Going through my files, I found a piece of your favorite legal pad.
I knew what it was.
I’m surprised that it had not made it into the trash by now. However, this one somehow lingered. I assume it was for this exact moment, years later.
My curiosity got the best of me. I probably should have knew better, but I opened and read your letter anyway.
It did not have a date, but one must assume this was in our earlier years together.
The blue lines were filled with your handwriting. Sharing our experiences, describing our first date in detail and how we held hands.
What a sweet statement.
Your letter expressed how waking up next to me everyday, encouraged you to be the best person you could be. Leading into sharing how “giving and amazing” that I was and how much you appreciated and loved me for being “me.”
More than once, you’ve mentioned how our souls were intertwined and how I was the only woman for you. You closed up the letter stating that we would be together forever, because it was finally our time.
We experienced so much in our years, I felt the exact same for you. I still felt the same, long after you did.
We were best friends.
This letter of yours or something similar would normally knock me back down. Force me to fight through tears, beat up what you called my “beautiful soul” until it was black and blue. I would spiral and question my worth and looks. I would start questioning everything, even the ones who still love me. I would turn on myself.
But this moment, while flipping through our history, on ugly yellow paper – I felt nothing.
I did not shed a year, my chest didn’t tighten up and I did not turn on myself.
While I am not the same person, pain can do some amazing and strange things to a person. I can finally say, I think I’m over you.
I recently asked my psychiatrist “how long would it take for you to leave my thoughts completely.”
She said, there is no exact timeframe of course.
But I think while you may linger here and there like that yellow paper, I am at peace with it.
Your words that I once lived for, have now faded. Our twelve years in each other’s lives are now put behind me.
For once, I can without a doubt – without any regret or worry…
I’m glad things changed.
You are not worthy of me. Your beauty was a lie and I wish you all the best.