Try a little tenderness…

Hello my good people ♥️

Oh, where to start…

If I am going to be honest, I have been struggling.  Surprisingly, this is not focused on my impending doom of turning 29 (for once 😘).  No, it has been towards men or the relationship or situation-ship <– because that is sadly a thing these days.  Regardless, I am talking about the man that was (?) in my life, Caterpillar. He has not talked to me since the 15th and at this point, I am shocked? Speechless? Definitely hurt… and still working out the rest of the feelings associated with this change.

But what really gets me was the events leading up to this…explosion that led to said breakup and or ghosting if you will, because that is what it is really starting to fucking feel like.

Let me set the day for you:

Picture starting your Saturday morning from the one with the one little heart emojis next to their name (insert girly eeeeek here) asking to hang out and to please bring coffee, because someone had a few too many during his open house at the new studio…ahem. Being the fabulous person that I am and lover of coffee myself, I threw myself together and off I went. Score one for me, right? How nice!?

I zoomed through the country side and acquired the coffee goods and some greasy food for the dear, fragile hungover man in my life. Step one, complete now to finish the drive to Caterpillar’s apartment.

So, I arrive…a spring in my step, warm coffee, food and obviously all the love that you can cram inside a 5’2″ gal. We sip and relax while he recovers, ah what a morning. Netflix, coffee and beside your other half.

Side note: You see, I love taking care of people, it is what keeps me grounded and well, all I have known. I am the care taker and I take that role seriously….especially when I care for someone…even more so when I cracked open my soul and gave this boy my heart after Fuckboy. To me, Caterpillar is special. He gets my mental illness, mainly because he has one too – which… you know also has some negatives but at the end of the day,  he got it. He made me feel again, not only in a loving way but in general. Things that I never thought I could feel in my days or at least this quickly, he was honest? He was always there for me? He embraced and cared for me, exactly the way I was. Like wtf was this shit?! It was scary, but I am told that I was strong for even opening back up to someone again.

Fuckboy did a number on me.

Side note continued: Fuckboy whom I could call by his basic ass name… Brandon because you know I am a grown adult who should not resort to such name calling, especially a year later buuuuuuttt… fuck it. Fuck him. Fuck everything about him. Now, I know I should just trust in karma, because that man has something serious coming to him, but I ran out of patience. I am sure it will still be sweet victory when it does happen, but until then, I will remain petty and still refer to him as Fuckboy. I am sure someday, I will spend some more time further explaining that train wreck, but for times sake and we are focusing elsewhere at the moment, essentially Fuckboy bolted…after all wedding deposits were made, after the guest list was revised for the 100th time already, with no explanation. He literally woke up one Sunday and said he wanted to call off the wedding and take a step back for a little bit. So he packed a little bag that I assisted with, claiming he was depressed (news to me considering he did not give a damn about my mental care…), so I encouraged him to continue to get the help he needed, which he did set a dr appt yadda yadda…. but then he tried like hell to avoid me after. To a point that I had to force this man that I have known for 12 years, together for 6 to meet me face to face on how to handle the upcoming holidays, home and what not. I demanded the respect I deserved and if he did not want to be with me, he needed to tell me and to my face, like anyone that I called my best friend for years SHOULD do. It turns out, he did not love me. He had not for a long time. Oh and that ring? Something that should be a promise to fight and take on the world together?? Also lie. “It just seemed like the right thing to do.” This conversation happened in a Kroger parking lot btw, because you know…that is clearly the proper environment to have your heart ripped out and danced on. I had to clean up everything after I digested the news. Literally everything, without much of an explanation as to why this was happening to me. As you could imagine, after 6 years together and essentially being abandoned, I had a few trust issues pop up like daisies.

Image result for mushu popped up like daisies
^ the Hun is my trust issues in picture form 🙂 Thank you Disney for this fabulous movie Mulan, which resulted in this meme.

Okay! Now that you have a little more backstory, Caterpillar was the first man that I dated that I felt that I could truly trust and that…..was fucking huge. It still is… SO with all of this being said, lets venture on! The thing about Caterpillar is, when he gets upset, he reacts. I am the complete opposite, I sit on the shit that is bothering me, typically make a list of pros and cons, take a nice long nap (or  take in a good night’s sleep) and decide the following morning or few days later  if this was something that needs attention or was I just having a bad day or being overly sensitive for whatever reason. As a self aware woman, I have no issue with admitting that women, or maybe just me can have the tendency to over react. I own it, I am human after all. However, he… flies off the handle but hey – they say balance is key…. right?!

So back to the scene: We were now post coffee, relaxed and ready to take on the world…at like 2PM. Apparently, he scheduled a busy day and that hangover took a littttttle longer than normal to recover from and we were now running behind on a few errands that we wanted to run before he had a job to do.

Then I forgot my phone….oops. We had to backtrack, to me I laugh at these things because the people that really know me, they know that I am a little all over the place. I could be tearing apart my purse looking for my phone that was sitting in front of me the whole time…so we go back to the apartment to get said phone since we were parting for the rest of the day soon. Phone acquired! No off to the studio to get his camera and things required to get him through the day. While he was gathering, I was awkwardly standing around. To busy myself, I spotted one of his portfolios and started flipping aimlessly. Smiling, happy that this person that I care about is slowly making his way in something that he loves, flip flip.

Then my little eyes saw something that I never thought I would see…ever.

A close up photo of his ex, front and center…well on the first page. I have never seen this photo before, it looked new and I thought he hated her. As you could imagine, I was a bit caught off guard because from what I understood, he blocked her out of his life/phone/social media etc, typical crazy ex story nonsense, created a lot of drama yadda yadda and could not stand her. Soooo, what happened? Did I miss something?

I want it to be said that I am the most calm person in these situations, despite my raging generalized anxiety disorder. Outside of my ridiculous lack of poker face. He must have noticed my furrowed eyebrows or what I thought was controlled concern face and asked me “what?” So I did what any cool, calm, collected significant other -ish for the past 7 months would do – held up the photo, pointed to said ex’s face and just simply said her name in a questioning manner. I was not angry, I was not crazy by any means, I was just seriously confused. Isn’t this the woman I hear all these negative things about? As in terms of exes, she is like the worst? So he rolled his eyes at me and said that he “does not always have to like the subject of the photo or art, but I do like the elements of it.”

Okay, I can get that. I support him and his art 100% and would not have any issue with it staying in there because he needs to build a client list for the love of God and I want nothing more than him to get all the business he can. I have to admit, it was a lovely photo and one of his better ones, I just do not understand why that could have been said….not what happen next.

Since we were running late, one of Caterpillars (many) annoyances and that I maaaaay have contributed to that because of my forgetfulness. He was already peeved. Apparently asking about the Jezebel in the photo was enough for him to pushed right over the edge of common courtesy, because he now he was reallly irritated. He was almost done packing at this point and decided that he no longer wanted my company. “You know what, I will walk to the park, you can leave” in a huffy puffy manner.

Okay…

So, as we walk to the exit and to my noble steed for his jacket, I simply state, I am not sure why you are so upset but you have to understand this is a surprise to me, as I did not think you were speaking to her again? The death stare that I got could have resulted in me bursting into flames. “You realize that photo is like a year old right?” So I say what any normal person in this situation would say, “how would I know that?” All you had to say was: it is an older photo but I think it highlights my skill set….or some shit. Hell ANYTHING would be better than just pushing your gal aside and her feelings, but that is what he did. I asked if he still wanted me to grab a prop for him regarding his shoot later in the day and all I got was a pissy no as he walked back to his building.

I sighed, shaking my head and thinking, what the hell just happened? I asked a simple question, one that I feel most current significant others would do and I just got kicked to the curb? Which is literally what happened later.

I decided that I wanted to do a little spoiling of myself because of what the hell just happened and plus, I never spoil myself. It is always everyone else. So I took my ass to best buy to buy me a camera *dances*. However before going into the store, I wanted to shoot the angry Caterpillar a text recapping that I was not crazy nor did I act crazy, I merely asked a question because….I am human. I have been hurt, I have been treated very poorly, I am a woman with the occasional mental issue flare up.

I apologized, because that is what you do when you care about people and want to get past things.

I apologized that we ran into traffic, that we had to go back for my phone, that things were not going as nicely as we planned, that I asked about the photo and that it upset him. I did not say, that most of this could have been avoided had he not drank too much the night before and if he had just simply explained why the “hated” woman was included in his portfolio…that looked like it was just done, not older btw. I am not that naive. I also did not say that, fuck you – I deserve the same level of respect that I give you, but I wanted to. BUT at the end of the day, it did not matter to me that it was there, that no photos of me were anywhere to be honest, it was like I did not even exist on a certain level but it has always been that way and I assumed that it was because he wanted to keep that aspect of his life separated from the business side – which I was fine with. What matters to me is that he is honest, loyal and cared about me at the end of the day. That I was the one he called to whenever he needed something, that he let me love him.

All I needed was…. a little tenderness.

As I mentioned, I am human. I thought for sure apologizing even for things out of my control would help this fueled fire but it did not.  I asked for his understanding along with the apologies, as I assumed this was just one of those snowballed situations that happened from time to time and would blow over even with the response that I received below:

  • Angry Caterpillar: You will take any conclusion and make it into a thing. I’ll txt you later so you can come pickup your stuff. I told you before I’ll never allow anyone to not only make me feel like shit about my art or make me shitty about anything. Regardless of who it was. That’s the same shit she did and I am shutting it down. This is over. Through and through.
  • Me: I didn’t say anything
  • Angry Caterpillar: No, I’m not doing this. It’s done. I’m over it.

But, I have been wrong before and this seems to be one of those cases. I did not hear from him that evening as he mentioned. I assumed it was was because  he realized this was silly? But that debacle was a week and a half ago…so, there is that.

So here I am. Just taking it all in and realizing that perhaps I was never really that important to him as he said.  Or maybe some people just give up too easily. OR maybe my Snorlax was just that bad 😉. It is a lot to take in and try to accept but I’m going to try. 

So friends, I leave you with  this: I encourage you all to be open with another and take care of eachother as well ♥️. I guess for me, I need to figure out my next steps. 

End scene. 

Xoxo,

16 Comments Add yours

  1. bexoxo says:

    Oh no! This sounds horrible and confusing. It sounds like he, just like you, have been hurt before, and that you may have found a trigger of his. My only suggestion would be to give him time, and then try to reach out if you are unable to move on. If anything, it sounds like there wasn’t a whole lot of closure which may haunt you later down the line. Hang in there sweetie.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. madkatter13 says:

      Hi love! Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to read my post!

      Confusing is probably the best way to describe this mess! Your comment did give me a new perspective and I think you are right. I knew he was hurt, but perhaps I did not see the association here? If that makes sense? The hurt and pain he had, I can understand but I feel a little conversation would clear this up? So I will continue to give him some more time and hope for the best?

      Thank you again so much for your support and kind words <3. I guess we will see and I will keep you updated if you like!

      I hope you have a great day and hope to chat again soon! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Natalie Vinh says:

    Wow, Katrina, I’m so sorry to hear this! I honestly don’t even know what to say. I hope that things resolve soon for you and that you find happiness, whoever it may be with.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. madkatter13 says:

      Thank you lovely ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Buffy Devane says:

    I’m so sorry Katrina; but firstly you were treated abominably (I’d like to put that in bold, but can’t) all those years back — and while it’s harder to comment on this Caterpillar chap, I think you’re being treated unfairly now, too: you deserve proper human communication from him, and as someone who’s suffered from the silent treatment in a big way, I can very much feel that frustration and confusion.

    I wish I could offer some proper wisdom! I suppose all I can say is, just continue to be your kind and open self — and that’s all you can do, for now. You’re acting like an emotionally healthy adult, and that’s all that can be asked of you. 🙂

    Sorry for the waffle… I’m having a verbose day, methinks…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. madkatter13 says:

      Thank you Buffy ❤ you have such a beautiful soul and I truly appreciate your kind words and sharing a little about your experience as well. The silent treatment, is just the worst in my opinion – ugh.

      Thank you again and I hope you had a good weekend! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Buffy Devane says:

        Aww thank you Katrina; and you’re most welcome… it can be good to share, because most of us have been there, I think, not he receiving end of rubbish treatment that we don’t deserve. Haha it’s been a far too full long weekend for me so am happy to get settled into the routine of the week!
        Glad you had a good birthday, from reading your latest post… best foot forward! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. madkatter13 says:

        ☺️ I wish you the best week with some relaxation as well!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey Kat!

    My goodness! I really am sorry to hear about this, it’s horrible that all of this negativity happened to you. I Honestly believed the last post was just a scenario to choose your answer to, had no idea it was related to what happened to you.

    Firstly I hope your feeling alright, I’d hate to see someone like you feel so hurt. Secondly I’m glad you got this off your chest. Even if I am some stranger over the internet to you, it’s better to at least talk with someone rather than bottle up all those emotions. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your heart broken, still single till this day (maybe it’s because I’m just an independent woman :3). But I do know the feeling of being unwanted, to be pushed away for silly reasons, and it sucks.

    I will tell you this thou, if this is the ways he’s been treating over the course of your relationship, then be happy its over. Yes I said it. You have every right to feel sad and get those emotions out, its good for you! Once you feel okay, just be happy. You escaped a toxic relationship, and now your free. You have the ability to do things you couldn’t do before, and remember that your faithful followers are here to support you along the way😊

    If he can’t see how special of of person you are, he doesn’t deserve you. Be proud of the things you did for him, even when you two were fighting you were still willing to provide him the help to gather a prop for his shoot. You even provided him support when he decided to turn down the wedding for his health, you cared for him even when he didn’t care for you. That my good friend, is being the better half of the relationship.

    So out of all this rambling you still are a very sweet person, who just so happened to be with the wrong person who didn’t deserve the love, respect, and kindness from you. I hope you didn’t mind how lengthy this response was, but I’m just hoping to boost your confidence back up and make you feel a little better. I also showed this to a couple of my good friends, they were cheering and clapping for you during the whole fuckboy part. Good for you for standing up for yourself, shows that you have feelings too!

    Anyways long rant over, hope this helped you feel better. As always can’t wait to hear what you have in store for everyone next! 😊❤️😊

    Lots of love, Emma xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. madkatter13 says:

      Hi Emma! Sorry I am just now getting back to you, I did read your comment right away.

      Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on that blog, it means a lot. I appreciate all your support and advice, I found it very comforting!! *insert ugly cry here* lol.

      Also….SOOO glad you and your friends could get a chuckle out of the Fuckboy part! I was a bit leery of putting it out there and dropping the F bomb like a maniac LOL! That also brought me happiness.

      Thank you so much girl, you really did boost my confidence. I hope you had a good weekend and I hope to chat again soon!!!! <3<3

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I know this response is a little late, but I figured when it comes to these things, a few days don’t remove the pain, so I can still comment. This sucks. It sucks to be blind-sided. It sucks to not have a thorough explanation. It sucks to suddenly lose something or someone out of the blue. I can’t imagine the pain you must be experiencing. I had to sit and just be quiet to try and grasp what it must feel like. The fact that you typed up this post is something to admire.

    I’m not sure what I can say to comfort you. Although he seems to be a fly off the handle type, he obviously had some pent up issues that he wasn’t addressing. It sad that he isn’t doing it now. As someone else mentioned, maybe he’ll come around to it in time. Either way, this is not a humane way to deal with someone that you care about. I think his issues go deeper than a photo and you mentioning it. I don’t think he’ll meet any self-respecting person who wouldn’t at least inquire. I don’t know him, so I can’t speak absolutely, but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for many years, and one of the things he took advantage of was my strong desire to move past things. He’d use that to get away with all types of behavior. So please be careful if he does come back around to not just accept anything because you’re glad to have him back. This extreme reaction may be a tactic to frighten you into future silence; to set you on edge in the future.

    If he doesn’t sit down with you to explain the reasons for his sudden exit, then he is emotionally immature and that is not a fun thing to deal with. You need a person who’s willing to put forth the effort of making a relationship work. I hope that you can get some answers. Try and do some other nice things for yourself. Go see a movie. Get your nails done. Go on a solo hike maybe? I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. My heart goes out to you and a big hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. madkatter13 says:

      I cannot thank you enough for your comment – it was perfectly timed as it was exactly what I needed to hear and at that moment. You brought up a lot of points and I think you are right about them. Yes, his issues have to go deeper than a photo – for sure right!?
      Additionally, thank you for mentioning that any self-respecting person would inquire. Sometimes I wonder if I over-react or you know – we all have those bad days and react differently than what we normally would, if that makes sense.
      You are so strong for sharing your story as well, I am so sorry that you were in an emotionally abusive relationship and for a while it seems. You have such a good heart from what I see and it is a shame that someone would take advantage of that.
      I did hear from him but I am still working through that and not sure what my feelings are at the moment but I will share when I am able to actually put everything in words lol! I feel like my brain can be a mess at times and voicing my thoughts is usually a hard thing for me .
      Thank you again love, I truly appreciate your comment and I look forward to chatting with you more! ❤ Did you have a good weekend?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad to hear that it could have helped you in any way possible. You’ve got a lot of strength in you. Don’t forget! My weekend was super freaking productive. I spent it throwing things away and rearranging my room and painting. I love the feel of walking into an old room that feels new somehow. Needless to say, I’m exhausted, but still have more to do.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. madkatter13 says:

        Oh! That is one of the best feelings – clean, rearranged and fresh room! Well done on your hard work! I have to do some of that myself… Maybe this weekend lol #procrastination

        Liked by 1 person

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