Apparently it is Wednesday!?

Hello my friends!

I hope your week is treating you well :). I have been in a bit of a funk and hiding away,sorry all.  Empathy takes over my soul in larger forms at times and it has been one of those times.

My current mood

There is just so much negativity &/or violence in this world. Every news alert that pops up on my ever connected phone, just depresses me at this point. Can America get its shit together – please? Of course it is all over, across the seas too and my heart goes out to them as well. So… how about this… WORLD CAN WE GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER!?

I guess a lot has been buzzing through my mind. I have been thinking of how the future of the US will turn out… I am mildly concerned. There was struggle before but now…ugh. 

It just makes my head spin. I had a list of my thoughts and feelings on some matters, but I erased them. When I drop that post, I want it to be in a clear state of mind :).

Anyway! So, outside of some “blahs” of mine, there has been some good and I need to focus on that. So here is a list of happier things from the past week+!

  • I bought a couple hibiscus trees for my garden and I love them. The colors are just so beautiful and bring me joy when I am out in my yard with the pups or laying in my hammock 🌺.
  • PRIDE weekend just finished up, there was a lot of love in Columbus which is a beautiful thing.
  • I trimmed up Barley my middle fur-child as he had RAGING fluff pantaloons (much worse the Syd). However, apparently someone is shy and kept sitting down when I tried to shave up his legs and bum. Which as you could imagine, left him with uneven fluff cheeks. That is right….eventually I accepted the defeat and just let it go. A woman can only fight their pupper so long, in the heat, face to dog butt – trying to even out cheeks. Pretty image eh!? Haha so there is that…ahem.  #bestdogmomaward goes to me
  • My blog reached 1337 likes – which is super exciting! Since I have been kind of slacking, I was happy to receive any award at this point. Slow progression is still something to be proud of! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! 😭
  • I successfully dodged the Foul Fowl (turkey) again and came out alive when I visited my father. Additional note… he now has a baby turkey too, so I really don’t know what I will do when that one grows up. Sorry Dad…I JUST CAN’T.
  • Summer is officially here!😎☀️
  • I started up a vitamin regiment and have been sticking to it. This may seem small and silly for most, but it is huge for me. I am terrible at taking pills besides my antidepressants and birth control. However, I am trying to take better care of myself.

I think that is about it for me. I will be posting my weekly photo challenge later as well!

How are you all doing!? Thank you for always supporting me and sending love my way! ❤

xoxo,

Hello, it’s me. I am alive!


Hello my fabulous friends! Yes, I know – I legit let a week go by without chatting with you all. I have been slipping here and it upsets me, I will get my butt back on track!

So tell me, what is going on my followers!? I want to hear from you, how are you doing!? Have you tried anything new? Fought a fear? Slayed a dragon!? 

Tell me how you are feeling, basically – I feel out of touch and want to hear from you!! PLEASE!

As for me, I have been feeling a bit low and anxious (yes, its just as confusing as it sounds lol). I even had to take a mental health day from work Friday. I have not been sleeping again… so there is that. Just still stressing about my abnormal pap results. I know, I know – I should not be worried. However, I have to take 3 pills a day to try to tame that anxious beast inside me! Sometimes it is still hard. sigh. So, only 2 more weeks to go before my test…. I can do this … right? Most women have already been here, done that. So, trying to stay calm 🙂

I did try to do some things for me this weekend due to my mood. I love weird shit, I am a weird gal soooo antique/resale shops are my jam! I found 3?? In my little hometown so I went rummaging to find the perfect thing for me! Right? Retail therapy is always great! The only issue, I could not find anything that made my heart just burst out of it’s chest. I tried to find a record player and or soulful records… fail. I did however see a cassette player in the antique store…so I guess we are finally there? I felt a bit old… not gonna lie. So the perfect pick me up gift is still yet to be found, so I hit up my local coffee shop to lift my spirits in caffeine form :).

Outside of my failed rummaging and funk, I helped Caterpillar turn his empty apartment into a homey apartment! Want to test a strength of a relationship? Build furniture together hahaha. Jk jk, we made it out alive and not a scratch or toooo much bickering.

Now enough about me, please fill my comments with anything about you!!! All the things! The good, bad, ugly, sweet, funny, jokes, pictures, feelings – let me hear from you ❤ I will chat with you all soon!

❤ xoxo,

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Monday catch up with… Andrina? #Starbucksfail

Hello my friends!

I hope that you had a good weekend and that your coffee and tea is strong this lovely Monday!

It is raining here, which always puts me in a mood. Soooo to make me feel better, I bought a coffee the size of me annnnd now I am apparently known as: Andrina? This is a new one, well done Starbucks.

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So this past week has been a bit crazy and my brain is as hazy is the world outside my window, so I think I will do this catch up in: the good, bad & ugly bullets. Ahhh simplicity on a Monday – that is what I am talking about! So here we go!


The Good

  • Mad Hatter Brunch – This was my first vendor event with my fierce lady boss friend, whom that I typically refer to as Sunshine… this never fit right with me and have been searching my mind for a NEW code name for her for quite some time… Now she will be referred to as…(drumroll) Honeydukes. I know… You’re probably thinking – wtf? Just hear me out and try to follow my logic here: My lovely friend and I share a love of sweets, fun, HP and her hair is blonde…it seemed perfect! Right!? IDK IT MAKES SENSE TO ME! 😘ANYWAY back to the list… Honeydukes and I attended the Mad Hatter Brunch! The brunch was in support of pediatric cancer patients and their families, so it was such a good feeling to learn more about the organization, meet some other ladies and fellow vendors. In terms of good vibes, the place was packed with them! Additionally, there were a few vendor spots which Honeydukes snagged one – so I (procrastor) ended up throwing on a sun hat and sun dress and went to support, and most importantly – witness my mentor in action and take notes for my event comes…. you know at the end of the month. No stress here (nervous laughter)… so I observed, took it all in and tried to channel my inner extrovert and do my best lol. After a few tries myself, I’m sure I will be rocking it myself 🎩👒.
  • Cookie Dough Creamery – This is probably one of the most important things that has ever happened to me…ever. After the lovely Mad Hattery, Honeydukes introduced me to this shop where they have “safe” edible cookie dough (I eat raw cookie dough regardless #rebel) that you can top with ice cream and several other things like sprinkles, cookie crumbles and candies. Essentially, it was what I imagine heaven to be like and I just had to share this with you!
    • Do you have something similar where you live!? I must know!
  • Dawn Dagger Award – My lovely blogger friend and beautiful lady, comfykittea nominated me for the Dawn Dagger Award!! Thank you my dear and I will be following up with that soon! I am thinking of questions 🙂
  • Bachelor Pad – Caterpillar’s roommates moved out and he is now living on his own for the first time. So we have been busy the past week deep cleaning the place, gathering things and reorganizing so he can have his own little perfect space. Bonus!? I was able to pass some things on to him that was taking up space in my house and garage. YESSS! So who really is the winner here? ME! Just kidding.  So, I am excited for him….while he radiates some anxiety about this big step :).With that, I am happy to report that Caterpillar and I have been doing better…. *knock on wood*. Even through this stressful time for him :). Keep your fingers crossed my lovely people.
  • Avian Nemesis– Do you remember my turkey story? Well, my father asked me over for lunch Sunday….which meant that I would have to face the Foul Fowl again. I am not going to lie, I did not think I would ever see my father again while that rather bulbous feathered friend, alive and strutting around the farm house. Mocking me…peering at me with those beady eyes and large wing span. HOWEVER, I gave myself a pep-talk. Like, listen – you are human! Potentially one of the most dangerous (petite) creatures, do not be bullied by this white jerk. You are bigger…ish than him! You are smarter than him and today you will show him up! Sooooo I packed up my Sydney and we drove over, because she would totally save me if I happen to opossum out in fear of this….turkey – right!? I am happy to report that he was not waiting on me at the end of the drive way this time…oh but he was lurking in the shrubbery/grass area. Syd and I managed to get inside the house and relax a bit, not a feather on my mind….until we were ready to leave. I walked out to see him strutting around. WHO DOES THIS TURKEY THINK HE IS!? With a straightened back and mustered up courage, I walked with Syd to the car. I safely got Syd in the car so I could take a few steps “closer” to try to get a picture of this turkey and you know, fight my fears! Well…. as he heard me step closer, he slowly turned towards me and let out, nothing short of what I would call a War Gobble…again. He then proceeded to stalk in my direction. At this point, I was feeling a bit anxious. This is what I get for locking up my fierce protector in the car to ensure that she would be safe. Great, who was going to protect ME now. So… I tried to snap a picture of him for you guys to see this monster buuuuut my phone camera was only able to produce this grainy, super zoomed in picture of the jerk . My friends, meet my tormentor… FullSizeRender (7)The good news? I am happy to say that I ran back to my car and shut the door immediately after this photo was taken, because I am apparently being bullied by this round creature and I do not trust him! Syd and I are peck free and no turkeys were harmed…..but my ego may be. Until next time my feathered foe.

The Bad & The Ugly

  • See picture above…
  • That Pap was NOT a wrap – So, I received the call. Yes, the call that we all dread from our gynecologist –  stating that my pap smear came back with abnormal cells and that I would have to go back for additional testing.  It appears that I will have to go back for something called an Colposcopy. Which essentially sounds like a pap on steroids and I may have to have a biopsy taken as well – depending on what they see. This kinda set the tone for my weekend, even though the nurse stated that this is “extremely common, just preventative, your other tests of HPV, gonorrhea and chlamydia were negative.” My mind just zeroed in on the “abnormal” portion, like what does this mean and how!? It did not matter that she seemed un-phased, perhaps snacking while explaining that this was not as scary as it sounds and my abnormality was “extremely mild.”Listen, I have serious anxieties and have a tendency to obsess and run/jump/catapult to worst case scenario. My colposcopy is not scheduled until the end of June so, I get to wait a bit before having this done. Here is a better description of the exam (in case you did not know like myself):“Colposcopy is a way for your doctor to use a special magnifying device to look at your vulva, vagina, and cervix. If the doctor sees a problem, he or she can take a small sample of tissue (biopsy) from the cervix or from inside the opening of the cervix. The sample is looked at under a microscope…During the test, your doctor uses a lighted magnifying device that looks like a pair of binoculars. This device is called a colposcope. It allows your doctor to see problems that would be missed by the naked eye. A camera can be attached to the colposcope to take pictures or videos of the vagina and cervix. Your doctor may put vinegar (acetic acid) and sometimes iodine on the vagina and cervix with a cotton swab or cotton balls. It allows the doctor to see problem areas more clearly.”WebMD
    ^me…all weekend

    Now, I know that many “non-scary” things can cause inflammation or can impact your cervical exam but it is hard to keep that in mind when the word “cancer” is mentioned but I am trying to stay positive. I have not really told anyone because… for some reason I feel ashamed or embarrassed?  I have no reason to feel this way but sadly I cannot shake it off TSwift style just yet.

    So I guess I have a few questions for my ladies out there:
    -Have you had this procedure done (colposcopy)? If so, any tips? How did it turn out for you?
    Have you received the “abnormal” call before?

     

I think that is about it really, I hope you all had a good weekend, tell me all about it!!! Also, if you don’t mind, send me some calming and good luck vibes, you know with my raging anxieties and chaotic life haha. I love and appreciate you all! ❤

xoxo,
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Not So Thriving Thursday

Hello – it’s me! I missed ALL OF YOU!

I think it is safe to say that I have made it through our “hiring frenzy” over the past 2 weeks – WHEW. I hope to be back in the blogging game starting now – yessssss! I really do miss reading up on you guys, sorry for being a bad friend and being so far behind, I feel like I am letting you guys down and it makes me sad. I promise to dedicate some time to that asap! ❤

So I guess I can give you a quick life update before diving into my reader. Also, since my brain is still a bit foggy/fried/overstimulated – I am going to do a random bullet list. Simple, easy thoughts on life….should not be too hard right!? Let’s see…

  • Doggos: While neatly trimmed and oh so loving, I think my 3 pups are trying to kill me. They have been fond of romping around in the middle of the night and needing to be let out multiple times throughout the night over the past week. I did not get settled into bed until 2:30A last night. There was some anxiety issues with this as well, but mostly CRAZED MUTTS! I try so hard to give them all the love, the ear scratches, refuse to walk out on my job to keep kibble in the bowls! This is how they repay me!? YESH! Thanks puppers 😉 I really do love them though – just want that to be noted!
  • Fatigue: Is an understatement for me over the past week. I mean, I think adulthood in general is a giant blur of fatigue but this has been a new level for me. Sadly even while feeling so tired that my body aches and my nerve endings feel on fire – I still cannot sleep well. I may have to bust out the ole trazodone again 😦 which also makes me sad. I just want a normal functioning body…. k thx! I am sure the work load and still raging pollen count has something to do with it… right?
  • Officially ANTI-SOCIAL:  Well, kinda. As I mentioned a few posts back, I was participating in the IG @omgkenzieee #selflovebootcamp – which sounded so good in theory but it just got too hard…then I got really far behind. So there went my weekly posting idea versus the daily. I guess you could say I have officially given up. That’s right, I am a quitter. I still follow the tag and friends that I made the first couple weeks…er… week? They are warriors indeed and perhaps I am just a little bunny that is lost. Kudos to all the ladies out there who is still putting their bodies out there and fighting for the MUST body positive movement. You girls go! I will cheer from over here, by over here I mean with this pizza and probably a blanket.
  • Mood: I have been in a low mood since yesterday. There is no sun, only rain and my stubby legs did not make it over “large” leap over a puddle this morning and…my feet, flats and legs were wet for most of the morning. It did not help things 😦 . I guess I am being a Grumpy Kat….
  • Buffoonery: First, can I say that I love this word? Why is it not utilized more? Anyway… I love to take pictures and while looking through my 3k photos on my phone, I realized that I had quite the range of random snaps, downloaded memes, inspirational quotes and even raunchy ridiculous memes all in between all the photos of my rebellious mutts. I was thinking that I wanted to put together a quick movie/slideshow? I guess you could say? That shows some of my pics and randomness that I love and snatched off the interwebs….just to give you a show? So you can see what I find is interesting, I hope you will tell me your thoughts on it!

My endometriosis story 💛

Hello friends!

As my lovely followers, you know that I suffer from mental health issues. I have opened up with my story a little bit regarding my struggles with them but my topic today is something that I haven’t really dabbled into and is another silent disease called: endometriosis. The link provided is from The Endometriosis Foundation of America and has some great information if you are interested in learning more.  

My story:

I will never forget in January 2013, I was suffering from some severe pain in my left , lower side. I have suffered from pain each month, to a point that pain killers did not even touch the pain that I felt. So, I did not think too much about it and thought it would pass, I took some medication and went about Fuckboy’s work holiday party, I simply did not have time for this and so I sucked it up, shook hands with the bosses, smiled and chatted with their wives and tried to force the pain down a river of endless beer.

It did not help. In fact, the pain progressed over the weekend.

I somehow made it through the dreadful weekend, called my doctor first thing in the morning on Monday to be seen. Surprisingly, I was able to get in quickly if I remember correctly, but my wonderful and caring doctor dismissed my concerns initially because “I looked fine.” I appeared to not be in pain in her eyes, luckily she still took the time to do a physical exam. Where I squirmed and yelped in agony as she prodded my ovaries.

“Oh, I guess you are in pain” as she continues her cold hearted prodding to my raging insides.

She finished the exam and suggested that I get an ultrasound. She suggested that it may be a cyst. However, since they are so common and typically go away on their own, she was not too concerned; but she did go ahead, and get the ultrasound scheduled for me. Gee thanks doc for listening to me…ahem.

So this is where things started to take a turn, I was able to go to a local branch to get the ultrasound done the next day I believe (by chance). However, this time I had to drink my body weight in water beforehand and hold it for this type of ultrasound…..you could say, I was about to get up close and personal with this ultrasound tech and her not so magical wand. I did not even get dinner or even a damn lollipop post session. She was nice  though, so I guess that is all I could ask for…and perhaps a hug or additional therapy.

It turns out, I did in fact have a cyst. It was one that was solid versus the “typical ” fluid filled kind. Now, things were rushed. I was referred to a specialist/local OBGYN to evaluate and treat asap. 

We all know that I suffer from anxiety, so as you could imagine, I was internally losing my mind. What is this elusive mass on my ovary and how dare it! Causing me great pain, moving in and taking over my lady organs without paying rent or giving back at all. Quite frankly, it was just rude!

So on to the next appointment and another ultrasound…ugh. Dr. Chan diagnosed me with an endometrioma or also known as: chocolate cysts or blood cysts. At the time, she wanted to try the wait and see game. I would have a repeat ulrtrasound in about a month to see if it shrank on its own. In the meantime, I got a full blood panel done because since this was a more solid mass, scary terms like mass and cancer was being passed around. “While unlikely, it is best that we take these tests to rule out any additional concerns.”

I took a deep breath and agreed to the tests.

Listen guys, I don’t handle medical needles well. I have tattoos, mostly where I did not watch them drill my skin and for a reason. Watching someone draw my blood, especially several vials – I was feeling severely overwhelmed, anxious, and terrified. It seems that I was right over the years but here is the thing – endometriosis can only be “officially” diagnosed through surgery. While this was on the list of possibilities. I was hoping this asshole cyst would go away on its own. 

A month down the  line, the pain persisted and when it was time for my next  ultrasound, my cyst grew to the size similar to a baseball, just a little bigger. It was time to really talk about surgery. 

I spent the month between appointments researching endometriosis and what that would mean for me. I have always wanted children and I was with my long term boyfriend at the  time who also wanted children one day. How would I talk to him about this? How can I accept this? Engagement was coming close and hearing this information threw me into a depression. 

I will never forget speaking to Dr. Chan, in her little private office about the surgery. Recovery and what I wanted for my future. Worst case, she needed to know if she needed to try to save an ovary if I wanted children .  

I was 24, going on 25. Sitting alone, planning a surgery that may impact my distant life. 

I choked  out, what were the odds that my fertility would be impacted. There is no simple answer for that. 

Some people have little endo and experience great pain and fertility issues, some do not. Others have severe endo and still have babies. She would not know the severity of mine until she went in to remove my cyst and we wouldn’t know how my fertility was impacted until I were to actually start trying. 

Ideally, it’s best to try right after the surgery since the adhesions would be removed from my organs.  Again, at 25 and where I was at in life, it wasn’t going to happen. 

So then comes the thoughts – how could a man love me? Would my then significant other run for the hills? How would I bring up the topic to any future lovers. I mean, I don’t know  myself, but when do you insert the statement “oh hey, I’m not sure sure what you were feeling here…But if you want  children with me, I need you to know there may be complications.” 

Does that come after drinks a year down the line. Is that something that should be covered sooner so no one gets upset or too attached?

**I had not been had the surgery yet mind you. This was just flying through my head on my drive home, to my then boyfriend and tell him the plan and news.**

Surgery day  came, I was hangry and ready to vomit the bile that was the only thing left in my stomach. With no food after midnight and my surgery pushed to 12p. Whew. All I could think about was food. 

When the dreaded time came, I was sent off from a few loved ones and I was out before I knew it. 

I woke up  groggy, in pain and of course the news that endometriosis was indeed found. She lasered all that she could and successfully removed my cyst without having to remove any additional organs. I still had two ovaries – thank god. 

Recovery was slow. I could not wear real pants for like a month and time around the house left time to continue into a black spiral of  “being a broken woman, that no one could love long term.” 

I had a supportive partner at the time or so I thought. I sometimes wonder that if possible fertility issues was part of the reason he up and left before the wedding. But hey, we won’t spend another second on him. 

Time went on, I grew to accept that my window of “ideal” procreation came and went. I grew older and went through periods of acceptance, anger, back to depression and also periods of  “I could be just fine!”

But I have generalized anxiety and we like to cover all the grounds 😂. Post surgery, I had to start taking a continuous regimen of birth control pills to try to control symptoms of endometriosis. 

It’s been about 5 years since then and that’s kind of been the course. But now I’m facing 29, with those scary thoughts and have a sort of significant other?? 😂😳

I’m still terrified. I still wonder if I will ever  be a mother or if I would have to adopt or just be a dog family. I guess time will tell. 

The scary thing about endometriosis is that it can go untreated for many years, women suffer in agony before many take them seriously – this includes medical professionals.  It is very similar to my experiences with mental illness. Others do not see an open wound on your arm and it doesn’t exist. Or it’s not as “serious” as you claim.  

It is truly heartbreaking that this is the case, because it can impact many aspects of a woman’s life in the current and future. 

I leave you with this, I ask you to educate yourself if you do not know much about endometriosis and share that information with others. The more attention that is brought to the disease, the more hope we can have for the  future!

I hope you enjoyed my post or learned a thing or two. I encourage you to take a look around and if you are having symptoms or have a friend, family member or loved one with these symptoms, support them ❤️. 

If you have  any questions,or have a story of your own, I would love to hear it!

Xoxo,

Being a bleeding heart in a cold world. 

I have always been one of those, anti-social media gals for a while. Of course I grew up with MySpace and Facebook but for me, it always seemed to invite negativity in my life in one way or another, so I removed myself from it years ago.

However, I did try out Instagram last year as I felt, okay – this is more just pictures and small captions, not so much a never ending flood of public feuds, nasty comments or what I would call “perfect” life syndrome. At first, I felt that this was a good way to stay connected without as much negativity but over the year I found that Instagram also started to bring me down. Of course, I fell in love with plenty of dogs, cute  or funny videos and kept in contact with some friends but things started to take a turn for me.

Over the past few months, I have started to see such a publication and encouragement of what I call poor behavior. This came in many ways but some of the most common alarming trends were:

  • “Savage”  lifestyle – which from what I gathered was openly and happily doing people wrong, being rude or disrespectful. This includes  family and friends.
  • Women’s “Hoe” life – why are some women so excited to be be like, well I got 5 significant others or boyfriends so if your man does something you don’t like or god forbid you miscommunicated, women are going out and getting those revenge free  dinners, sex, texting other men or messing around with their significant other’s best friends? Of course I know this can go with both genders but specifically women have seemed to be more common.
  • Relationships – there are a few things that fall under this section for me. For example, women getting very worked up over men liking others posts, not liking every picture they post etc. I feel like if you are more worried about if your SO liked your 3rd selfie of the day, you may need to do a little more reflecting. People leave eachother over these things. I have read that the best relationships are the ones that are not plastered all over social media…I think there is something to be said about it.
  • Stalking – I know curiosity hits us all, but there can come a time where it can become unhealthy . Whether it’s friends, past friends, exes, idols or even when your ex’s new partner stalks you too and vice versa. There are memes about it and we all know it’s out there but being self aware and not encouraging this behavior. There is a reason there are memes about women saying they can find out  anything, more details than the FBI within 10 min. I have witnessed this with my own eyes (men and women) and I’m unsure how I feel about it, other than uncomfortable.

Perhaps I’m just  ranting, or my old soul is really showing at this point. But I ended up deciding that Instagram no longer was a good fit for me. I just disabled my account for this past week for various reasons. Mostly the above  list, because I am not that kind of person, woman, friend or relative. I am loyal to a fault and only fall in love with souls. Vanity and materials will never be my priority.

I have been told that I give too many  chances, too kind, love too much and it seems that most find it a weakness. While it can be lonely at times, because so many are colder, don’t fall in love with souls but faces, and give in to the negative world – I can say that I am happy with who I am.

Most don’t understand my ways, nor will they ever. Especially when mental health is involved – I’m fine being me. Big hearted, giving and “weak” me.

What are your thoughts on social media? Especially in this day. Do you feel the same? Do you feel social media can impact mental health and why? Please leave your thoughts and experiences  in the comments. If myou don’t mind, include your age as well. I am just wondering if there is a pattern among ages.

Thank you so listening and I hope to hear from you! Have a wonderful evening ❤️.

Xoxo,

Katrina