Do my patchy eyebrows go well with my C-3PO Socks? What about my shoodles? Oh,OK. 

Hello my beautiful people/friends/followers!
I hope you all are doing well and that your week has been treating you kindly. It is almost FRIDAY – woo! It has been a long week, at least it feels like it has been. The sad thing is, I spent most of it sleeping due to my sinus infection and yet it still feels so long….So let’s move on, grab some tea and get caught up eh!?



Addiction & Mental Health Post
– THANK YOU so much for all the kind feedback regarding my post about addiction and mental health. Writing on this topic was a little out of my comfort zone and I felt it was not my best work but the “clicks” and sweet messages were very much appreciated. I hope to keep expanding on this in the future by doing more research and connecting with more of you. Thanks again!

IG #selflovebootcamp challenge with @omgkenzieee – Whew! Let me tell you, this has been kicking my ass to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing the other “bootcampers” grow and share their stories. That is what it is all about right? Getting the word out there, sharing and passing on words of encouragement…which I try to do this with as many as I can. They are just hard topics and to post photos along with them makes it all the more difficult. Talk about vulnerability my friends – ugh! Today’s challenge was the big one that I was waiting for: #scarrednotscared since I have had so many surgeries and it has greatly impacted me in many ways, before them, during the recovery and even after the scars have faded a bit, my body has just been through a lot I suppose. I think I may take a break from the daily posts and catch up when I am feeling more energized, we will see. I am just too tired…zzz. 

Is too much self reflection exhausting to you too??
*On a related note..the positivity that is being spread around due to this camp is amazing though, so please do go check out the hashtags listed in my blurb, they are truly inspiring!!

Blog Life – Guys! I just reached 180 followers! I know this is not a “typical” milestone but I had a bit of a dry spell if you will in regards to new followers. I know that is not really the “point” of my blog and not the real goal but it is exciting to see more people want to follow along and read my posts! So Thank you again friends, I love you all 🙂 



Boss Babe Life
– This has also been kicking my ass but in a good way. There is just so much to learn about marketing in this day (all the social media YIKES), perks and cons of sales. It is all super exciting, I always wanted to be my “own boss” if you will and perhaps that may fully be the case one day… aka: I always wanted to own a coffee shop, oh how I miss it! It would be funky and my own little hole in the wall – ONE DAY. For now, I work the FT job and learn more about business and educating others about something I feel very passionate about on the side. I also booked a vending spot for June – outside of the Hatter Brunch eeeee! I cannot wait to get things going :).

Love Life – What is this even really? Can we just talk about how lucky I am because once I would start dating again…post Fuckboy…everyone is so fucking broken and scared. What ever happened to good ole, sticking by yo’ man and vice versa? I am talking long strolls in nature, ice cream treats and hair blowing perfectly in the wind (hopefully not IN the ice cream – that is not sexy). Not giving up? Actually talking things out? Also, this ghosting thing? Why. WHY IS THIS THE GO TO OPTION NOW? 

WHAT. IS. THIS. SHIT. 

I have seen many posts about this too, even my fellow blogging friends here have mentioned this a time or two. I know we are on a feminist and mental health kick right now world and I can & am behind that too…. But can we really focus on this as well?! I mean…. At this point the population may just decline a bit because people are just giving up! #rantover

Anyway, let me just reeeeel it back in a bit here.  Honestly, things in my “love life” are…okay. By that I mean, I’m focused on so many things right now to even really dwell? <— this may not be exactly what I’m looking for… but I have chatted with Caterpillar here and there. We just have this pull for one another I suppose and that’s about all I’m going to say about that at the moment since I’m still feeling this thing out. Not to worry though my friends who have been “tuned in” to the saga that is Caterpillar & Kat. I have heard you all and I agree with all your advice and love so with that – I have my eyes PEELED, heart guarded and more vocal to Mr. Caterpillar than ever. We both have and it’s been better. 

Now to wrap up my post here – let me explain my blog title…

Some days, I wake up to my work alarm and just say… Fuck it. This happens more days than not anymore lol. But I usually take a makeup bag with me… Just in case I want to feel human and throw some war paint at work. I’m sure my co-workers thank me when I do 😅. But today was NOT one of days. I didn’t do shit today besides barely get dressed. My scarred and patchy eyebrows did not get filled in today (sorry cbus). They long to be full, filled in and fabulous – just not today sorry brows. To top of my level of “not giving a fuck” I proudly slipped my feet into C-3PO socks and then continued to shove my 29 year old feet into a pair of canvas slip-ons that are covered in dog doodles – dubbed Shoodles by Bark & Co. In terms of business casual….I was more casual.  However world, that is what you get when I am down with a sinus infection. As my dear friend Sunshine said today “it would be nice to go a week without getting sick.”

I could not agree more. 


So my friends, that is my little update. How is your week going!? Tell me all about it! 

P.s.- I will be getting to your comments soon! Thanks for hanging in there while I zombie through with this infection ♥️. 

Xoxo 😘,

Follow me down the social rabbit hole: Instagram & Pinterest !

Addiction & Mental Illness

Hello friends!

To continue with the theme of Mental Health Awareness, I wanted to branch a little further and address addiction and substance abuse as well – as it is not uncommon for some to suffer from both, otherwise known as co-occurring disorders.

**Please remember, I am not a physician – just a gal sharing her experiences and providing resources**

It seems like over the past couple years, I have heard more about heroin overdoses than I ever have. It is scary, I have personally known friends who struggle with addiction and it greatly impacts their lives…their families and children. It saddens me greatly to hear about someone I know who cannot seem to stay in treatment despite what they have been blessed with or the support system around them. I am not sure if stigma has something to do with this, or what. My struggle with substances have never been that level of destruction, so if you have any insight on this and why it can be a struggle for the addict, I would love to hear your thoughts or stories!

“Millions of Americans suffer from anxiety disorders, and millions also suffer from substance use disorders. The illnesses can develop independently from one another, or one can cause the other.

Although people with anxiety disorders don’t always develop substance use disorders, or vice versa, research shows strong associations between the two. An estimated 18 percent of all people with substance use disorders have an anxiety disorder.”

– DrugRehab.com

In my own personal experience, the few addicts that I know, do have issues with coping and this is their release. The quick fix if you will, that we have all heard about over the years. We must help encourage change! If you or someone you know is struggling – try to make that first step in assisting them or yourself. There are many helpful resources out there both locally and beyond. For further information or help finding treatment near you, family or friends – please check out the below links:

 

Continue to be strong my friends, not only for you but your loved ones as well!! ❤

xoxo,

62f9bbbb-e173-485a-b715-f617f4b92791-1

Mental Health Awareness Month!

Hello friends & happy Wednesday! ❤

As most of you probably know, May is Mental Health Awareness month! YAY! This is super huge for me since I have been struggling for many years.

The last year and a half was a big slump for me in regards to recovery in adulthood. My fellow mental health warriors, you may experience this too – but it comes in waves. Some days/months/year(s) go by with little to no symptoms and other times it feels like a brick hit you in the face (or treats to a puppers face) and you feel ALL THE THINGS!

So, in honor of this beautiful month – I wanted to share a summary of my history with mental illness and what I am doing this year to honor it – since I am a bit stronger than last year!


The History: My “relationship” with mental illness probably started when I was in my later years of middle school. I do not remember the exact age anymore as it’s all a little blurry at this point in my life. I do recall the feeling of overwhelming sadness, numbness, anxiety and losing my will to live. Which, is scary thought to have that young.

I remember looking for ways to “feel” again. At that point, it had consumed me and had been for a while. I danced sharp objects along my skin, the burning, the color and feeling was the only feeling that came alive. Glowing red metal rods laid across my skin and pills by masses to try to get away from it all. I also remember driving and being tempted to just close my eyes.

My life, even in my younger years came with its complications. I had mentioned some of it in my “How the hell did I end up this way” post. There is always more to every story but I like to keep things going, I did and will hit all the highlights?? <– I need to find a better word here!

Depression is an evil bitch

Fast forward through the long dark days…There came a time when I snapped to and realized I had to get help. At the rate I was going, I think my story would have ended quickly. So, for whatever reason – inner strength took over my darkness for long enough to gain to courage to speak to my mother. Which…why I chose her to open up to at this moment, I will never know but I did. This was the woman who scrutinized my appearance regularly and informed me that I looked fat several times through out my life. You see, she has always been petite and we have been close in weight for as long as I can remember, so god forbid if I started to look like I as growing out of that mold.

Anyway, informing my mother that I no longer wanted to live and that I needed to go to the doctor was one of the hardest things that I had to do. She seemed to care and then handled it poorly afterward. I remember bits and pieces of going to my doctor, completing tests and having that hard discussion with her. I was put on antidepressants and agreed to counseling. I have never felt so lost and scared in my life.

Counseling was strange for me. I did not care for my therapist or her dated orange and brown decor through out her office. I think part of it was because my mother was in the room with me majority of the time, which she took over the conversations and reminded the woman that I was “fine.” She just did not get it.

She further proved that she did not get it by providing a less than supportive relationship. Which, is still true to this day. Versus actually talking to me, it was like I was living with a prison guard with strip searches to see make sure there were no fresh wounds. Which I can understand, but I feel there are better ways to go about it  – rather than throwing demands around and talking down to your child during these searches. She just looked at me as if she hated me, or perhaps she felt that she had failed on some level and it bothered it and came pouring out of her eyes. She already had a troubled child, so I don’t think she had room for me to struggle too… I suppose I can sympathize with that now?

Further more, my new medication made me feel nauseous – as many others you have taken these kind of meds, they can be rough until your body gets used to them. So now, since I could not eat without wanting to vomit, my mother viewed it as now an “eating disorder.” She would force me to clean my plate even if I told her if I ate one more bite, I will probably get sick. Which happened numerous times because when you have a level of anxiety – you already feel that way. Throw in some anti-depressants and you know what? You just don’t have the best appetite and that is okay, you are adjusting. When I did get sick, she would yell and say see – I told you. “I knew you were throwing up after eating!” No, actually I did not have an eating disorder at the time…but thanks Mom. That did happen, just in my adult years.

I managed to stick to my therapy and medication and I did start to feel better. More alive and a bit more happier.  It took some time and some dosage adjustments but I got to a point of no longer wanting to harm myself and wanting to be able to walk this fine earth as a young person should. I am not sure exactly how long it took as I am getting old these days 😉 but the important part was I made it. It was not easy, reflecting on this point in my life – I believe there were a lot of factors that played into this outside of genes (they were stacked against me too). I am also sure that it took a significant amount of time of general sadness to get to my breaking point as well.

Anxiety and insomnia still was an issue from time to time. It really kicked up again around 18 – probably with adulthood, college and who knows what else. Luckily my college therapist was helpful in providing techniques to help me cope with panic attacks. I started back on my meds and tried to really focus on self care at this time. To be honest though, I have been dealing with anxiety ever since…in those waves that I was speaking of :).

Self image became an issue in my early adult years. I have always been told that I was “small, tiny, petite, anorexic, bulimic, had nothing to worry about and weird/tomboy.” I still remember this time in class when a man asked me if I ever ate without throwing it back up…. thanks fella. Reallly nice.

However, it did become an issue eventually. I was in a bad relationship with someone who made me feel less than. To put it simply, he was physically and verbally abusive and beat my confidence and self worth down. It resulted in me weighing roughly 75-80 lbs in my adulthood. Granted even when I was younger…I believe now, I can call it social anxiety?? But I had a fear of eating in front of people. The cafeteria in school was my nemesis. All the kids. All the food. Perhaps there is some sort of eating disorder theory in there as well??? Lord who knows – I am a mess haha.

When I finally got out of that bad situation, which took time. Planning an exit from someone like this must be done carefully. He obviously did not handle it well and probably would have reacted poorly regardless. Unfortunately, he did end up stalking me, he would show up at the local mall where I would be shopping, or restaurants where I was having dinner with friends and even showed up at my house. Trying to get over that fear while trying to repair myself again – whew. This time, it also meant physically and mentally. Again, I over came and now happily weigh in with triple digits on the scale and have been steadily since 2012-2013ish. While body image is something that I still struggle with after my many surgeries, the important thing to remember is it is progress. I am better than what I was before and that is key.

Mid 2015 is when my anxiety took on a form that I had never encountered before. I had gone through several ups and downs in life regarding my mental health and outside of it but this was different. It was something that I literally could not handle. Feeling anxious and insomnia again was not a stranger to me. I live a life that tailors to these needs – most would probably deem boring but it is my life and I have accepted this.

This was the first time in my life that I would need to check in somewhere for observation. I. LOST. IT. Best part? My breaking point occurred at work. I had to get out immediately, after reaching out to my employee assistance program – I informed my boss in little words as possible that I had to go without worrying her….. but one more issue… I take the bus (which was very hard for me at first too btw)…so I had to step up and take an uber to my car. One, I don’t like not being in control of the vehicle that I am in. If I trust you to drive me – congrats! Second, I don’t do taxis or ubers….the amount of germs, smells and general feeling of out of control does not vibe with me.. third, it was a 35 dollar trip easily. However, it had to be done.

This is where the medical field failed me and I have heard similar stories and it is so heartbreaking to me. I did not feel in control, I could not breathe, I could not function, I literally did not know what happening but all I can say is, I did not feel myself. I was not me, I felt literally insane or that I had “snapped.” I attempted to get into our local psych center…for anything consult, treatment, or whatever. However, they were at capacity and since I was not “that bad” I had to find elsewhere. This was the story for the next 3 calls that I tried. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless, trying to find someone to care when you do not even know how you are going to get home or what may happen to you. I was finally able to get into a physician…. 2 weeks later. How was I able to get manage this? Sadly, this is so common and for some people that 2 week wait has cost their life – no joke. Fortunately, my psychotic break was more controllable? (somehow I managed this…I will never know how) versus severe depression/suicidal. Luckily my boss was understanding enough during this time, my then fiance was….I don’t even know but he was there (at the time). I was able to hang on until my appointment where we had a full work up, got a referral in for a specialist, adjusted my medication and added in more…it was overwhelming but I hung in there the best that I could. I began intense therapy, maintained my strict medication regiment, tried my hand at self care and then my now ex (Fuckboy), abandoned me in December 2015. I guess I should be thankful that I was already medicated at that point. Perhaps he could not face being married to someone with severe anxiety, who knows. The key was, I was trying to take care of myself while planning a wedding with little help. Honestly, I thought I was doing well. I had the “supportive” partner who had been my best friend for years and we had helped another through it all – before and after we were together. Life was on the up and up….until he decided otherwise. Since I was medicated, when he left I always asked people (friends, family & associates) if they saw it coming. The answer was always no – whew so I was NOT crazy :). We even had Friendsgiving where Fuckboy stated he was thankful for me and put on this great speech where he pulled a fast one and even pulled it by my good friend Sunshine- who does not miss a damn thing! Anyway, after I had to handle that mess – I took some serious time off. I had to, granted I am still struggling to this day with building PTO…. it was worth it.

My anxiety/episode recovery has been hard since I did not see that life changing event coming during it. Learning to trust people again, regaining my self worth and learning to live independently has been really fucking hard. However, I have kept up with therapy. I know that leaving someone without reason, leaving all their shit  behind for you to handle, not telling their own family what they did and not forwarding their mail is THEIR problem and not mine. Abandonment is never okay and that is something that I have had to accept and the fact that I will never really know the reason why this happened.

My medication has increased over the past year, I still struggle with insomnia and anxiety but I am stronger than I was a year ago – mentally and physically. I am able to stand on both feet and take on the world the best that I can. Some days are still hard… There are times that I cannot get out of bed for several days, at times my anxiety is so bad that I cannot leave the house and it does impact my day-to-day.

Most do not realize all that is going on behind the scenes in recovery and that is fine – because this is my journey and if they don’t notice – I must be keeping it together…..(right!?) hahaha. I am happy to report that I got through that very dark period aka – all of 2016 without thoughts of suicide and while I have lost some weight, I am still healthy. This has been my healthiest recovery to date and I am quite proud.

I may still be a mess but hey – I have a good heart dammit and worthy of love! Now let’s transition into what I am doing this year since I feel stable, happy and productive during Mental Health Awareness month!

1in5 MH Banner


Present day! May 2017: Since I am someone who has clearly struggled with some shit – it has become my mission to give back to the mental health community in anyway that I can. I have done this by sharing my story with friends, family, here, through sites, beating down the stigma in anyway that I can, looking to become an advocate for local mental health chapters, donations, spreading the word, educating others, remembering to be kind – you never know what people may be fighting inside and by participating and supporting Kenzie Brenna during her self-love boot camp on Instagram- which encourages others with mental health disorders to share their stories through social media (there is a focus on body image but it is helpful for everyone), ensuring others that they are not alone!

You can learn more on the link provided or check her out on Instagram, along with her supporters @omgkenzieee and searching #selflovebootcamp. There is a new topic each day and so many people are opening themselves up to vulnerability – it is beautiful. I am going to push myself to participate every day, but some topics are harder than others as you can see in the calendar below. However, if this will help push me to become a more whole person – why not? Although, I do struggle with vulnerability…my therapist can attest to this :).

MAY_SELF_LOVE_1


FINALLY! If you made it through that entire post – you get a cookie! I know it was long so thank you for listening to my story, ignoring any typos that came out during the flow! Yoda best!

I want to ask all of you to do something for Mental Health Awareness this month too! It is so important to keep bringing awareness! Sometimes individuals cannot make that 2 week waiting period to see a physician – we need to do something about this! So my friends/warriors, wear some green this month or ribbon! Participate in a challenge or walk, start a conversation, be there for a friend, spread some facts on social media, advocate and help influence positive policy reform, volunteer, share YOUR story if you have one and remember to take care of yourself and others!

Love you all xoxo,

62f9bbbb-e173-485a-b715-f617f4b92791-1

Follow me! IG: @DiaryoftheMadKatter  P: DiaryMadKatter

Monday coffee fueled thoughts! 

Hello friends & happy Monday!

null

Tis a grey, gloomy day in Columbus, OH. I have thrown down my vitamin d gummies (like a REAL adult..ahem) and currently enjoying a large coffee. Essentially with that combo, I should be ready to take on the world soon!

How was everyone’s weekend? Did you do anything new or exciting?

I did a lot of “adulting” things I guess you could say – I am all caught up on laundry and cleaning. There is something so soothing about a clean space, I need to stay on top of it more…. Cluttered space = cluttered mind and I say NO MORE!

I am feeling better emotionally this week – knock on wood. I am hoping to keep it that way. Thanks again for all your support last week friends ❤ you are the best! I did not realize that I needed a damn battle helmet to start/get through last week. Had I known, I would have worn it with pride…and accessorized it accordingly.

With all of last week’s aftermath still floating around in my head, I am thinking about trying to expand my self-care list. Mine is rather small and includes: basking in sun when available in Ohio and blanket cocooning with Netflix playing in the background to recharge. I clearly need to try some more options, before I turn into a full blown hermit! So with that that in mind, What is your favorite self care tip/activity?? Hopefully by sharing, we will all try something new!


I hope everyone has a great start to the week, talk to you soon!

❤️❤️❤️

Being a bleeding heart in a cold world. 

I have always been one of those, anti-social media gals for a while. Of course I grew up with MySpace and Facebook but for me, it always seemed to invite negativity in my life in one way or another, so I removed myself from it years ago.

However, I did try out Instagram last year as I felt, okay – this is more just pictures and small captions, not so much a never ending flood of public feuds, nasty comments or what I would call “perfect” life syndrome. At first, I felt that this was a good way to stay connected without as much negativity but over the year I found that Instagram also started to bring me down. Of course, I fell in love with plenty of dogs, cute  or funny videos and kept in contact with some friends but things started to take a turn for me.

Over the past few months, I have started to see such a publication and encouragement of what I call poor behavior. This came in many ways but some of the most common alarming trends were:

  • “Savage”  lifestyle – which from what I gathered was openly and happily doing people wrong, being rude or disrespectful. This includes  family and friends.
  • Women’s “Hoe” life – why are some women so excited to be be like, well I got 5 significant others or boyfriends so if your man does something you don’t like or god forbid you miscommunicated, women are going out and getting those revenge free  dinners, sex, texting other men or messing around with their significant other’s best friends? Of course I know this can go with both genders but specifically women have seemed to be more common.
  • Relationships – there are a few things that fall under this section for me. For example, women getting very worked up over men liking others posts, not liking every picture they post etc. I feel like if you are more worried about if your SO liked your 3rd selfie of the day, you may need to do a little more reflecting. People leave eachother over these things. I have read that the best relationships are the ones that are not plastered all over social media…I think there is something to be said about it.
  • Stalking – I know curiosity hits us all, but there can come a time where it can become unhealthy . Whether it’s friends, past friends, exes, idols or even when your ex’s new partner stalks you too and vice versa. There are memes about it and we all know it’s out there but being self aware and not encouraging this behavior. There is a reason there are memes about women saying they can find out  anything, more details than the FBI within 10 min. I have witnessed this with my own eyes (men and women) and I’m unsure how I feel about it, other than uncomfortable.

Perhaps I’m just  ranting, or my old soul is really showing at this point. But I ended up deciding that Instagram no longer was a good fit for me. I just disabled my account for this past week for various reasons. Mostly the above  list, because I am not that kind of person, woman, friend or relative. I am loyal to a fault and only fall in love with souls. Vanity and materials will never be my priority.

I have been told that I give too many  chances, too kind, love too much and it seems that most find it a weakness. While it can be lonely at times, because so many are colder, don’t fall in love with souls but faces, and give in to the negative world – I can say that I am happy with who I am.

Most don’t understand my ways, nor will they ever. Especially when mental health is involved – I’m fine being me. Big hearted, giving and “weak” me.

What are your thoughts on social media? Especially in this day. Do you feel the same? Do you feel social media can impact mental health and why? Please leave your thoughts and experiences  in the comments. If myou don’t mind, include your age as well. I am just wondering if there is a pattern among ages.

Thank you so listening and I hope to hear from you! Have a wonderful evening ❤️.

Xoxo,

Katrina