back on track!

So tell me, what is going on my followers!? I want to hear from you, how are you doing!? Have you tried anything new? Fought a fear? Slayed a dragon!? 

Tell me how you are feeling, basically – I feel out of touch and want to hear from you!! PLEASE!

As for me, I have been feeling a bit low and anxious (yes, its just as confusing as it sounds lol). I even had to take a mental health day from work Friday. I have not been sleeping again… so there is that. Just still stressing about my abnormal pap results. I know, I know – I should not be worried. However, I have to take 3 pills a day to try to tame that anxious beast inside me! Sometimes it is still hard. sigh. So, only 2 more weeks to go before my test…. I can do this … right? Most women have already been here, done that. So, trying to stay calm 🙂

I did try to do some things for me this weekend due to my mood. I love weird shit, I am a weird gal soooo antique/resale shops are my jam! I found 3?? In my little hometown so I went rummaging to find the perfect thing for me! Right? Retail therapy is always great! The only issue, I could not find anything that made my heart just burst out of it’s chest. I tried to find a record player and or soulful records… fail. I did however see a cassette player in the antique store…so I guess we are finally there? I felt a bit old… not gonna lie. So the perfect pick me up gift is still yet to be found, so I hit up my local coffee shop to lift my spirits in caffeine form :).

Outside of my failed rummaging and funk, I helped Caterpillar turn his empty apartment into a homey apartment! Want to test a strength of a relationship? Build furniture together hahaha. Jk jk, we made it out alive and not a scratch or toooo much bickering.

Now enough about me, please fill my comments with anything about you!!! All the things! The good, bad, ugly, sweet, funny, jokes, pictures, feelings – let me hear from you ❤ I will chat with you all soon!

❤ xoxo,

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Monday catch up with… Andrina? #Starbucksfail

Hello my friends!

I hope that you had a good weekend and that your coffee and tea is strong this lovely Monday!

It is raining here, which always puts me in a mood. Soooo to make me feel better, I bought a coffee the size of me annnnd now I am apparently known as: Andrina? This is a new one, well done Starbucks.

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So this past week has been a bit crazy and my brain is as hazy is the world outside my window, so I think I will do this catch up in: the good, bad & ugly bullets. Ahhh simplicity on a Monday – that is what I am talking about! So here we go!


The Good

  • Mad Hatter Brunch – This was my first vendor event with my fierce lady boss friend, whom that I typically refer to as Sunshine… this never fit right with me and have been searching my mind for a NEW code name for her for quite some time… Now she will be referred to as…(drumroll) Honeydukes. I know… You’re probably thinking – wtf? Just hear me out and try to follow my logic here: My lovely friend and I share a love of sweets, fun, HP and her hair is blonde…it seemed perfect! Right!? IDK IT MAKES SENSE TO ME! 😘ANYWAY back to the list… Honeydukes and I attended the Mad Hatter Brunch! The brunch was in support of pediatric cancer patients and their families, so it was such a good feeling to learn more about the organization, meet some other ladies and fellow vendors. In terms of good vibes, the place was packed with them! Additionally, there were a few vendor spots which Honeydukes snagged one – so I (procrastor) ended up throwing on a sun hat and sun dress and went to support, and most importantly – witness my mentor in action and take notes for my event comes…. you know at the end of the month. No stress here (nervous laughter)… so I observed, took it all in and tried to channel my inner extrovert and do my best lol. After a few tries myself, I’m sure I will be rocking it myself 🎩👒.
  • Cookie Dough Creamery – This is probably one of the most important things that has ever happened to me…ever. After the lovely Mad Hattery, Honeydukes introduced me to this shop where they have “safe” edible cookie dough (I eat raw cookie dough regardless #rebel) that you can top with ice cream and several other things like sprinkles, cookie crumbles and candies. Essentially, it was what I imagine heaven to be like and I just had to share this with you!
    • Do you have something similar where you live!? I must know!
  • Dawn Dagger Award – My lovely blogger friend and beautiful lady, comfykittea nominated me for the Dawn Dagger Award!! Thank you my dear and I will be following up with that soon! I am thinking of questions 🙂
  • Bachelor Pad – Caterpillar’s roommates moved out and he is now living on his own for the first time. So we have been busy the past week deep cleaning the place, gathering things and reorganizing so he can have his own little perfect space. Bonus!? I was able to pass some things on to him that was taking up space in my house and garage. YESSS! So who really is the winner here? ME! Just kidding.  So, I am excited for him….while he radiates some anxiety about this big step :).With that, I am happy to report that Caterpillar and I have been doing better…. *knock on wood*. Even through this stressful time for him :). Keep your fingers crossed my lovely people.
  • Avian Nemesis– Do you remember my turkey story? Well, my father asked me over for lunch Sunday….which meant that I would have to face the Foul Fowl again. I am not going to lie, I did not think I would ever see my father again while that rather bulbous feathered friend, alive and strutting around the farm house. Mocking me…peering at me with those beady eyes and large wing span. HOWEVER, I gave myself a pep-talk. Like, listen – you are human! Potentially one of the most dangerous (petite) creatures, do not be bullied by this white jerk. You are bigger…ish than him! You are smarter than him and today you will show him up! Sooooo I packed up my Sydney and we drove over, because she would totally save me if I happen to opossum out in fear of this….turkey – right!? I am happy to report that he was not waiting on me at the end of the drive way this time…oh but he was lurking in the shrubbery/grass area. Syd and I managed to get inside the house and relax a bit, not a feather on my mind….until we were ready to leave. I walked out to see him strutting around. WHO DOES THIS TURKEY THINK HE IS!? With a straightened back and mustered up courage, I walked with Syd to the car. I safely got Syd in the car so I could take a few steps “closer” to try to get a picture of this turkey and you know, fight my fears! Well…. as he heard me step closer, he slowly turned towards me and let out, nothing short of what I would call a War Gobble…again. He then proceeded to stalk in my direction. At this point, I was feeling a bit anxious. This is what I get for locking up my fierce protector in the car to ensure that she would be safe. Great, who was going to protect ME now. So… I tried to snap a picture of him for you guys to see this monster buuuuut my phone camera was only able to produce this grainy, super zoomed in picture of the jerk . My friends, meet my tormentor… FullSizeRender (7)The good news? I am happy to say that I ran back to my car and shut the door immediately after this photo was taken, because I am apparently being bullied by this round creature and I do not trust him! Syd and I are peck free and no turkeys were harmed…..but my ego may be. Until next time my feathered foe.

The Bad & The Ugly

  • See picture above…
  • That Pap was NOT a wrap – So, I received the call. Yes, the call that we all dread from our gynecologist –  stating that my pap smear came back with abnormal cells and that I would have to go back for additional testing.  It appears that I will have to go back for something called an Colposcopy. Which essentially sounds like a pap on steroids and I may have to have a biopsy taken as well – depending on what they see. This kinda set the tone for my weekend, even though the nurse stated that this is “extremely common, just preventative, your other tests of HPV, gonorrhea and chlamydia were negative.” My mind just zeroed in on the “abnormal” portion, like what does this mean and how!? It did not matter that she seemed un-phased, perhaps snacking while explaining that this was not as scary as it sounds and my abnormality was “extremely mild.”Listen, I have serious anxieties and have a tendency to obsess and run/jump/catapult to worst case scenario. My colposcopy is not scheduled until the end of June so, I get to wait a bit before having this done. Here is a better description of the exam (in case you did not know like myself):“Colposcopy is a way for your doctor to use a special magnifying device to look at your vulva, vagina, and cervix. If the doctor sees a problem, he or she can take a small sample of tissue (biopsy) from the cervix or from inside the opening of the cervix. The sample is looked at under a microscope…During the test, your doctor uses a lighted magnifying device that looks like a pair of binoculars. This device is called a colposcope. It allows your doctor to see problems that would be missed by the naked eye. A camera can be attached to the colposcope to take pictures or videos of the vagina and cervix. Your doctor may put vinegar (acetic acid) and sometimes iodine on the vagina and cervix with a cotton swab or cotton balls. It allows the doctor to see problem areas more clearly.”WebMD
    ^me…all weekend

    Now, I know that many “non-scary” things can cause inflammation or can impact your cervical exam but it is hard to keep that in mind when the word “cancer” is mentioned but I am trying to stay positive. I have not really told anyone because… for some reason I feel ashamed or embarrassed?  I have no reason to feel this way but sadly I cannot shake it off TSwift style just yet.

    So I guess I have a few questions for my ladies out there:
    -Have you had this procedure done (colposcopy)? If so, any tips? How did it turn out for you?
    Have you received the “abnormal” call before?

     

I think that is about it really, I hope you all had a good weekend, tell me all about it!!! Also, if you don’t mind, send me some calming and good luck vibes, you know with my raging anxieties and chaotic life haha. I love and appreciate you all! ❤

xoxo,
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Friday Fem Frustrations *Warning: OB/GYN addition & a bit crass*

Hi all and HAPPY FREAKING FRIDAY!!! ❤

 

So today’s post will be more so for the ladies..sorry for my male readers, I put the OB/GYN in the title to scare you off if need be :). If you are here anyway, good for you sir and come here and give me a fist bump, because you are incredible…also fearless! Also… I am so sorry.

I really debated if I wanted to blog about my appointment or gynecology in general. Why? I felt that it was one of those things that a lot of people do not talk about. Unless you are a bottle of wine deep with some really close gal friends with snacks around you. I asked myself, why am I embarrassed by this? Us ladies all go through it, so why the hell not? So goodbye shame and here we go!

As you probably picked up, I had my yearly (yes, I still go yearly – I don’t care about the new standards) gyno appointment today. I dread them, they are not fucking fun – you gals know this! Well, unless maybe you do and happily skip and or cha cha on up to the sign in sheet…and if that is the case, please contact me and give me your tips, because I could use them!

Sigh…The only perk of this day was I got to sleep in.

SO, back to my story – I rolled out of bed and showered (you are welcome doc!) and tried to make myself as presentable as possible and by that, I mean what is the “acceptable” hairiness level here? I debated this and I plan on Googling more about this later. Like, this woman/Dr/speculum and swab wielding super-woman is about to have her face staring at my vagina, I could at least give her an inviting scenery? Right!?

Additionally, maybe I need to bring her a gift, or provide candles for our big moment or fucking better yet, WE PATIENTS deserve a gift at checkout – I will come back to this later, I feel it needs more attention. In terms of hairiness, I mean this is like prepping for a sexy date. Like, bush maintained? Controlled? What about this chipped toenail polish? What about my legs? Can I get away with this stubble or should I shave? I felt that my leg fur…er hair was acceptable. However, I went with BB-8 Star Wars knee high socks…just in case. Which BTW, I do this for my partners as well, there is a reason that I have an excessive amount of badass or colorful knee highs. Also, just an excessive amount of fun socks (why is this such a thing for me this week?!)

After bathing and finding comfy clothes that are acceptable for Fri-yay work days….because if I am going to be met with a speculum BEFORE coffee AND have to go to work after… I am going to get as casual as my work will allow. So that is exactly what I did, plain tee, nice jeans and the Chuck Taylors that I have had since…. Middle school – I know.

The drive in was filled with groans and sighs while reflecting on the questions that are about to be fired my away soon and being the anxious gal that I am… totally tried to plan my answers before hand. This is my prep list and what my answers were while driving….

  • When was your last period?
    • Gee doc, I don’t have one because I am on an endless anti-baby pill regimen for endometriosis and look out world I am a single gal – RAWL!!
  • Are you in a monogamous relationship?
    • Um…. let me stop you right there doc. Let me tell you about dating in this era! But yes, I am a one man lady and outside of that, this question is too complicated and we do not have enough time for this doc. NEXT!
  • How many partners have you had in the past 6 months?
    • Oh, you mean that bat cave down there!? You touching me is the most action I have had in months! **jk jk sorry if this was too far for some but my humor in awkward situations can get out of hand, if I offend you – I am sorry and forgive me!**
    • Besides the bat residents in said cave during those down times with Caterpillar, one. Are you damn happy? When does this stop.
  • Are you using birth control methods outside of the pill, like condoms?
    • I mean…
  • Any issues…?
    • Nope, happy as a clam. Literally.
    • All is well, thanks for verifying my vag is happy and healthy. I love these convos, would you like to go out for tea after this!?

These thoughts and anxieties helped fill the time during my freeway cruising and before I knew it. It was time for the paper gown.

Guys, it was freezing in that damn office. Can we get some paper gown warmers? Heated exam chair? I don’t know what the deal was but I was not happy to strip down for this woman, without a steak dinner and shiver out of the stirrups. Worst fear, chattering/shivering so much that I end up closing my legs around her head during exam.

Obviously this is a bit exaggerated. By a bit, clearly a ton. It was cold but you do not have to worry for the doc, her head was safe. My nips were prob hard though and for that doc, I am sorry. P.S. – your freezing hands did not help…

Then it happened, the ole “you are going to feel some slight pressure” line – I am sorry. There is NOTHING in this world to 1- prepare you for that cold instrument going into depths of you and 2- hearing “relax” is not going to help me BTW. I know you are trying and I do appreciate it but at this point, I am sure everything is so tense down there you should prob give up. Also…me too.

It was all over pretty quickly, I must say. I always feels like a drawn out process but I made it. She wrapped it up by saying “everything looks and feels good” um…phrasing?! Glad you could see in there, I GROOMED JUST FOR YOU! Because I am sure that was what she was really focused on… and meant….so now we wait. Results will be back within a week or so and I did get another STD panel done because you know – wild and crazy gal over here.

She did say “we typically do STD screens routinely for women up to 26. However, if you would like we can do test for that as well.” I thought this was interesting, like why 26? What science goes behind this? I will be Googling that as well! I assume because most women after 26 are married and or in steady situations… ahem. It is fine, I will be the wildcard for her go ahead, test away doc!

I do want to mention that she did compliment my socks, she got a bonus point. She then lost said bonus point, when she had to ask what it was…. CLEARLY IT IS BB-8, YOU KNOW STAR WARS!? Oh, not a huge nerd like myself… sorry. But really, I smiled and just said it was Star Wars because her look of confusion was enough to tell me that this conversation cannot go on any longer. I fucking love droids.

Let me loop back around to rewards for making it through these appointments. My thoughts, all OB/GYN practices should have a tea room or spa room? Like, hey you badass bitch – you made it through the exam, have some tea! You want a quick facial instead!? HERE YOU GO! I would also accept a fun Starbucks drink, blanket or candy.

Once I scheduled my next sexy date with this gal next year, I decided that I did need a fun Starbucks drink for successfully adulting, so I waited in line with the other zombies and achieved the “i survived the speculum, swab wielding wonder-woman” mocha and happily drank it on my ride into work.

I made it and I should have another post like this for another year, aren’t we all happy!?

One more thing, I am unsure how I feel about photos on the ceiling. Does your practice have these? It was like a family photo today and it just kinda made me confused to be looking at 3 toddlers while enduring this.

Anyway! Remember, it is important to get these exams done, even if you do hate them. That whole self care thing guys! Make sure you do it!FullSizeRender (6)

Now, I have to ask, do you have any good OB/GYN stories? Anything at all really to comment and not make me feel alone and that I may have made a posting mistake!

❤ Love you all and have a great weekend!

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Rosy cheeks, music and sloth mode photo challenge addition.

Hello my friends!

Happy Wednesday! What the hell where did the time go!? Well… I missed last weeks photo challenge. I totally thought I would get that posted before hand – oops! So here are my additions to the WP Weekly Photo Challenge – Reflecting :

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Reflecting

WHEW! Now that I can sleep tonight for adding those, I will add this weeks another day haha.


Back to life…

GIVE ME RED WINE OR GIVE ME DEATH: Adulthood is filled with doctor’s appointments. Seriously, I have been to some sort of doc like 3 times in the past week. BTW annual check ups are so important, make sure you are scheduling them and taking care of yourself!

Ahem… excuse my Mom moment there.

Today’s visit was to the dermatologist.

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Grey’s Anatomy – Brave New World (Dermatology Episode)

I have never had the pleasure and of course when I would go, there was an irate fella screaming at the poor derm assistants. I felt bad for them. Here they are, in this lovely place and Mr. I have been late the past 3 times (from what my sonar ears overheard) was not happy that he made this trip again without being seen….apparently this man needs a watch or a lesson in punctuality….I was not the one to make mention to this angry little man.

I did not realize that I needed my Hulk pants on today nor did I realize that I needed to channel my inner Bruce Banner to get my irritated skin checked out. Also, I was just completed “Active Aggressor” training for work last week, it was still fresh in my mind. RUN, HIDE OR FIGHT was replaying in my head…also the fact that I should always go for the eyes if I indeed do choose to fight. This was the lovely Public Safety/Secret Service man’s words, not mine. So keep that in mind friends! ALWAYS GO FOR THE EYES! Or hide, which will probably be my go to.

Anyway! Back to my skin…No my friends, green hulk skin was not my issue (or perhaps the lack there of was?) – redness is my issue. I have been struggling with sensitive skin for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, as I have aged it has progressed into angry, all the green concealer in the world will not cover this shade issue. Additionally, my skin started to get lesions, more broken capillaries, itchiness and my face just fucking hurts now. So, I figured now is the time. The lovely Doc looked at my makeup-less face and immediately said rosacea. Of course, I figured this by all my “expert” Googling and experiences. This obviously needs to be fixed  because, how am I am going to convince a man to “put a ring” on it one day  looking wine drunk 24/7! Jk…Kinda .  

 Then it happened… this man had the nerve to inform me of “triggers” that worsen this rosy cheek/lush/always embarrassed look… Spicy foods – no prob, I do not really care for it but RED WINE!? I LOVE RED WINE! “white is better for rosacea patients…”

I am sorry? Clearly this man does not know me…which we did just meet so I will give him a pass because…. red is the only wine that I really enjoy. So…as he writes up my new care plan and writing scripts, I am thinking about my coffee that is waiting in my car for me… that must now “be left to cool” or drink iced coffee to help with this whole “situation.” FINE. So the very important part of this story is… Do you happen to have any White Wine recommendations?! I guess I am going to have to find my budget puny wine in white… that is right. I picked up this bottle of “Sheep Thrills” based solely on the pun. I live shamelessly…Or sheepishly? !

Image result for sheep thrills wine

Just take it all in… it’s beautiful^. Wait…WHAT IF I AM A LUSH!?

Moving on!

Music in my ears: Something crazy happened today, I actually listened to music at work. I had mentioned this in a blog a long time ago regarding my depression. I have recently been listening to it in the car and now in the office. I honestly cannot remember the last time I did this. Not even bird songs….which is a whole other thing. Just silence. I am sure this means something… perhaps everything is coming back together. I am feeling closer to friends, I am getting more motivated (aka – I set up my printer and cleaned my office!), I have new business adventures on the horizon and loving it. Caterpillar…well we are talking and doing okay at the moment, there is more SUN now that we are in Spring FULL SWING! So…without me realizing it, perhaps I popped out of the rabbit hole for a bit? My co-worker even noticed the music playing today… that is a real friend by the way 🙂 they know you better than you know yourself.

Blog LogI just wanted to take this tim to thank all of my followers again! I cannot believe that I have 200 people who are actively or once interested in what I have to say. You guys are pretty much the best! I have made friends around the world, found fellow sufferers/warriors of different kinds and with different backgrounds regarding mental health and chronic illnesses (thank you for all your support and I hope you feel supported from me as well!). I have also found fellow lovers of photos and snapping them – it is so wonderful to have you all here *ugly cry face*. THANK YOU AGAIN!

Speaking of Blog Love, I was nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award! THANK YOU @tiredmindtypingfingers ! I did not forget and will be posting it soon – PROMISE!

xoxoxo,

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Do my patchy eyebrows go well with my C-3PO Socks? What about my shoodles? Oh,OK. 

Hello my beautiful people/friends/followers!
I hope you all are doing well and that your week has been treating you kindly. It is almost FRIDAY – woo! It has been a long week, at least it feels like it has been. The sad thing is, I spent most of it sleeping due to my sinus infection and yet it still feels so long….So let’s move on, grab some tea and get caught up eh!?



Addiction & Mental Health Post
– THANK YOU so much for all the kind feedback regarding my post about addiction and mental health. Writing on this topic was a little out of my comfort zone and I felt it was not my best work but the “clicks” and sweet messages were very much appreciated. I hope to keep expanding on this in the future by doing more research and connecting with more of you. Thanks again!

IG #selflovebootcamp challenge with @omgkenzieee – Whew! Let me tell you, this has been kicking my ass to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing the other “bootcampers” grow and share their stories. That is what it is all about right? Getting the word out there, sharing and passing on words of encouragement…which I try to do this with as many as I can. They are just hard topics and to post photos along with them makes it all the more difficult. Talk about vulnerability my friends – ugh! Today’s challenge was the big one that I was waiting for: #scarrednotscared since I have had so many surgeries and it has greatly impacted me in many ways, before them, during the recovery and even after the scars have faded a bit, my body has just been through a lot I suppose. I think I may take a break from the daily posts and catch up when I am feeling more energized, we will see. I am just too tired…zzz. 

Is too much self reflection exhausting to you too??
*On a related note..the positivity that is being spread around due to this camp is amazing though, so please do go check out the hashtags listed in my blurb, they are truly inspiring!!

Blog Life – Guys! I just reached 180 followers! I know this is not a “typical” milestone but I had a bit of a dry spell if you will in regards to new followers. I know that is not really the “point” of my blog and not the real goal but it is exciting to see more people want to follow along and read my posts! So Thank you again friends, I love you all 🙂 



Boss Babe Life
– This has also been kicking my ass but in a good way. There is just so much to learn about marketing in this day (all the social media YIKES), perks and cons of sales. It is all super exciting, I always wanted to be my “own boss” if you will and perhaps that may fully be the case one day… aka: I always wanted to own a coffee shop, oh how I miss it! It would be funky and my own little hole in the wall – ONE DAY. For now, I work the FT job and learn more about business and educating others about something I feel very passionate about on the side. I also booked a vending spot for June – outside of the Hatter Brunch eeeee! I cannot wait to get things going :).

Love Life – What is this even really? Can we just talk about how lucky I am because once I would start dating again…post Fuckboy…everyone is so fucking broken and scared. What ever happened to good ole, sticking by yo’ man and vice versa? I am talking long strolls in nature, ice cream treats and hair blowing perfectly in the wind (hopefully not IN the ice cream – that is not sexy). Not giving up? Actually talking things out? Also, this ghosting thing? Why. WHY IS THIS THE GO TO OPTION NOW? 

WHAT. IS. THIS. SHIT. 

I have seen many posts about this too, even my fellow blogging friends here have mentioned this a time or two. I know we are on a feminist and mental health kick right now world and I can & am behind that too…. But can we really focus on this as well?! I mean…. At this point the population may just decline a bit because people are just giving up! #rantover

Anyway, let me just reeeeel it back in a bit here.  Honestly, things in my “love life” are…okay. By that I mean, I’m focused on so many things right now to even really dwell? <— this may not be exactly what I’m looking for… but I have chatted with Caterpillar here and there. We just have this pull for one another I suppose and that’s about all I’m going to say about that at the moment since I’m still feeling this thing out. Not to worry though my friends who have been “tuned in” to the saga that is Caterpillar & Kat. I have heard you all and I agree with all your advice and love so with that – I have my eyes PEELED, heart guarded and more vocal to Mr. Caterpillar than ever. We both have and it’s been better. 

Now to wrap up my post here – let me explain my blog title…

Some days, I wake up to my work alarm and just say… Fuck it. This happens more days than not anymore lol. But I usually take a makeup bag with me… Just in case I want to feel human and throw some war paint at work. I’m sure my co-workers thank me when I do 😅. But today was NOT one of days. I didn’t do shit today besides barely get dressed. My scarred and patchy eyebrows did not get filled in today (sorry cbus). They long to be full, filled in and fabulous – just not today sorry brows. To top of my level of “not giving a fuck” I proudly slipped my feet into C-3PO socks and then continued to shove my 29 year old feet into a pair of canvas slip-ons that are covered in dog doodles – dubbed Shoodles by Bark & Co. In terms of business casual….I was more casual.  However world, that is what you get when I am down with a sinus infection. As my dear friend Sunshine said today “it would be nice to go a week without getting sick.”

I could not agree more. 


So my friends, that is my little update. How is your week going!? Tell me all about it! 

P.s.- I will be getting to your comments soon! Thanks for hanging in there while I zombie through with this infection ♥️. 

Xoxo 😘,

Follow me down the social rabbit hole: Instagram & Pinterest !

Quick question for my fellow friends 🤔

Hello friends and happy Wednesday! 

I wanted to set a scene for you and ask that you give me your thoughts on how you would react. This may seem random right now, but it will make sense when I follow up with a longer post later 😘. 

Scene

You’re with your artistic photographer significant other one afternoon and you spot a new portfolio of theirs on the table. As the fabulous supporter of your artist, you pick it up and start flipping around, then something catches your eye. 

Specifically, a picture, that appears new based off the skill set of his “hated,  horrible, and wretched ex-girlfriend.” Page one, stating into your soul. 

One that has caused him pain, issues with his family, you as a couple and him specifically. Someone that has been “blocked” from his life and yet here she is?

Additionally, there is not a single photo of you anywhere. 

End scene. 

Here are my questions:

  • What do you think and feel?
  • What do you do? Or how do you approach the situation?
  • What do you feel the outcome should be? 

That is all friends! I encourage women, men, other artists, aliens and all others to give me their thoughts ♥️. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my mini post and I look forward to reading your thoughts and I will follow up later! 

xoxo,

Kat

Do you suppose she is a wildflower?💐🌻🌼🌺 

Hello friends 🙂

Since I have been half of a human I feel, I wanted to get back in touch with you all! Oh, how I missed my blogging friends and followers. So let’s see, what has been going on:

The Good:

  • Noble Steed 🚘 – YES! I have my noble steed back aka: my Honda Civic…or Millennium Falcon. Yes, I am still toying with a name for her. This is a very serious matter and must not be taken lightly 😉
  • Future Business & Hats 🎩 – My friend S, whom I will now dub Sunshine have been chatting a lot about future business matters and what that entails for me :). Additionally, there will be a Mad Hatter Brunch that we will be attending in June. Let that sink in… yes, an actual Mad Hatter Brunch. To say that I am over the moon, is a bit of an understatement and clearly the perfect segway into becoming a business woman – look out world! Hat photos will be posted when the time comes, until then – the hunt for the perfect hat is ON. So with that being said, should you find yourself looking at fabulous top hats, mad hatter types and see one and go – hey, this looks like a great hat for Katrina/Mad Katter and her love of all things Alice in Wonderland… I would love if you would send me that link! 😘

The Bad:

  • Birthday 🎂 – Ah yes, I see you 29, coincidentally on the 29th.For whatever reason, I am still very anxious about this. Literally, thinking about it makes me want to vomit…so there is that.
  • Homeownership 🏡 – I still have so much to do, it is overwhelming to even think about. Sometimes it is very hard to be a single home owner with a budget lol. If I had the extra cash, I would so pay someone to just come in to do all these odd jobs. Hopefully soon, I will have extra cash coming in to aid in this and also why I am going to do my best to make that happen.
    • PSA: My DIY skills are not as great as I envision in my head 😀 it is like one Pinterest fail after another, or something just doesn’t quite look right at the end haha. My heart is in it dammit, I figured that was all I needed!
  • Eye of the Katter 📸 ← Which is what I play in my head, to the tune of Eye of the Tiger while I snap photos. I still have not been able to use my camera…sad. I will this week!

The Ugly:

  • Caterpillar 🤦🏻‍♀️ – Ugh. No one is ready for that vent yet especially as I am still trying to understand men (again 😐🤣🤦🏻‍♀️)…but my dating/relationship life is not helping my anxiety for my pending 29th bday. I just keep the mentality that it will get better in one way or another – because it literally cannot get any worse HAHA. Send me happy vibes in this area please and thank you!

I think that is about it for today friends! I am feeling more alive, motivated and inspired today, I may have more later! Until then, I hope you have a fabulous day!!!

P.s. – thank you for everyone who has followed me on Instagram and Pinterest so far!! It’s lovely to see more of your day to day and look forward to seeing more!

♥️Xoxo,

Lets get SOCIAL!

Hello again!

I have some exciting (?) news, you know that I am pretty much against all things social media – especially in my personal life. I have mentioned that I find that it brings more negativity in my life than needed, I feel  mental health in this society is greatly impacted by all things social, as well as… I do not support this savage lifestyle and nonsense that I see – I just can’t. I am absolutely a get off my lawn type and a soooo “what is with today’s youth!?” kind.

Thank you for listening, NOW let me get off my soap box  and get to the point 🙂

I created a Diary of the Mad Katter Instagram page! I felt this was a good idea in terms of showing you more of my day to day experiences and lets be honest, I love taking photos and I have a new camera to do so! So instead of flooding my blog posts with excessive photos,  taking away from my focus of said blog, I feel Instagram would be a good extension of what the direction that I want this blog to go. You will get to see more of my random snaps that I do through out each day, see more of where I am from and hopefully enjoy them as much as I do. So, if you are also in the Insta world, please give me a follow! I hope to connect more with the rest of you there as well!

OH! And I have a Pinterest page as well, please check it out too🙏🏻. It is all mental health related and fabulous!

Essentially, let’s be friends!

Talk to you soon and hope to see you in the social world!!!

♥️ xoxo

How the hell did I end up this way

When I take the time to really reflect on my life and I mean really go deep in the past, I wonder simply, how the hell did I end up this way?

You see, most describe me as: sweet, too nice, dependable and very loving. I know that sounds a bit self centered but, I am just going off what I am told!

My family has and never will be a loving family.

Dinners at the table, were never a regular thing, in fact they were a rarity. Words of encouragement never really came, love and affection really was not a regular thing in both, my mother and father’s houses. In fact, it stems further back…my grandparents are not the affectionate kind either.

I have gone months without speaking to my parents and even longer for others. While some may find this a bit shocking, it’s not uncommon for us. I guess we never really made each other a priority and that is just how it has always been.

The family on my dad’s side … is the definition of aloof? ← Not sure if this is the exact word I am looking for… I am also convinced they mostly speak in mumbles, grumbles and the occasional rage outburst. Now, don’t get me wrong – there are times when I do have a somewhat normal conversation with them but let me tell you, it’s a shocker when it does happen. Aka: my entire ride back home is analyzing wtf just happened haha. The same goes for my brothers and well.. Honestly my mother and her family too. As you could imagine, holidays or family gatherings are super uncomfortable haha.

My single mother of 3, showed her love by explaining the importance of a credit score before I could drive. I mean, valuable information that ultimately did help me but we did not really talk about what I picture most mothers do or see in movies (damn you media)! There was never long phone conversations, movie nights, or bonding really. Whenever I have tried to open up to her and seek her guidance about things in life, she ignored me, literally. She still does this, she will focus on something else and never actually listen to me or she will find a way to turn it around and talk about herself. For example, the day my ex-fiance left me….6 years together, wedding plans and deposits paid and done for….just up and left and I was a disaster. My life completely turned upside down because I put a lot of effort and love in those years, his family became mine and I was closer with them than my own family….just gone. She swung by the house my ex and I just purchased and said “Well your best friend is here, you are crying and he is not here. Something must have happened.” As I try to choke out the words of what occurred…her response from across the room, scrolling or typing away on her cellphone (typical) simply was “well, sometimes people just don’t work out. Now, let me tell you about my shitty day at work and how my manager pissed me off.” That was it. No comfort as I was shattered, no words of love or encouragement or a hug. I never spoke to her about it again. It has come up here and there while I had to clean up the mess that he left but that is just how she is. I have many stories that follow that same responses or worse. The time I came to her about my deperssion when I was younger was also a horrible experience…she just does not get it and never will.

My mother did buy me things and I think that is just how she shows love? A random new leather purse, jewelry and things of that nature – while nice I guess, it is just not how I show love. She is not a terrible person, she is just who she is and as I mentioned, it seems that this stems further back in her family line. A cool demeanor, curt responses, criticism and little support is just who she is, I have accepted it long ago.

My father, while an angry fella, I love him and I lived with him for a little while when I was younger after my parents divorced. Those times were lovely, we would do things together like go camping, dirt bike riding, cook together and he also taught me how to shoot… which was nice – Daddy’s girl. He also took me to see Spice World and to a Spice Girls concert, I guess that was pretty cool and very “Dad” of him HAHA. However, when he found a younger woman who had a child, us kids kinda took the back seat in his life and they became priority. Whatever she or her child wanted, they got. He stopped doing things with my brothers and I. At times it was more apparent than others, but we slowly kind of faded to the background and it is still that way to this day. I have also learned to accept this, it took me a while though. I did not understand how a father could push his own children away and essentially place these others on a pedestal. Again, this is just who he is. He needs her in his life and will do anything to keep that going even though she leaves him often and comes crawling back over and over. I can just be there and support him when called upon.

My siblings, I have one full blooded brother and one half. I am closest with my half brother, we text and do things more often than the rest and I guess it has always been that way looking back on it. He has kind of been the normalish one of us and I am proud of him. He stuck to himself a lot, studied hard in college and made his way. He is a fellow nerd and so he usually is my Marvel movie buddy or xbox party member hahaha. My full brother was the troublemaker, most families have one I guess haha. I have been the support for him for as long as I can remember. I remember sleeping by the door when he ran away, hoping he would come back home. Or hoping he did not overdose and needed his stomach pumped again…. Mind you I was only like 10 when these things started happening. Pretty serious things for a young gal to try to understand and navigate the feelings associated with it. This came in waves and when I entered high school, he was sentenced to prison. I have seen enough prisons, both minimum and maximum to last me a lifetime. Putting together care packages and supporting him the best I could was all I could do. We would visit when we can but it was mentally and emotionally draining for me. I would do nothing but sleep the rest of the day. This was our interactions for several years, paid calls, exhausting trips and trying to encourage him to get back on the right path – which he did! Mind you, in his case while it sounds like he is terrible, he got hung up in a bad crowd and everything caught up with him. He is a good person, I think a stigma comes with that as well – he has always been good to me, in the best way he could. If he listened to anyone, it was me – my parents reminded me of this when I needed to remind him to get his head out of his ass :).

Eventually, he did. I think our growing up had a lot to do with how he spiraled out of control. He did not take well to my father pushing us aside and in terms of coping skills….not so much. I am proud to say that he did his time, which was way too long. He came out a better person, he has been on the straight and narrow ever since. Now married and living with his wife and her 2 kids. He really has amazed me.

So, as you can see – I never really had too close of a family. We lacked a lot of the qualities that families should have… if that is even a thing now? I look at my parents, whether it is their robotic ways, misguided priorities and just still wonder after all this shit and my genes…how did I end up this way?

How am I the opposite of most of them? A real black sheep of the family if you will. You would think that with the things that I have experienced, I would have turned cold because that is what I am used to and probably would have been easier than dealing with all of these feelings since I was young. To loop around to the beginning of my story, I am often told that “I care too much” or I am “too nice.” That I also let people take advantage of me, but perhaps it’s because I am used to seeing so much negative growing up, I try to find the positive in everything, I give second chances and love others too hard at times. I live by the phrases, you never know what others are going through so it’s best to be kind, even if they are not to you and to also be careful what you say, especially in anger because once it’s out, you cannot take it back.

While I take my 3 pills at night to help my anxiety and depression that has plagued me since I was 16, pop vitamin D when it’s raining for days because I just “cannot deal” with it, continue therapy on a biweekly schedule, suffer from some trust issues, live with the double edged sword of – slow to anger, sleep for days and withdraw at times… I guess I turned out okay? I am glad that I am not a cold person…especially when life has given me every reason to be.

If you made it here, congrats! Thank you for listening to my ramblings/thoughts about family and life. This has been sitting in my drafts for about a week. I have tweaked it a bit and really sat on whether I wanted to post this. It is very open, raw and quite gloomy haha. I am not sure if you will be able to take anything from this, but it was therapeutic for me. So thank you for your support.

Also remember that you are loved, worthy and special humans, I hope you a great day!

Xoxo,

Kat

What does anxiety feel like?

Hello friends 🙂

Things have calmed a little on my end. I have nothing really new to report. After having a two day spat, I’m trying to take in the good. 

Anyway, with this past week – I have struggled with my anxiety and insomnia a great deal. One of my friends had asked “what does your anxiety attacks feel like?” Or essentially, how do I feel when I have these rough patches if you will. I reflected in how I was feeling and this is how I explained it:

My chest feels tore open, set a flame that spreads up to my neck. Nausea takes over and I cannot eat. I also have short breath and lightheadedness. 

How do you describe your experiences with extreme anxiety? I try my best to use breathing techniques but it’s difficult when it gets to that level. 

Tonight’s post is short and sweet, hopefully after a good night of trazodone induced sleep – I will be back full swing. 

Thanks for stopping by and for all your support, love and advice this last week. 

❤️❤️