Of course, I have been a bit busier with my Crisis Training lately and my blog has fell wayside…like I meant to write this Sunday evening (when I was still traumatized) and it is now Wednesday…sooo go me? Anyway, some of you may remember my turkey incident… or what I call the Fowl Foul.
Now, on to the day that I let a turkey bully me… (again)
There I was, on day 3 (Sunday) of nothing but pure relaxation, endless snacks and the house all to my self… this never happens and I lived it up by really doing nothing and enjoying my home without family invaders…ahem.
Anyway, I hear that lovely chime from my phone and immediately groan..who the fuck is bothering me on my day 3 of solitude!? Oh, my father – my bad. It turns out, I made the mistake of committing to a dinner at his place that evening- oops totally forgot. He must have caught me in a moment of weakness, you see we are not that close and really, I was pissed that I had to leave my cocoon, wear pants, talk to people – let alone family after a good weekend of not having to do anything – I was on no one elses time, no other commitments…except this dinner. I figure, well it has been a few months, perhaps I will just suck it up and go. I am sure some of you understand this feeling right?
Well, the time rolled around for the dinner before I knew it. I arrive promptly on time and as I understood, you know we would actually be eating around the time given…oh silly me. So as I pull in, I am met with the monstrosity of feathers and anger….and yes my friends…it was him again and I literally mumbled…”ah yes, see this is why I don’t come here…fuck.”
For my people that have had the lovely experience a turkey up close, they are much bigger than I imagined. I apparently forgot this little fact and the turkey – I don’t know how you forget a pissed off tank of a turkey but I did. UGH
So, I am terrified of birds – just ask any of my friends who has been walking around with me and in flies this rogue bird at my face or within 10 feet of me, I will expel some what of a screech? An eek? I am not sure what to call it, but the anxiety levels go through the roof and its all a mess.
Now back to my story! So…. I pull up and park, text my father because that is the only person that jerk of a turkey really listens to? Alpha turkey probs? I don’t know so as I am doing this, Tank and his now 2 other family members come up TO MY CAR. Like to my driver’s door and so I sent the following:
Dad, your turkey is staring me down and planning to kill me. No, really – he is at my window all puffed out staring.”
Apparently my father was not even home, he had to go to the grocery store…….so. It was me, Fowl Foul and 3 other feathered friends lurking around my car. So, I decide – well this is where I die because I am not getting out of this car. So I start coming up with scenarios…
- Do I try to shoo him off? I mean it is a bird, I am a human..I mean… right? No that is just silly. That bastard is half of me easily.
- Consider taking out the turkey with my car if he gets too crazy…but I have a Honda Civic now and well, that bird would prob destroy my low car (ahh I miss my old crossover).
- Just leave, I mean dinner was not even started and he was not even there… rude. But my father said he was on his way.
So I stayed and continued the stand off, then I think who the hell just has turkeys roaming..but really it is more common than my desperate thoughts are going.
The Stare Down (exhibit A)
After seeing that photo, can you agree that he was just waiting to take me out? The bird paced in front of my door and not in a kind way – if that exists. The fluffed up feathers and those evil beady eyes gave him away. Also… I am convinced he smelled my fear.
After an eternity of thinking about who is going to take care of my dogs after I am taken out by a raging asshole turkey. My father finally pulls in and I breathe a little bit better. Fitting for the story, he hops out of his truck chuckling as he sees me in the car. He was able to contain said turkey and or try to give me tips to handle him if needed.
I am sorry, tips? I am not going anywhere near that tank of feathers. I am convinced he has ticks in his coop for every child, dog, human and or deer he has prob eaten. Just takes a talon and just claws another and he wanted me to be the next.
So he handles the turkey and I run inside haha and after everything calms, the dinner begins, drinks were had and my father shared a lovely conversation over some nice pasta and boozy beverages. Until something catches my eye toward the porch screen door….oh my effing god the turkey went up the stairs and was staring at me through both doors, it was something in a horror movie, I kid you not. I did not get a photo because I was shocked and as the words “uhh dad, you have a turkey at your door” left my mouth….so he continues to shoo said turkey off and we continue about this…uhhh… lovely dinner.
After my father sat back down, he nonchalantly says “I don’t know why that turkey is like that. Maybe I will just slaughter him on Sunday.”
I about choked on my pasta.
I was like, well dad that is great dinner conversation, not that I am not all for this and perhaps he will make a fine roasted dinner? But I did not want to hear it over pasta or at the dinner table?
This is my family.
It is like venison or any other meat that we consume, right? I personally don’t care for the back story of my dinner. Perhaps I should consider different diets, considering my lab results haha.
Anyway, I added on – how much does that turkey way out of curiosity. “well the last time we weighed him he was 65-70 or so pounds.”
My mind races with: ummm so you thought I could take on the turkey that is more than half of me… okay. I don’t mess with tiny sparrows, let alone… those things.
So thankfully plates were clearing and I had to get back to my pups. While gathering my coat and purse, I ask “now if I go out there, will that turkey be there or do these things go in the coop on a schedule?”
My father tried to reassure me that they are usually huddled up in their coop.
I assume doing turkey and other fellow chicken things, like prob poker and musing over their stories of scaring humans. Or just me, lets be honest.
Just to be safe he walked out to the porch with me and of course there he was, allll huddled (I think that is correct) on the opposite side of the stairs where I could not see him, especially in the dark. He was waiting… I KNEW IT! Which is also what I screamed as I ran into my wonderfully and purposely unlocked car.
The drive to my house is fairly short, maybe 10 or so minutes and during that time, I reflect and conclude….. I just let a turkey bully me.
So there you have it my friends. I wanted to share this silly story in hopes to brighten your mid week – please feel free to share your own avian stories, laugh and or comment below!
I also welcome any comments on how you are all doing as well – catch me up!
***PS – forgive me of all typos and nonsense, the story was flowing and I just did not stop***
Until next time!
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