Apparently it is Wednesday!?

Hello my friends!

I hope your week is treating you well :). I have been in a bit of a funk and hiding away,sorry all.  Empathy takes over my soul in larger forms at times and it has been one of those times.

My current mood

There is just so much negativity &/or violence in this world. Every news alert that pops up on my ever connected phone, just depresses me at this point. Can America get its shit together – please? Of course it is all over, across the seas too and my heart goes out to them as well. So… how about this… WORLD CAN WE GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER!?

I guess a lot has been buzzing through my mind. I have been thinking of how the future of the US will turn out… I am mildly concerned. There was struggle before but now…ugh. 

It just makes my head spin. I had a list of my thoughts and feelings on some matters, but I erased them. When I drop that post, I want it to be in a clear state of mind :).

Anyway! So, outside of some “blahs” of mine, there has been some good and I need to focus on that. So here is a list of happier things from the past week+!

  • I bought a couple hibiscus trees for my garden and I love them. The colors are just so beautiful and bring me joy when I am out in my yard with the pups or laying in my hammock 🌺.
  • PRIDE weekend just finished up, there was a lot of love in Columbus which is a beautiful thing.
  • I trimmed up Barley my middle fur-child as he had RAGING fluff pantaloons (much worse the Syd). However, apparently someone is shy and kept sitting down when I tried to shave up his legs and bum. Which as you could imagine, left him with uneven fluff cheeks. That is right….eventually I accepted the defeat and just let it go. A woman can only fight their pupper so long, in the heat, face to dog butt – trying to even out cheeks. Pretty image eh!? Haha so there is that…ahem.  #bestdogmomaward goes to me
  • My blog reached 1337 likes – which is super exciting! Since I have been kind of slacking, I was happy to receive any award at this point. Slow progression is still something to be proud of! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! 😭
  • I successfully dodged the Foul Fowl (turkey) again and came out alive when I visited my father. Additional note… he now has a baby turkey too, so I really don’t know what I will do when that one grows up. Sorry Dad…I JUST CAN’T.
  • Summer is officially here!😎☀️
  • I started up a vitamin regiment and have been sticking to it. This may seem small and silly for most, but it is huge for me. I am terrible at taking pills besides my antidepressants and birth control. However, I am trying to take better care of myself.

I think that is about it for me. I will be posting my weekly photo challenge later as well!

How are you all doing!? Thank you for always supporting me and sending love my way! ❤

xoxo,

Paws with a chance of breeze…

Hello & happy Wednesday friends!

I hope you all are having a good week so far :). I am currently sipping tea to help fight of raging post nasal drip and fight this sore throat from it. #kermitstyle

I wanted to share my Tuesday morning, as it was one of my more challenging mornings and perhaps you will get a laugh :).

So yesterday morning, I woke up to the sound of whiny dogs that needed to go outside. Since I have border collie mixes (all about that herd and/or chase life), I like to peek outside before letting them out – just in case they are inspired by a fellow dog, squirrel or cat. So while I popped my bed head, blurry eyed head outside, deemed the coast as clear – I released the hounds!

It turns out, my sleepy eyes deceived me.

There happened to be a strolling cat across the street, Barley and Sydney decided they wanted to play chase….turns out kitty was not about it. All I saw was paws. Dog paws, cat paws & my paws! Yes, my ill mannered dogs took off across the street to the bad “run-into-your-car-and-not-tell-you” neighbors, chasing poor kitty. Mind you, it is 6:10A, I am rocking bed head, plaid pj pants, no shoes (which became an issue) and glasses – yelling at these fools and start to jaunt towards them…barefoot.

For all the years of “living in the sticks” you would think that I would have more durable feet. I cannot walk on gravel to save my life. I just can’t, I am sure it is an equivalent of watching someone walk on coal & with less grace. My swift feet did not muster up the strength to take on running across the horrid, jagged little spikes (gravel) so I had to run back inside to grab some slip-ons and TRY to run after these ANIMALS.

It was waaayyy too early for this shit. I had not even had coffee 😒.

With my foot protectors on (sexy black clogs), I made sure Ana was safe – at least the blind dog is good! Then I started my mission (take two)….then it happened. First stride out, I felt a cool breeze by my lady parts but I did not think much about it, it was still pretty early and cool and I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO THINK! 

MUST. SAVE. DOGS. 

also, the cat & of course scold the pups for running off, they could have been hurt!

I rally the hounds by their collars and with my “mom” voice. With a dog in each hand, safely crossing the street, my pj pants which also had a loose elastic band was half falling down slowly and not to mention, I found the source of the artic draft by my nether regions…. I SPLIT my effing pants. Sorry neighbors…all aboard the hot mess express…🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s right ladies and gents, I split my pants before 6:25A and that is a new record for me. Also, a sign of how the day was going to go. Yes, there it was – high thigh, straight down to my knee, split and flapping about.

How!?

I guess that is what I get for trying to be athletic. Note to self, sleep with running shoes on and stretchy pants to allow for movement. I am sure the pups were snickering under their “sad puppy dog face” Uh huh, they knew they were in trouble and also realizing their mother is a mess. I think this calls for a repeat image:

Anyway, since most of my action occurred before even getting dressed, the rest of the day was pretty low key. Work came and went with ease, I dodged the down pour while I waited for the bus and ate cocoa puffs for dinner…2 bowls….like a true adult. I also think I was in bed by 10:30P so there is that too.

I think that is about it for today, sorry for the short post.

Do you have any fun dog stories!? I would love to hear them 🙂


Talk again soon! ❤

Mental Health Awareness Month!

Hello friends & happy Wednesday! ❤

As most of you probably know, May is Mental Health Awareness month! YAY! This is super huge for me since I have been struggling for many years.

The last year and a half was a big slump for me in regards to recovery in adulthood. My fellow mental health warriors, you may experience this too – but it comes in waves. Some days/months/year(s) go by with little to no symptoms and other times it feels like a brick hit you in the face (or treats to a puppers face) and you feel ALL THE THINGS!

So, in honor of this beautiful month – I wanted to share a summary of my history with mental illness and what I am doing this year to honor it – since I am a bit stronger than last year!


The History: My “relationship” with mental illness probably started when I was in my later years of middle school. I do not remember the exact age anymore as it’s all a little blurry at this point in my life. I do recall the feeling of overwhelming sadness, numbness, anxiety and losing my will to live. Which, is scary thought to have that young.

I remember looking for ways to “feel” again. At that point, it had consumed me and had been for a while. I danced sharp objects along my skin, the burning, the color and feeling was the only feeling that came alive. Glowing red metal rods laid across my skin and pills by masses to try to get away from it all. I also remember driving and being tempted to just close my eyes.

My life, even in my younger years came with its complications. I had mentioned some of it in my “How the hell did I end up this way” post. There is always more to every story but I like to keep things going, I did and will hit all the highlights?? <– I need to find a better word here!

Depression is an evil bitch

Fast forward through the long dark days…There came a time when I snapped to and realized I had to get help. At the rate I was going, I think my story would have ended quickly. So, for whatever reason – inner strength took over my darkness for long enough to gain to courage to speak to my mother. Which…why I chose her to open up to at this moment, I will never know but I did. This was the woman who scrutinized my appearance regularly and informed me that I looked fat several times through out my life. You see, she has always been petite and we have been close in weight for as long as I can remember, so god forbid if I started to look like I as growing out of that mold.

Anyway, informing my mother that I no longer wanted to live and that I needed to go to the doctor was one of the hardest things that I had to do. She seemed to care and then handled it poorly afterward. I remember bits and pieces of going to my doctor, completing tests and having that hard discussion with her. I was put on antidepressants and agreed to counseling. I have never felt so lost and scared in my life.

Counseling was strange for me. I did not care for my therapist or her dated orange and brown decor through out her office. I think part of it was because my mother was in the room with me majority of the time, which she took over the conversations and reminded the woman that I was “fine.” She just did not get it.

She further proved that she did not get it by providing a less than supportive relationship. Which, is still true to this day. Versus actually talking to me, it was like I was living with a prison guard with strip searches to see make sure there were no fresh wounds. Which I can understand, but I feel there are better ways to go about it  – rather than throwing demands around and talking down to your child during these searches. She just looked at me as if she hated me, or perhaps she felt that she had failed on some level and it bothered it and came pouring out of her eyes. She already had a troubled child, so I don’t think she had room for me to struggle too… I suppose I can sympathize with that now?

Further more, my new medication made me feel nauseous – as many others you have taken these kind of meds, they can be rough until your body gets used to them. So now, since I could not eat without wanting to vomit, my mother viewed it as now an “eating disorder.” She would force me to clean my plate even if I told her if I ate one more bite, I will probably get sick. Which happened numerous times because when you have a level of anxiety – you already feel that way. Throw in some anti-depressants and you know what? You just don’t have the best appetite and that is okay, you are adjusting. When I did get sick, she would yell and say see – I told you. “I knew you were throwing up after eating!” No, actually I did not have an eating disorder at the time…but thanks Mom. That did happen, just in my adult years.

I managed to stick to my therapy and medication and I did start to feel better. More alive and a bit more happier.  It took some time and some dosage adjustments but I got to a point of no longer wanting to harm myself and wanting to be able to walk this fine earth as a young person should. I am not sure exactly how long it took as I am getting old these days 😉 but the important part was I made it. It was not easy, reflecting on this point in my life – I believe there were a lot of factors that played into this outside of genes (they were stacked against me too). I am also sure that it took a significant amount of time of general sadness to get to my breaking point as well.

Anxiety and insomnia still was an issue from time to time. It really kicked up again around 18 – probably with adulthood, college and who knows what else. Luckily my college therapist was helpful in providing techniques to help me cope with panic attacks. I started back on my meds and tried to really focus on self care at this time. To be honest though, I have been dealing with anxiety ever since…in those waves that I was speaking of :).

Self image became an issue in my early adult years. I have always been told that I was “small, tiny, petite, anorexic, bulimic, had nothing to worry about and weird/tomboy.” I still remember this time in class when a man asked me if I ever ate without throwing it back up…. thanks fella. Reallly nice.

However, it did become an issue eventually. I was in a bad relationship with someone who made me feel less than. To put it simply, he was physically and verbally abusive and beat my confidence and self worth down. It resulted in me weighing roughly 75-80 lbs in my adulthood. Granted even when I was younger…I believe now, I can call it social anxiety?? But I had a fear of eating in front of people. The cafeteria in school was my nemesis. All the kids. All the food. Perhaps there is some sort of eating disorder theory in there as well??? Lord who knows – I am a mess haha.

When I finally got out of that bad situation, which took time. Planning an exit from someone like this must be done carefully. He obviously did not handle it well and probably would have reacted poorly regardless. Unfortunately, he did end up stalking me, he would show up at the local mall where I would be shopping, or restaurants where I was having dinner with friends and even showed up at my house. Trying to get over that fear while trying to repair myself again – whew. This time, it also meant physically and mentally. Again, I over came and now happily weigh in with triple digits on the scale and have been steadily since 2012-2013ish. While body image is something that I still struggle with after my many surgeries, the important thing to remember is it is progress. I am better than what I was before and that is key.

Mid 2015 is when my anxiety took on a form that I had never encountered before. I had gone through several ups and downs in life regarding my mental health and outside of it but this was different. It was something that I literally could not handle. Feeling anxious and insomnia again was not a stranger to me. I live a life that tailors to these needs – most would probably deem boring but it is my life and I have accepted this.

This was the first time in my life that I would need to check in somewhere for observation. I. LOST. IT. Best part? My breaking point occurred at work. I had to get out immediately, after reaching out to my employee assistance program – I informed my boss in little words as possible that I had to go without worrying her….. but one more issue… I take the bus (which was very hard for me at first too btw)…so I had to step up and take an uber to my car. One, I don’t like not being in control of the vehicle that I am in. If I trust you to drive me – congrats! Second, I don’t do taxis or ubers….the amount of germs, smells and general feeling of out of control does not vibe with me.. third, it was a 35 dollar trip easily. However, it had to be done.

This is where the medical field failed me and I have heard similar stories and it is so heartbreaking to me. I did not feel in control, I could not breathe, I could not function, I literally did not know what happening but all I can say is, I did not feel myself. I was not me, I felt literally insane or that I had “snapped.” I attempted to get into our local psych center…for anything consult, treatment, or whatever. However, they were at capacity and since I was not “that bad” I had to find elsewhere. This was the story for the next 3 calls that I tried. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless, trying to find someone to care when you do not even know how you are going to get home or what may happen to you. I was finally able to get into a physician…. 2 weeks later. How was I able to get manage this? Sadly, this is so common and for some people that 2 week wait has cost their life – no joke. Fortunately, my psychotic break was more controllable? (somehow I managed this…I will never know how) versus severe depression/suicidal. Luckily my boss was understanding enough during this time, my then fiance was….I don’t even know but he was there (at the time). I was able to hang on until my appointment where we had a full work up, got a referral in for a specialist, adjusted my medication and added in more…it was overwhelming but I hung in there the best that I could. I began intense therapy, maintained my strict medication regiment, tried my hand at self care and then my now ex (Fuckboy), abandoned me in December 2015. I guess I should be thankful that I was already medicated at that point. Perhaps he could not face being married to someone with severe anxiety, who knows. The key was, I was trying to take care of myself while planning a wedding with little help. Honestly, I thought I was doing well. I had the “supportive” partner who had been my best friend for years and we had helped another through it all – before and after we were together. Life was on the up and up….until he decided otherwise. Since I was medicated, when he left I always asked people (friends, family & associates) if they saw it coming. The answer was always no – whew so I was NOT crazy :). We even had Friendsgiving where Fuckboy stated he was thankful for me and put on this great speech where he pulled a fast one and even pulled it by my good friend Sunshine- who does not miss a damn thing! Anyway, after I had to handle that mess – I took some serious time off. I had to, granted I am still struggling to this day with building PTO…. it was worth it.

My anxiety/episode recovery has been hard since I did not see that life changing event coming during it. Learning to trust people again, regaining my self worth and learning to live independently has been really fucking hard. However, I have kept up with therapy. I know that leaving someone without reason, leaving all their shit  behind for you to handle, not telling their own family what they did and not forwarding their mail is THEIR problem and not mine. Abandonment is never okay and that is something that I have had to accept and the fact that I will never really know the reason why this happened.

My medication has increased over the past year, I still struggle with insomnia and anxiety but I am stronger than I was a year ago – mentally and physically. I am able to stand on both feet and take on the world the best that I can. Some days are still hard… There are times that I cannot get out of bed for several days, at times my anxiety is so bad that I cannot leave the house and it does impact my day-to-day.

Most do not realize all that is going on behind the scenes in recovery and that is fine – because this is my journey and if they don’t notice – I must be keeping it together…..(right!?) hahaha. I am happy to report that I got through that very dark period aka – all of 2016 without thoughts of suicide and while I have lost some weight, I am still healthy. This has been my healthiest recovery to date and I am quite proud.

I may still be a mess but hey – I have a good heart dammit and worthy of love! Now let’s transition into what I am doing this year since I feel stable, happy and productive during Mental Health Awareness month!

1in5 MH Banner


Present day! May 2017: Since I am someone who has clearly struggled with some shit – it has become my mission to give back to the mental health community in anyway that I can. I have done this by sharing my story with friends, family, here, through sites, beating down the stigma in anyway that I can, looking to become an advocate for local mental health chapters, donations, spreading the word, educating others, remembering to be kind – you never know what people may be fighting inside and by participating and supporting Kenzie Brenna during her self-love boot camp on Instagram- which encourages others with mental health disorders to share their stories through social media (there is a focus on body image but it is helpful for everyone), ensuring others that they are not alone!

You can learn more on the link provided or check her out on Instagram, along with her supporters @omgkenzieee and searching #selflovebootcamp. There is a new topic each day and so many people are opening themselves up to vulnerability – it is beautiful. I am going to push myself to participate every day, but some topics are harder than others as you can see in the calendar below. However, if this will help push me to become a more whole person – why not? Although, I do struggle with vulnerability…my therapist can attest to this :).

MAY_SELF_LOVE_1


FINALLY! If you made it through that entire post – you get a cookie! I know it was long so thank you for listening to my story, ignoring any typos that came out during the flow! Yoda best!

I want to ask all of you to do something for Mental Health Awareness this month too! It is so important to keep bringing awareness! Sometimes individuals cannot make that 2 week waiting period to see a physician – we need to do something about this! So my friends/warriors, wear some green this month or ribbon! Participate in a challenge or walk, start a conversation, be there for a friend, spread some facts on social media, advocate and help influence positive policy reform, volunteer, share YOUR story if you have one and remember to take care of yourself and others!

Love you all xoxo,

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Follow me! IG: @DiaryoftheMadKatter  P: DiaryMadKatter

Crisis? Rant? Regardless 30 is coming quick!

As February is speeding by, I realize that I will be 29 before I know it – April 29th to be exact and for some reason, I am very anxious about it. Because you know, 30 is next and I should totally have my life together… Ahem.

As many of you around my age know and probably experience, social pressures can get to you around this age. The typical (and dare I say painful) questions that fly at your face like damn grenades at family gatherings and even the what was supposed to be a low-key happy hour….usually ends up like this for me:

· Hi, what do you do?

· How old are you?

· Are you single? …I have someone perfect for you!

· Do you have children? No? Do you want them?

· Do you want to get married?

· How is your job going?

The questions do not seem to slow and next thing you know, I am sweating, heart is racing and looking for the nearest exit or contemplating if faking my own death would be less painful at the moment. Which let’s be honest, probably would be a blessing.

 I wish I could say that I am one of those rare people that has all the luck in the world and life just continued perfectly for them…you know the perfect significant other, the nice home, a dog and 2.5 kids….whatever that means, I find it mildly concerning 😊. However, that is just not the case. In fact, I am one of the most cursed people that I know. Life likes to throw me curveballs, or cement bricks at me with a steady pace.

 Simply, I don’t have it together.

 As a younger naïve gal, I thought for sure that I would be in a more stable position at 28, rolling 29. That whole approaching 30 mark, just makes it seem like I am running out of time due to these social pressures that I mentioned. Yes, most people I know are married, have a steady relationship, engaged, children, home, making serious dough and here I am….feeling broken especially with my anxiety hanging on my back like Yoda.

 I have had a broken engagement, been abandoned, cheated on, made a fool and I’m sure been loved in there somewhere too…I hope. I just find it hard to trust at times, as we are all broken at this point in our lives in one way or another, and I also bring to the table some health issues. I mean who would want someone like me!? I am A MESS. I have had several surgeries and officially diagnosed with endometriosis in 2013. Apparently, after my surgery was the time to have children…but that was NOT happening. If I think I do not have it together today, I really did not have it together then.

 I have scars across my belly from 4 surgeries, may have fertility issues and will not know until I try for said children, throw in a some mental issues too and you got yourself a Katrina. Ugh. But while I have had some challenges, I do have a big heart and love hard, so there’s is that?

 Anyway, let me bring back my original point, to those aggressive questioners – which may be family, friends or someone you just met. Chances are, NO we do not want to be set up, we will get there when we feel like it. For me, NO I do not have children yet, but wish and hope I am able to – thanks for bringing that up btw not that I haven’t dreaded that thought since my diagnosis of endometriosis. My Job? Oh well, I get paid so that is nice…I mean it’s a job. I would rather be a beach bum but hey – here I am slaving away to keep my house – that I do have I guess and kibble in the bowls for my pups. Also… of course, I would want to get married but keeping a man has been hard for me for some reason…. now where is the BOOZE! Or at this point, just picture me running away like a mad woman with my 5’2” legs… #strugglebus.

 I don’t think some people realize how personal and uncomfortable those questions can be. Especially if you suffer from an anxiety disorder, depression and or other mental concerns…it all falls back to that lovely quote:

Be kind.
Be kind, even when you are taking life grenades.

As you can probably tell, I have been going through a rough patch and this may just be a product of hurt, but I would love to hear how you handle situations like the above or any advice for a late 20s gal!
Thank you for stopping by and reading! I hope to hear from you!

Xoxo,

Katrina