Hello my good people ♥️
Oh, where to start…
If I am going to be honest, I have been struggling. Surprisingly, this is not focused on my impending doom of turning 29 (for once 😘). No, it has been towards men or the relationship or situation-ship <– because that is sadly a thing these days. Regardless, I am talking about the man that was (?) in my life, Caterpillar. He has not talked to me since the 15th and at this point, I am shocked? Speechless? Definitely hurt… and still working out the rest of the feelings associated with this change.
But what really gets me was the events leading up to this…explosion that led to said breakup and or ghosting if you will, because that is what it is really starting to fucking feel like.
Let me set the day for you:
Picture starting your Saturday morning from the one with the one little heart emojis next to their name (insert girly eeeeek here) asking to hang out and to please bring coffee, because someone had a few too many during his open house at the new studio…ahem. Being the fabulous person that I am and lover of coffee myself, I threw myself together and off I went. Score one for me, right? How nice!?
I zoomed through the country side and acquired the coffee goods and some greasy food for the dear, fragile hungover man in my life. Step one, complete now to finish the drive to Caterpillar’s apartment.
So, I arrive…a spring in my step, warm coffee, food and obviously all the love that you can cram inside a 5’2″ gal. We sip and relax while he recovers, ah what a morning. Netflix, coffee and beside your other half.
Side note: You see, I love taking care of people, it is what keeps me grounded and well, all I have known. I am the care taker and I take that role seriously….especially when I care for someone…even more so when I cracked open my soul and gave this boy my heart after Fuckboy. To me, Caterpillar is special. He gets my mental illness, mainly because he has one too – which… you know also has some negatives but at the end of the day, he got it. He made me feel again, not only in a loving way but in general. Things that I never thought I could feel in my days or at least this quickly, he was honest? He was always there for me? He embraced and cared for me, exactly the way I was. Like wtf was this shit?! It was scary, but I am told that I was strong for even opening back up to someone again.
Fuckboy did a number on me.
Side note continued: Fuckboy whom I could call by his basic ass name… Brandon because you know I am a grown adult who should not resort to such name calling, especially a year later buuuuuuttt… fuck it. Fuck him. Fuck everything about him. Now, I know I should just trust in karma, because that man has something serious coming to him, but I ran out of patience. I am sure it will still be sweet victory when it does happen, but until then, I will remain petty and still refer to him as Fuckboy. I am sure someday, I will spend some more time further explaining that train wreck, but for times sake and we are focusing elsewhere at the moment, essentially Fuckboy bolted…after all wedding deposits were made, after the guest list was revised for the 100th time already, with no explanation. He literally woke up one Sunday and said he wanted to call off the wedding and take a step back for a little bit. So he packed a little bag that I assisted with, claiming he was depressed (news to me considering he did not give a damn about my mental care…), so I encouraged him to continue to get the help he needed, which he did set a dr appt yadda yadda…. but then he tried like hell to avoid me after. To a point that I had to force this man that I have known for 12 years, together for 6 to meet me face to face on how to handle the upcoming holidays, home and what not. I demanded the respect I deserved and if he did not want to be with me, he needed to tell me and to my face, like anyone that I called my best friend for years SHOULD do. It turns out, he did not love me. He had not for a long time. Oh and that ring? Something that should be a promise to fight and take on the world together?? Also lie. “It just seemed like the right thing to do.” This conversation happened in a Kroger parking lot btw, because you know…that is clearly the proper environment to have your heart ripped out and danced on. I had to clean up everything after I digested the news. Literally everything, without much of an explanation as to why this was happening to me. As you could imagine, after 6 years together and essentially being abandoned, I had a few trust issues pop up like daisies.
Okay! Now that you have a little more backstory, Caterpillar was the first man that I dated that I felt that I could truly trust and that…..was fucking huge. It still is… SO with all of this being said, lets venture on! The thing about Caterpillar is, when he gets upset, he reacts. I am the complete opposite, I sit on the shit that is bothering me, typically make a list of pros and cons, take a nice long nap (or take in a good night’s sleep) and decide the following morning or few days later if this was something that needs attention or was I just having a bad day or being overly sensitive for whatever reason. As a self aware woman, I have no issue with admitting that women, or maybe just me can have the tendency to over react. I own it, I am human after all. However, he… flies off the handle but hey – they say balance is key…. right?!
So back to the scene: We were now post coffee, relaxed and ready to take on the world…at like 2PM. Apparently, he scheduled a busy day and that hangover took a littttttle longer than normal to recover from and we were now running behind on a few errands that we wanted to run before he had a job to do.
Then I forgot my phone….oops. We had to backtrack, to me I laugh at these things because the people that really know me, they know that I am a little all over the place. I could be tearing apart my purse looking for my phone that was sitting in front of me the whole time…so we go back to the apartment to get said phone since we were parting for the rest of the day soon. Phone acquired! No off to the studio to get his camera and things required to get him through the day. While he was gathering, I was awkwardly standing around. To busy myself, I spotted one of his portfolios and started flipping aimlessly. Smiling, happy that this person that I care about is slowly making his way in something that he loves, flip flip.
Then my little eyes saw something that I never thought I would see…ever.
A close up photo of his ex, front and center…well on the first page. I have never seen this photo before, it looked new and I thought he hated her. As you could imagine, I was a bit caught off guard because from what I understood, he blocked her out of his life/phone/social media etc, typical crazy ex story nonsense, created a lot of drama yadda yadda and could not stand her. Soooo, what happened? Did I miss something?
I want it to be said that I am the most calm person in these situations, despite my raging generalized anxiety disorder. Outside of my ridiculous lack of poker face. He must have noticed my furrowed eyebrows or what I thought was controlled concern face and asked me “what?” So I did what any cool, calm, collected significant other -ish for the past 7 months would do – held up the photo, pointed to said ex’s face and just simply said her name in a questioning manner. I was not angry, I was not crazy by any means, I was just seriously confused. Isn’t this the woman I hear all these negative things about? As in terms of exes, she is like the worst? So he rolled his eyes at me and said that he “does not always have to like the subject of the photo or art, but I do like the elements of it.”
Okay, I can get that. I support him and his art 100% and would not have any issue with it staying in there because he needs to build a client list for the love of God and I want nothing more than him to get all the business he can. I have to admit, it was a lovely photo and one of his better ones, I just do not understand why that could have been said….not what happen next.
Since we were running late, one of Caterpillars (many) annoyances and that I maaaaay have contributed to that because of my forgetfulness. He was already peeved. Apparently asking about the Jezebel in the photo was enough for him to pushed right over the edge of common courtesy, because he now he was reallly irritated. He was almost done packing at this point and decided that he no longer wanted my company. “You know what, I will walk to the park, you can leave” in a huffy puffy manner.
So, as we walk to the exit and to my noble steed for his jacket, I simply state, I am not sure why you are so upset but you have to understand this is a surprise to me, as I did not think you were speaking to her again? The death stare that I got could have resulted in me bursting into flames. “You realize that photo is like a year old right?” So I say what any normal person in this situation would say, “how would I know that?” All you had to say was: it is an older photo but I think it highlights my skill set….or some shit. Hell ANYTHING would be better than just pushing your gal aside and her feelings, but that is what he did. I asked if he still wanted me to grab a prop for him regarding his shoot later in the day and all I got was a pissy no as he walked back to his building.
I sighed, shaking my head and thinking, what the hell just happened? I asked a simple question, one that I feel most current significant others would do and I just got kicked to the curb? Which is literally what happened later.
I decided that I wanted to do a little spoiling of myself because of what the hell just happened and plus, I never spoil myself. It is always everyone else. So I took my ass to best buy to buy me a camera *dances*. However before going into the store, I wanted to shoot the angry Caterpillar a text recapping that I was not crazy nor did I act crazy, I merely asked a question because….I am human. I have been hurt, I have been treated very poorly, I am a woman with the occasional mental issue flare up.
I apologized, because that is what you do when you care about people and want to get past things.
I apologized that we ran into traffic, that we had to go back for my phone, that things were not going as nicely as we planned, that I asked about the photo and that it upset him. I did not say, that most of this could have been avoided had he not drank too much the night before and if he had just simply explained why the “hated” woman was included in his portfolio…that looked like it was just done, not older btw. I am not that naive. I also did not say that, fuck you – I deserve the same level of respect that I give you, but I wanted to. BUT at the end of the day, it did not matter to me that it was there, that no photos of me were anywhere to be honest, it was like I did not even exist on a certain level but it has always been that way and I assumed that it was because he wanted to keep that aspect of his life separated from the business side – which I was fine with. What matters to me is that he is honest, loyal and cared about me at the end of the day. That I was the one he called to whenever he needed something, that he let me love him.
All I needed was…. a little tenderness.
As I mentioned, I am human. I thought for sure apologizing even for things out of my control would help this fueled fire but it did not. I asked for his understanding along with the apologies, as I assumed this was just one of those snowballed situations that happened from time to time and would blow over even with the response that I received below:
- Angry Caterpillar: You will take any conclusion and make it into a thing. I’ll txt you later so you can come pickup your stuff. I told you before I’ll never allow anyone to not only make me feel like shit about my art or make me shitty about anything. Regardless of who it was. That’s the same shit she did and I am shutting it down. This is over. Through and through.
- Me: I didn’t say anything
- Angry Caterpillar: No, I’m not doing this. It’s done. I’m over it.
But, I have been wrong before and this seems to be one of those cases. I did not hear from him that evening as he mentioned. I assumed it was was because he realized this was silly? But that debacle was a week and a half ago…so, there is that.
So here I am. Just taking it all in and realizing that perhaps I was never really that important to him as he said. Or maybe some people just give up too easily. OR maybe my Snorlax was just that bad 😉. It is a lot to take in and try to accept but I’m going to try.
So friends, I leave you with this: I encourage you all to be open with another and take care of eachother as well ♥️. I guess for me, I need to figure out my next steps.