Case of the Mondays

Hello friends & happy Monday!!

So, I tried to blog Friday, then again over the weekend and I just did not feel creative. I tried and wanted to chat with all of you but just could not find the words or…anything. It was sad! So today my friends, I am forcing myself and I do feel a little more lively today.  I FREAKING MISSED YOU!

Okay, so let’s see… what did I do this weekend…

Friday: I was brain dead. It was such a busy work week in comparison to what we have been and I dated things in July…so there was that. I FREAKING thought it was July friends. Needless to say, I went home and just shut down. As an introvert, too much stimuli can wear me down. I feel like I did not do much “self care” if you will – so powered down like a damn robot is what I did.  I came across this a while ago and it is so perfect & true. This was me… but imagine brown hair and 3 dogs around me versus the cat haha. Most people probably would think this is lame but, it is a necessity in order for me to be a somewhat social and functioning human being.

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Saturday: Was not much better. I am pretty sure I finally rolled out of bed at like 1P and showered at 3P. I nap, stir, watch Netflix and repeat. I did eventually order pizza and texted with a few people – very limited socializing haha. Then, a burst of energy hit and I started cleaning the house like a mad woman. Reorganizing my closet, still sifting through clothes for donations, dusted, put away my heavy boots (FINALLY!), steam cleaned the carpets and cleared a lot of clutter – my soul was much happier in the end. It was worth dealing with my dust allergy… kinda. Fun fact – my allergist told me that I should clean with a mask on. I have yet to do this, I find it silly but…. times like Saturday & Sunday I realize that perhaps I DO need one and that this doctor MAY know what he is talking about….maybe I will look for some fun ones? Anyway the “Mad Housewife that is NOT a wife at all but merely a crazed dog mom/cleaning machine vibe” continued into the wee hours  – look fucking out world! I am usually ready for bed by 10P!

Sunday: The madness continued. I decided I was going to shave my dog, I realize this may sound a bit… off. But I have fluffy dog problem and my girl Sydney was rocking some SERIOUS dog pantaloons? Pup-Pants? Fuzzy Butt? Butt fluff???? I am not sure what the correct term is but they were getting a bit out of control annnnnd her tail was a bit long too. So I channeled my inner dog groomer and went to town. I should have done a “before and after” but this all was a bit random and really did not plan for the fashion shoot 🐕 #fail. Regardless she seems like a happy pup! Just look at her!  My grooming skills must have passed the Syd test! ♥️

Derp!

I hope everyone had a good start to the week! I am drained from the day (again) – sorry my that I don’t have too much to report…… EXCEPT FOR THESE BAD ASS SOCKS! 👇🏻 AREN’T THESE INCREDIBLE!? They are so me and btw…I have a thing for fabulous socks! Stripes, dots, houndstooth, nerdy and witty – love them all! 

 Monday morning gifts from friends are the best ♥️ ! 💁🏼💁🏻

That is really all I’ve got today guys, how was your weekend!? Tell me ALL THE THINGS. 
xoxo,

Rosy cheeks, music and sloth mode photo challenge addition.

Hello my friends!

Happy Wednesday! What the hell where did the time go!? Well… I missed last weeks photo challenge. I totally thought I would get that posted before hand – oops! So here are my additions to the WP Weekly Photo Challenge – Reflecting :

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Reflecting

WHEW! Now that I can sleep tonight for adding those, I will add this weeks another day haha.


Back to life…

GIVE ME RED WINE OR GIVE ME DEATH: Adulthood is filled with doctor’s appointments. Seriously, I have been to some sort of doc like 3 times in the past week. BTW annual check ups are so important, make sure you are scheduling them and taking care of yourself!

Ahem… excuse my Mom moment there.

Today’s visit was to the dermatologist.

Image result for grey's anatomy dermatology meme
Grey’s Anatomy – Brave New World (Dermatology Episode)

I have never had the pleasure and of course when I would go, there was an irate fella screaming at the poor derm assistants. I felt bad for them. Here they are, in this lovely place and Mr. I have been late the past 3 times (from what my sonar ears overheard) was not happy that he made this trip again without being seen….apparently this man needs a watch or a lesson in punctuality….I was not the one to make mention to this angry little man.

I did not realize that I needed my Hulk pants on today nor did I realize that I needed to channel my inner Bruce Banner to get my irritated skin checked out. Also, I was just completed “Active Aggressor” training for work last week, it was still fresh in my mind. RUN, HIDE OR FIGHT was replaying in my head…also the fact that I should always go for the eyes if I indeed do choose to fight. This was the lovely Public Safety/Secret Service man’s words, not mine. So keep that in mind friends! ALWAYS GO FOR THE EYES! Or hide, which will probably be my go to.

Anyway! Back to my skin…No my friends, green hulk skin was not my issue (or perhaps the lack there of was?) – redness is my issue. I have been struggling with sensitive skin for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, as I have aged it has progressed into angry, all the green concealer in the world will not cover this shade issue. Additionally, my skin started to get lesions, more broken capillaries, itchiness and my face just fucking hurts now. So, I figured now is the time. The lovely Doc looked at my makeup-less face and immediately said rosacea. Of course, I figured this by all my “expert” Googling and experiences. This obviously needs to be fixed  because, how am I am going to convince a man to “put a ring” on it one day  looking wine drunk 24/7! Jk…Kinda .  

 Then it happened… this man had the nerve to inform me of “triggers” that worsen this rosy cheek/lush/always embarrassed look… Spicy foods – no prob, I do not really care for it but RED WINE!? I LOVE RED WINE! “white is better for rosacea patients…”

I am sorry? Clearly this man does not know me…which we did just meet so I will give him a pass because…. red is the only wine that I really enjoy. So…as he writes up my new care plan and writing scripts, I am thinking about my coffee that is waiting in my car for me… that must now “be left to cool” or drink iced coffee to help with this whole “situation.” FINE. So the very important part of this story is… Do you happen to have any White Wine recommendations?! I guess I am going to have to find my budget puny wine in white… that is right. I picked up this bottle of “Sheep Thrills” based solely on the pun. I live shamelessly…Or sheepishly? !

Image result for sheep thrills wine

Just take it all in… it’s beautiful^. Wait…WHAT IF I AM A LUSH!?

Moving on!

Music in my ears: Something crazy happened today, I actually listened to music at work. I had mentioned this in a blog a long time ago regarding my depression. I have recently been listening to it in the car and now in the office. I honestly cannot remember the last time I did this. Not even bird songs….which is a whole other thing. Just silence. I am sure this means something… perhaps everything is coming back together. I am feeling closer to friends, I am getting more motivated (aka – I set up my printer and cleaned my office!), I have new business adventures on the horizon and loving it. Caterpillar…well we are talking and doing okay at the moment, there is more SUN now that we are in Spring FULL SWING! So…without me realizing it, perhaps I popped out of the rabbit hole for a bit? My co-worker even noticed the music playing today… that is a real friend by the way 🙂 they know you better than you know yourself.

Blog LogI just wanted to take this tim to thank all of my followers again! I cannot believe that I have 200 people who are actively or once interested in what I have to say. You guys are pretty much the best! I have made friends around the world, found fellow sufferers/warriors of different kinds and with different backgrounds regarding mental health and chronic illnesses (thank you for all your support and I hope you feel supported from me as well!). I have also found fellow lovers of photos and snapping them – it is so wonderful to have you all here *ugly cry face*. THANK YOU AGAIN!

Speaking of Blog Love, I was nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award! THANK YOU @tiredmindtypingfingers ! I did not forget and will be posting it soon – PROMISE!

xoxoxo,

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Monday coffee, birthday weekend recap and my stand off with the Foul Fowl 🦃

 

Good evening  friends & happy Monday to all of you! I have been away for a few days – so lets catch up shall we!?

Friday: I took my lovely puppers to the dog park in the evening, we all made some new friends – with and without fur. There is nothing quite like watching your once anxiety ridden dog play without fear and greet the occasional human – Sydney has been a work in progress since I got her in 2013? So proud dog mom moment :). Then the rain came and I had to pack up the pups and head home :). Ordered Chinese, started a Netflix binge – then BAM the storm knocked out my electric for… like 4 damn hours. Fun fact, I cannot sleep in a dead quiet home. I just can’t relax enough to sleep…also heard from Caterpillar during this black out but that is for another day….maybe.

Saturday: The Golden Birthday had arrived and I was quite exhausted and definitely too sleep deprived to get my photo taken for my ID…but such is life lol. After a nice leisurely hour, waiting to give the BMV all my monies – I finally got the adult portion of the day out of the way! VICTORY! So off to go do some crafty things with my friend P who also brought a lovely cake and flowers for my birthday – very sweet. She found a local painting place, so we found some cute ceramics and began painting, I chose a cute little gnome – I will make sure to share him after he is fired and looking fabulous in his colorful attire. Ironically, I did not see the name of the green that I chose for his coat right away… turns out it was called “jaded” so there is that…ahem… LOL. Anyway, we then had lunch and back to the homestead for this gal – I bought Barley a new toy  while I was out too! So I was happy to give that to him…for the 2 seconds that he had it, then Syd took it, ah siblings! I finished my evening with a ladies night in – wine, brownies, dog cuddles (true introvert moment – go to a party, love on the dog!) and great conversations – it was a good day after all. After much anticipation and excessive worry, I made it. Hello 29, here we go!! <– Still a little anxious haha.

Sunday: I slept in. I was lazy until I was forced to move and go to my fathers. He was making me a birthday dinner, so of course I had to go. I think I may have rolled out of my bed (aka: nest) around 2pm. This is what happens when you turn 29 apparently haha. Since my father lives in a farm house with yard to roam, I always load up a pup, oe two…or 3. In this instance I tried all 3, this was the first time trying to cram all 3 fifty-ish pound dogs…in my civic. Just try and picture that. Luckily, the blind pupper Ana, curls up in the passenger seat next to me and naps the entire time, the other two hang out the rear windows – slobber and fur flying everywhere, an image of pure bliss. I wish I was that happy all the time – yeeesh!

It turns out my father recently acquired a turkey. Yes, a live, waddling and terrifying turkey. I must have forgotten this little fact because judging by the size of this feathered BEAST – it clearly was an adult?

I am going to be honest with you, outside of my backyard avian friends…I don’t give a shit about birds. They terrify me. I mentioned in one of my previous posts about a couple interactions with these creatures that resulted in a few trust issues and what I would assume is a small form of PTSD.

I was greeted by this large, white mass of feathers. Yes, greeted. I rolled up dogs hanging out windows, loving life to face this… thing.

I refused to get out of my car.

In fact, I am glad to be here typing this today.  SO…I eased my little Civic to the safest place to park while I came up with my master plan.

Another fun fact: Sydney loves to chase the chickens (gotta love border collie mixes), when she saw this thing she CLEARLY wanted the challenge. The drool became excessive. I had to try to get her back inside the safe car, so I could roll up the windows… meanwhile this thing sang what I assume is its “war gobble” while staring into my soul, mocking me with its extensive wing flaps.

Image result for big turkey meme
This meme accurately showcases my turkey nemesis

So there I sat. I watched him slowly stalk around a bit, taking his sweet turkey time all the while trying to talk Sydney – the fierce bird chaser off the ledge. I just simply had to tell her… “Sydney, you do not want to go paw to claw with this one. You will get eaten, Ana will get scooped up and I will probably die some how in some tragic burst of feathers while the victorious bird drives off in my Civic.” As if Sydney understood any of this…

Yes, my friends that is where my crazy mind went to haha. Now, we waited. All dogs accounted for, it was a waiting game and perhaps dare I say a game of chicken and I was losing. It seemed like forever, but the turkey finally moved past my car, occasionally gobbling about – still mocking me strutting away to the barn. 

It was my chance. I quickly leashed up Sydney to protect her from doing anything crazy, like running towards the beast and losing an eye. Two blind dogs was not on my list post birthday. So I coaxed Barley and Ana and gently tugged Sydney inside the farm house as fast as my two legs and 12 paws would allow. Whew. The look on my father’s face said it all, I clearly looked terrified and as I explain my surprise of said bulbous turkey – he laughed.  

Thanks Dad. Way to laugh at your scared daughter and her crazy dog pack. 

So. After a few steady breaths, I released Syd and let the other pups roam the house – looking for scraps and pets. Dinner ended up being lovely, smoked ribs and corn – life couldn’t get any better for me. I passed on the salad… However, I want to note that during my meal on the porch,  I saw white fucker strut into my peripherals…He hunkered down and watched me. CLEARLY looking for round two. No mister Foul Fowl, not today. So I did what any logical adult would to, terrified of birds… I waited him out again. As soon as he went into his little home area/coop/war bunker, I waved goodbye to my father and encouraged my pups to play chase….Into the car. We drove off, without a…scratch and all accounted for – I’m just not sure if we will be visiting anytime soon 😂🦃. 

So that was my birthday weekend. It was low key, filled with love from few and survived Battle of the Turkey. 

How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting? Do you have ridiculous fears as well?? 

Thank you for all the birthday wishes as well! Barley and I appreciated the kind words and love! 

xoxo,

Follow me on: Instagram & Pinterest !

Do you suppose she is a wildflower?💐🌻🌼🌺 

Hello friends 🙂

Since I have been half of a human I feel, I wanted to get back in touch with you all! Oh, how I missed my blogging friends and followers. So let’s see, what has been going on:

The Good:

  • Noble Steed 🚘 – YES! I have my noble steed back aka: my Honda Civic…or Millennium Falcon. Yes, I am still toying with a name for her. This is a very serious matter and must not be taken lightly 😉
  • Future Business & Hats 🎩 – My friend S, whom I will now dub Sunshine have been chatting a lot about future business matters and what that entails for me :). Additionally, there will be a Mad Hatter Brunch that we will be attending in June. Let that sink in… yes, an actual Mad Hatter Brunch. To say that I am over the moon, is a bit of an understatement and clearly the perfect segway into becoming a business woman – look out world! Hat photos will be posted when the time comes, until then – the hunt for the perfect hat is ON. So with that being said, should you find yourself looking at fabulous top hats, mad hatter types and see one and go – hey, this looks like a great hat for Katrina/Mad Katter and her love of all things Alice in Wonderland… I would love if you would send me that link! 😘

The Bad:

  • Birthday 🎂 – Ah yes, I see you 29, coincidentally on the 29th.For whatever reason, I am still very anxious about this. Literally, thinking about it makes me want to vomit…so there is that.
  • Homeownership 🏡 – I still have so much to do, it is overwhelming to even think about. Sometimes it is very hard to be a single home owner with a budget lol. If I had the extra cash, I would so pay someone to just come in to do all these odd jobs. Hopefully soon, I will have extra cash coming in to aid in this and also why I am going to do my best to make that happen.
    • PSA: My DIY skills are not as great as I envision in my head 😀 it is like one Pinterest fail after another, or something just doesn’t quite look right at the end haha. My heart is in it dammit, I figured that was all I needed!
  • Eye of the Katter 📸 ← Which is what I play in my head, to the tune of Eye of the Tiger while I snap photos. I still have not been able to use my camera…sad. I will this week!

The Ugly:

  • Caterpillar 🤦🏻‍♀️ – Ugh. No one is ready for that vent yet especially as I am still trying to understand men (again 😐🤣🤦🏻‍♀️)…but my dating/relationship life is not helping my anxiety for my pending 29th bday. I just keep the mentality that it will get better in one way or another – because it literally cannot get any worse HAHA. Send me happy vibes in this area please and thank you!

I think that is about it for today friends! I am feeling more alive, motivated and inspired today, I may have more later! Until then, I hope you have a fabulous day!!!

P.s. – thank you for everyone who has followed me on Instagram and Pinterest so far!! It’s lovely to see more of your day to day and look forward to seeing more!

♥️Xoxo,

How the hell did I end up this way

When I take the time to really reflect on my life and I mean really go deep in the past, I wonder simply, how the hell did I end up this way?

You see, most describe me as: sweet, too nice, dependable and very loving. I know that sounds a bit self centered but, I am just going off what I am told!

My family has and never will be a loving family.

Dinners at the table, were never a regular thing, in fact they were a rarity. Words of encouragement never really came, love and affection really was not a regular thing in both, my mother and father’s houses. In fact, it stems further back…my grandparents are not the affectionate kind either.

I have gone months without speaking to my parents and even longer for others. While some may find this a bit shocking, it’s not uncommon for us. I guess we never really made each other a priority and that is just how it has always been.

The family on my dad’s side … is the definition of aloof? ← Not sure if this is the exact word I am looking for… I am also convinced they mostly speak in mumbles, grumbles and the occasional rage outburst. Now, don’t get me wrong – there are times when I do have a somewhat normal conversation with them but let me tell you, it’s a shocker when it does happen. Aka: my entire ride back home is analyzing wtf just happened haha. The same goes for my brothers and well.. Honestly my mother and her family too. As you could imagine, holidays or family gatherings are super uncomfortable haha.

My single mother of 3, showed her love by explaining the importance of a credit score before I could drive. I mean, valuable information that ultimately did help me but we did not really talk about what I picture most mothers do or see in movies (damn you media)! There was never long phone conversations, movie nights, or bonding really. Whenever I have tried to open up to her and seek her guidance about things in life, she ignored me, literally. She still does this, she will focus on something else and never actually listen to me or she will find a way to turn it around and talk about herself. For example, the day my ex-fiance left me….6 years together, wedding plans and deposits paid and done for….just up and left and I was a disaster. My life completely turned upside down because I put a lot of effort and love in those years, his family became mine and I was closer with them than my own family….just gone. She swung by the house my ex and I just purchased and said “Well your best friend is here, you are crying and he is not here. Something must have happened.” As I try to choke out the words of what occurred…her response from across the room, scrolling or typing away on her cellphone (typical) simply was “well, sometimes people just don’t work out. Now, let me tell you about my shitty day at work and how my manager pissed me off.” That was it. No comfort as I was shattered, no words of love or encouragement or a hug. I never spoke to her about it again. It has come up here and there while I had to clean up the mess that he left but that is just how she is. I have many stories that follow that same responses or worse. The time I came to her about my deperssion when I was younger was also a horrible experience…she just does not get it and never will.

My mother did buy me things and I think that is just how she shows love? A random new leather purse, jewelry and things of that nature – while nice I guess, it is just not how I show love. She is not a terrible person, she is just who she is and as I mentioned, it seems that this stems further back in her family line. A cool demeanor, curt responses, criticism and little support is just who she is, I have accepted it long ago.

My father, while an angry fella, I love him and I lived with him for a little while when I was younger after my parents divorced. Those times were lovely, we would do things together like go camping, dirt bike riding, cook together and he also taught me how to shoot… which was nice – Daddy’s girl. He also took me to see Spice World and to a Spice Girls concert, I guess that was pretty cool and very “Dad” of him HAHA. However, when he found a younger woman who had a child, us kids kinda took the back seat in his life and they became priority. Whatever she or her child wanted, they got. He stopped doing things with my brothers and I. At times it was more apparent than others, but we slowly kind of faded to the background and it is still that way to this day. I have also learned to accept this, it took me a while though. I did not understand how a father could push his own children away and essentially place these others on a pedestal. Again, this is just who he is. He needs her in his life and will do anything to keep that going even though she leaves him often and comes crawling back over and over. I can just be there and support him when called upon.

My siblings, I have one full blooded brother and one half. I am closest with my half brother, we text and do things more often than the rest and I guess it has always been that way looking back on it. He has kind of been the normalish one of us and I am proud of him. He stuck to himself a lot, studied hard in college and made his way. He is a fellow nerd and so he usually is my Marvel movie buddy or xbox party member hahaha. My full brother was the troublemaker, most families have one I guess haha. I have been the support for him for as long as I can remember. I remember sleeping by the door when he ran away, hoping he would come back home. Or hoping he did not overdose and needed his stomach pumped again…. Mind you I was only like 10 when these things started happening. Pretty serious things for a young gal to try to understand and navigate the feelings associated with it. This came in waves and when I entered high school, he was sentenced to prison. I have seen enough prisons, both minimum and maximum to last me a lifetime. Putting together care packages and supporting him the best I could was all I could do. We would visit when we can but it was mentally and emotionally draining for me. I would do nothing but sleep the rest of the day. This was our interactions for several years, paid calls, exhausting trips and trying to encourage him to get back on the right path – which he did! Mind you, in his case while it sounds like he is terrible, he got hung up in a bad crowd and everything caught up with him. He is a good person, I think a stigma comes with that as well – he has always been good to me, in the best way he could. If he listened to anyone, it was me – my parents reminded me of this when I needed to remind him to get his head out of his ass :).

Eventually, he did. I think our growing up had a lot to do with how he spiraled out of control. He did not take well to my father pushing us aside and in terms of coping skills….not so much. I am proud to say that he did his time, which was way too long. He came out a better person, he has been on the straight and narrow ever since. Now married and living with his wife and her 2 kids. He really has amazed me.

So, as you can see – I never really had too close of a family. We lacked a lot of the qualities that families should have… if that is even a thing now? I look at my parents, whether it is their robotic ways, misguided priorities and just still wonder after all this shit and my genes…how did I end up this way?

How am I the opposite of most of them? A real black sheep of the family if you will. You would think that with the things that I have experienced, I would have turned cold because that is what I am used to and probably would have been easier than dealing with all of these feelings since I was young. To loop around to the beginning of my story, I am often told that “I care too much” or I am “too nice.” That I also let people take advantage of me, but perhaps it’s because I am used to seeing so much negative growing up, I try to find the positive in everything, I give second chances and love others too hard at times. I live by the phrases, you never know what others are going through so it’s best to be kind, even if they are not to you and to also be careful what you say, especially in anger because once it’s out, you cannot take it back.

While I take my 3 pills at night to help my anxiety and depression that has plagued me since I was 16, pop vitamin D when it’s raining for days because I just “cannot deal” with it, continue therapy on a biweekly schedule, suffer from some trust issues, live with the double edged sword of – slow to anger, sleep for days and withdraw at times… I guess I turned out okay? I am glad that I am not a cold person…especially when life has given me every reason to be.

If you made it here, congrats! Thank you for listening to my ramblings/thoughts about family and life. This has been sitting in my drafts for about a week. I have tweaked it a bit and really sat on whether I wanted to post this. It is very open, raw and quite gloomy haha. I am not sure if you will be able to take anything from this, but it was therapeutic for me. So thank you for your support.

Also remember that you are loved, worthy and special humans, I hope you a great day!

Xoxo,

Kat

Monday coffee fueled thoughts! 

Hello friends & happy Monday!

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Tis a grey, gloomy day in Columbus, OH. I have thrown down my vitamin d gummies (like a REAL adult..ahem) and currently enjoying a large coffee. Essentially with that combo, I should be ready to take on the world soon!

How was everyone’s weekend? Did you do anything new or exciting?

I did a lot of “adulting” things I guess you could say – I am all caught up on laundry and cleaning. There is something so soothing about a clean space, I need to stay on top of it more…. Cluttered space = cluttered mind and I say NO MORE!

I am feeling better emotionally this week – knock on wood. I am hoping to keep it that way. Thanks again for all your support last week friends ❤ you are the best! I did not realize that I needed a damn battle helmet to start/get through last week. Had I known, I would have worn it with pride…and accessorized it accordingly.

With all of last week’s aftermath still floating around in my head, I am thinking about trying to expand my self-care list. Mine is rather small and includes: basking in sun when available in Ohio and blanket cocooning with Netflix playing in the background to recharge. I clearly need to try some more options, before I turn into a full blown hermit! So with that that in mind, What is your favorite self care tip/activity?? Hopefully by sharing, we will all try something new!


I hope everyone has a great start to the week, talk to you soon!

❤️❤️❤️

What does anxiety feel like?

Hello friends 🙂

Things have calmed a little on my end. I have nothing really new to report. After having a two day spat, I’m trying to take in the good. 

Anyway, with this past week – I have struggled with my anxiety and insomnia a great deal. One of my friends had asked “what does your anxiety attacks feel like?” Or essentially, how do I feel when I have these rough patches if you will. I reflected in how I was feeling and this is how I explained it:

My chest feels tore open, set a flame that spreads up to my neck. Nausea takes over and I cannot eat. I also have short breath and lightheadedness. 

How do you describe your experiences with extreme anxiety? I try my best to use breathing techniques but it’s difficult when it gets to that level. 

Tonight’s post is short and sweet, hopefully after a good night of trazodone induced sleep – I will be back full swing. 

Thanks for stopping by and for all your support, love and advice this last week. 

❤️❤️

Spring into it List

Hello friends! 

Today is the first day of spring here in the lovely state of Ohio. It was a rainy and gloomy day but hey – we are on the up and up! I want to say goodbye to you winter blues! HA. I MADE IT….Mostly. 

So with spring in the air – I wanted to write out a to-do list. I am hoping it will keep me as on track as my fellow bloggers. So here we go:

  1. Finish flooring 
  2. Trim my effing windows 
  3. Pick paint 
  4. Get a digital camera for my adventures and blogging 
  5. Do better with my self care schedule…Without guilt 
  6. Take and print off enough photos to cover my walls with my art
  7. Figure out my recent stubborn dog problem…🐕
  8. Hike more 
  9. Create a budget and stick with it 
  10. Learn to love me 100%
  11. Figure this Caterpillar situation 
  12. Perhaps take a road trip or some sort of vacation 
  13. Get more sun – vitamin D deficiency be damned!
  14. Exercise more & watch what I eat 🙂
  15. Plant a mini garden and NOT kill it

I think this a good start, I hope by writing it out and  sharing,that I will stick with it haha. 

Do lists help you? Especially if you suffer from anxiety? What are your big plans for spring?!

Happy Monday and hope to chat soon! Therapy day tomorrow – I’m sure I will have more to say then! Thanks for stopping by! 

❤️

28 going on 40!? Today was therapy day.  

Hello friends 👋🏻

I had therapy today. I found a wonderful therapist last year, so it’s not nearly as painful as it once was. I think that is key – honestly. Find your match if you will ☺️. I did and find it super helpful and recommend it. If you just need that one unbiased person to help you soul searching and battle things you didn’t even know – give it a try. 

The only downside to this, each session leaves me drained. It takes everything out of me but I guess that’s the point eh? Purge your damn soul to this person, who in turn asks hard questions about YOU. Which makes me so uncomfortable. I have no problem focusing on anyone  else, taking care of people is what I call my super power. 

Anyway I wanted to touch base with my followers but I’m struggling to be witty at the moment so I will switch to listing the good, the bad and the ugly of my day 🙏🏻. 

The Good:

  • I was told I have a soul of a 40 something. I find this endearing for some reason. Lol. 
  • I was not late for work today – winning. 
  • Work went by quickly and without issue. 
  • Had therapy for the first time in a while. 
  • I was told I was funny. 
  • Job. Dogs.  Roof over my head 

The Bad:

  • Had therapy today. It leaves me drained. 
  • I’m dreading 29 reallllllllly bad right now. It’s almost 30 and I feel more alone than ever. When I wish I just had someone to battle the world next to me. 
  • It has been raining for days. 
  • I’m struggling with a lot of me actually. Which was a topic at  therapy,I need to try to be more gentle with myself. I apparently judge myself too harshly. Upon  reflection, she is probably right. 

The Ugly:

  • I haven’t heard from Caterpillar, this has been one of our longest stretches. So I have to figure that out and what I need to do for me. 
  • When my therapist asked me what are some things that I love about me, I couldn’t come up with anything. But I told her without sun and current low  feeling, I would have no issue with this. I love me honestly, even though it seems dark right now. 
  • Fighting the feeling that “everyone leaves me” – easier said than done. 
  • Perhaps I love too much. Do I change? Idk.  

Well. Sorry this wasn’t as cheery as I hoped, I have some reflection and homework to.  Thanks for stopping by and if you’re feeling low as well – Hang in there and I will too! *Hugs*

More cheer and updates to come. Thanks so for hanging in there with me all. 

❤️

Oh, hello rabbit hole. It’s been a while…

Hello rabbit hole – I need to climb up.

I have been struggling to put my thoughts together over the past few days…

Some other things that I have noticed over the past month: I don’t play music when I drive, or when ride the bus or during work my 9-5.

My bed feels like the only safe place. I struggle to get though the day, come home to my three obnoxious dogs. I take care of them and sometimes myself…then retreat to comfy clothes and cocoon in a blanket. Every day.

I don’t eat three meals or drink any water. I’m lucky to get one decent meal in       to be honest. Some days it may just be a cliff bar.

Self care? Forget it. I don’t think I’ve brushed my hair in three days. So…

I guess before I knew it, I slipped, fell and landed head first into the bottom of the rabbit hole… Or depression if you will. 

Of course post breakup or whatever you want to call it – these things are natural. Staying in bed, not eating or over eating when I do. Then before I knew it, a month went by. That’s right, it has officially been a month.

It seems like it drug by, but honestly we all know a month is not a lot of time. I have stayed in contact with Caterpillar (to view that saga – see my post “Depression within relationships…) when he initiates and things were going so well, that I even stayed with him during one of his hard days last week. Other days, I’m not so strong. I knew it would be hard…but some days – whew. I still have faith and even more than I did before but on these off days, it just feels tiring to be strong for two if you will.

Anyway, I’m susceptible to depression. It’s been legit freezing outside or rainy and it just helps me slip into that mode with ease. I do keep up on my meds and avoid alcohol during these times. Alcohol when I’m depressed – eh takes me to a very dark place that’s takes me like 3 days to recover. Does anyone else have this problem??

So in efforts to dig myself out of this hole and focus on gratitude and self care… I was thinking about starting a bullet journal. I jus don’t know where to start…

BuzzFeed posted this article that inspired me and included everything that I think may be helpful.

Do any of you use any of the topics included in the article? Do you have any product suggestions? Thoughts? Advice!? Words of encouragement!?

Thanks so much for reading through my cluster thoughts and being the awesome readers/friends that you are.

Xoxo,

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P.S. – The featured photo is from this evening…when I ordered pizza for my feelings and asked them to surprise me with something written inside the box 😂❤️. It’s the little things right?