Addiction & Mental Illness

Hello friends!

To continue with the theme of Mental Health Awareness, I wanted to branch a little further and address addiction and substance abuse as well – as it is not uncommon for some to suffer from both, otherwise known as co-occurring disorders.

**Please remember, I am not a physician – just a gal sharing her experiences and providing resources**

It seems like over the past couple years, I have heard more about heroin overdoses than I ever have. It is scary, I have personally known friends who struggle with addiction and it greatly impacts their lives…their families and children. It saddens me greatly to hear about someone I know who cannot seem to stay in treatment despite what they have been blessed with or the support system around them. I am not sure if stigma has something to do with this, or what. My struggle with substances have never been that level of destruction, so if you have any insight on this and why it can be a struggle for the addict, I would love to hear your thoughts or stories!

“Millions of Americans suffer from anxiety disorders, and millions also suffer from substance use disorders. The illnesses can develop independently from one another, or one can cause the other.

Although people with anxiety disorders don’t always develop substance use disorders, or vice versa, research shows strong associations between the two. An estimated 18 percent of all people with substance use disorders have an anxiety disorder.”

– DrugRehab.com

In my own personal experience, the few addicts that I know, do have issues with coping and this is their release. The quick fix if you will, that we have all heard about over the years. We must help encourage change! If you or someone you know is struggling – try to make that first step in assisting them or yourself. There are many helpful resources out there both locally and beyond. For further information or help finding treatment near you, family or friends – please check out the below links:

 

Continue to be strong my friends, not only for you but your loved ones as well!! ❤

xoxo,

62f9bbbb-e173-485a-b715-f617f4b92791-1

Mental Health Awareness Month!

Hello friends & happy Wednesday! ❤

As most of you probably know, May is Mental Health Awareness month! YAY! This is super huge for me since I have been struggling for many years.

The last year and a half was a big slump for me in regards to recovery in adulthood. My fellow mental health warriors, you may experience this too – but it comes in waves. Some days/months/year(s) go by with little to no symptoms and other times it feels like a brick hit you in the face (or treats to a puppers face) and you feel ALL THE THINGS!

So, in honor of this beautiful month – I wanted to share a summary of my history with mental illness and what I am doing this year to honor it – since I am a bit stronger than last year!


The History: My “relationship” with mental illness probably started when I was in my later years of middle school. I do not remember the exact age anymore as it’s all a little blurry at this point in my life. I do recall the feeling of overwhelming sadness, numbness, anxiety and losing my will to live. Which, is scary thought to have that young.

I remember looking for ways to “feel” again. At that point, it had consumed me and had been for a while. I danced sharp objects along my skin, the burning, the color and feeling was the only feeling that came alive. Glowing red metal rods laid across my skin and pills by masses to try to get away from it all. I also remember driving and being tempted to just close my eyes.

My life, even in my younger years came with its complications. I had mentioned some of it in my “How the hell did I end up this way” post. There is always more to every story but I like to keep things going, I did and will hit all the highlights?? <– I need to find a better word here!

Depression is an evil bitch

Fast forward through the long dark days…There came a time when I snapped to and realized I had to get help. At the rate I was going, I think my story would have ended quickly. So, for whatever reason – inner strength took over my darkness for long enough to gain to courage to speak to my mother. Which…why I chose her to open up to at this moment, I will never know but I did. This was the woman who scrutinized my appearance regularly and informed me that I looked fat several times through out my life. You see, she has always been petite and we have been close in weight for as long as I can remember, so god forbid if I started to look like I as growing out of that mold.

Anyway, informing my mother that I no longer wanted to live and that I needed to go to the doctor was one of the hardest things that I had to do. She seemed to care and then handled it poorly afterward. I remember bits and pieces of going to my doctor, completing tests and having that hard discussion with her. I was put on antidepressants and agreed to counseling. I have never felt so lost and scared in my life.

Counseling was strange for me. I did not care for my therapist or her dated orange and brown decor through out her office. I think part of it was because my mother was in the room with me majority of the time, which she took over the conversations and reminded the woman that I was “fine.” She just did not get it.

She further proved that she did not get it by providing a less than supportive relationship. Which, is still true to this day. Versus actually talking to me, it was like I was living with a prison guard with strip searches to see make sure there were no fresh wounds. Which I can understand, but I feel there are better ways to go about it  – rather than throwing demands around and talking down to your child during these searches. She just looked at me as if she hated me, or perhaps she felt that she had failed on some level and it bothered it and came pouring out of her eyes. She already had a troubled child, so I don’t think she had room for me to struggle too… I suppose I can sympathize with that now?

Further more, my new medication made me feel nauseous – as many others you have taken these kind of meds, they can be rough until your body gets used to them. So now, since I could not eat without wanting to vomit, my mother viewed it as now an “eating disorder.” She would force me to clean my plate even if I told her if I ate one more bite, I will probably get sick. Which happened numerous times because when you have a level of anxiety – you already feel that way. Throw in some anti-depressants and you know what? You just don’t have the best appetite and that is okay, you are adjusting. When I did get sick, she would yell and say see – I told you. “I knew you were throwing up after eating!” No, actually I did not have an eating disorder at the time…but thanks Mom. That did happen, just in my adult years.

I managed to stick to my therapy and medication and I did start to feel better. More alive and a bit more happier.  It took some time and some dosage adjustments but I got to a point of no longer wanting to harm myself and wanting to be able to walk this fine earth as a young person should. I am not sure exactly how long it took as I am getting old these days 😉 but the important part was I made it. It was not easy, reflecting on this point in my life – I believe there were a lot of factors that played into this outside of genes (they were stacked against me too). I am also sure that it took a significant amount of time of general sadness to get to my breaking point as well.

Anxiety and insomnia still was an issue from time to time. It really kicked up again around 18 – probably with adulthood, college and who knows what else. Luckily my college therapist was helpful in providing techniques to help me cope with panic attacks. I started back on my meds and tried to really focus on self care at this time. To be honest though, I have been dealing with anxiety ever since…in those waves that I was speaking of :).

Self image became an issue in my early adult years. I have always been told that I was “small, tiny, petite, anorexic, bulimic, had nothing to worry about and weird/tomboy.” I still remember this time in class when a man asked me if I ever ate without throwing it back up…. thanks fella. Reallly nice.

However, it did become an issue eventually. I was in a bad relationship with someone who made me feel less than. To put it simply, he was physically and verbally abusive and beat my confidence and self worth down. It resulted in me weighing roughly 75-80 lbs in my adulthood. Granted even when I was younger…I believe now, I can call it social anxiety?? But I had a fear of eating in front of people. The cafeteria in school was my nemesis. All the kids. All the food. Perhaps there is some sort of eating disorder theory in there as well??? Lord who knows – I am a mess haha.

When I finally got out of that bad situation, which took time. Planning an exit from someone like this must be done carefully. He obviously did not handle it well and probably would have reacted poorly regardless. Unfortunately, he did end up stalking me, he would show up at the local mall where I would be shopping, or restaurants where I was having dinner with friends and even showed up at my house. Trying to get over that fear while trying to repair myself again – whew. This time, it also meant physically and mentally. Again, I over came and now happily weigh in with triple digits on the scale and have been steadily since 2012-2013ish. While body image is something that I still struggle with after my many surgeries, the important thing to remember is it is progress. I am better than what I was before and that is key.

Mid 2015 is when my anxiety took on a form that I had never encountered before. I had gone through several ups and downs in life regarding my mental health and outside of it but this was different. It was something that I literally could not handle. Feeling anxious and insomnia again was not a stranger to me. I live a life that tailors to these needs – most would probably deem boring but it is my life and I have accepted this.

This was the first time in my life that I would need to check in somewhere for observation. I. LOST. IT. Best part? My breaking point occurred at work. I had to get out immediately, after reaching out to my employee assistance program – I informed my boss in little words as possible that I had to go without worrying her….. but one more issue… I take the bus (which was very hard for me at first too btw)…so I had to step up and take an uber to my car. One, I don’t like not being in control of the vehicle that I am in. If I trust you to drive me – congrats! Second, I don’t do taxis or ubers….the amount of germs, smells and general feeling of out of control does not vibe with me.. third, it was a 35 dollar trip easily. However, it had to be done.

This is where the medical field failed me and I have heard similar stories and it is so heartbreaking to me. I did not feel in control, I could not breathe, I could not function, I literally did not know what happening but all I can say is, I did not feel myself. I was not me, I felt literally insane or that I had “snapped.” I attempted to get into our local psych center…for anything consult, treatment, or whatever. However, they were at capacity and since I was not “that bad” I had to find elsewhere. This was the story for the next 3 calls that I tried. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless, trying to find someone to care when you do not even know how you are going to get home or what may happen to you. I was finally able to get into a physician…. 2 weeks later. How was I able to get manage this? Sadly, this is so common and for some people that 2 week wait has cost their life – no joke. Fortunately, my psychotic break was more controllable? (somehow I managed this…I will never know how) versus severe depression/suicidal. Luckily my boss was understanding enough during this time, my then fiance was….I don’t even know but he was there (at the time). I was able to hang on until my appointment where we had a full work up, got a referral in for a specialist, adjusted my medication and added in more…it was overwhelming but I hung in there the best that I could. I began intense therapy, maintained my strict medication regiment, tried my hand at self care and then my now ex (Fuckboy), abandoned me in December 2015. I guess I should be thankful that I was already medicated at that point. Perhaps he could not face being married to someone with severe anxiety, who knows. The key was, I was trying to take care of myself while planning a wedding with little help. Honestly, I thought I was doing well. I had the “supportive” partner who had been my best friend for years and we had helped another through it all – before and after we were together. Life was on the up and up….until he decided otherwise. Since I was medicated, when he left I always asked people (friends, family & associates) if they saw it coming. The answer was always no – whew so I was NOT crazy :). We even had Friendsgiving where Fuckboy stated he was thankful for me and put on this great speech where he pulled a fast one and even pulled it by my good friend Sunshine- who does not miss a damn thing! Anyway, after I had to handle that mess – I took some serious time off. I had to, granted I am still struggling to this day with building PTO…. it was worth it.

My anxiety/episode recovery has been hard since I did not see that life changing event coming during it. Learning to trust people again, regaining my self worth and learning to live independently has been really fucking hard. However, I have kept up with therapy. I know that leaving someone without reason, leaving all their shit  behind for you to handle, not telling their own family what they did and not forwarding their mail is THEIR problem and not mine. Abandonment is never okay and that is something that I have had to accept and the fact that I will never really know the reason why this happened.

My medication has increased over the past year, I still struggle with insomnia and anxiety but I am stronger than I was a year ago – mentally and physically. I am able to stand on both feet and take on the world the best that I can. Some days are still hard… There are times that I cannot get out of bed for several days, at times my anxiety is so bad that I cannot leave the house and it does impact my day-to-day.

Most do not realize all that is going on behind the scenes in recovery and that is fine – because this is my journey and if they don’t notice – I must be keeping it together…..(right!?) hahaha. I am happy to report that I got through that very dark period aka – all of 2016 without thoughts of suicide and while I have lost some weight, I am still healthy. This has been my healthiest recovery to date and I am quite proud.

I may still be a mess but hey – I have a good heart dammit and worthy of love! Now let’s transition into what I am doing this year since I feel stable, happy and productive during Mental Health Awareness month!

1in5 MH Banner


Present day! May 2017: Since I am someone who has clearly struggled with some shit – it has become my mission to give back to the mental health community in anyway that I can. I have done this by sharing my story with friends, family, here, through sites, beating down the stigma in anyway that I can, looking to become an advocate for local mental health chapters, donations, spreading the word, educating others, remembering to be kind – you never know what people may be fighting inside and by participating and supporting Kenzie Brenna during her self-love boot camp on Instagram- which encourages others with mental health disorders to share their stories through social media (there is a focus on body image but it is helpful for everyone), ensuring others that they are not alone!

You can learn more on the link provided or check her out on Instagram, along with her supporters @omgkenzieee and searching #selflovebootcamp. There is a new topic each day and so many people are opening themselves up to vulnerability – it is beautiful. I am going to push myself to participate every day, but some topics are harder than others as you can see in the calendar below. However, if this will help push me to become a more whole person – why not? Although, I do struggle with vulnerability…my therapist can attest to this :).

MAY_SELF_LOVE_1


FINALLY! If you made it through that entire post – you get a cookie! I know it was long so thank you for listening to my story, ignoring any typos that came out during the flow! Yoda best!

I want to ask all of you to do something for Mental Health Awareness this month too! It is so important to keep bringing awareness! Sometimes individuals cannot make that 2 week waiting period to see a physician – we need to do something about this! So my friends/warriors, wear some green this month or ribbon! Participate in a challenge or walk, start a conversation, be there for a friend, spread some facts on social media, advocate and help influence positive policy reform, volunteer, share YOUR story if you have one and remember to take care of yourself and others!

Love you all xoxo,

62f9bbbb-e173-485a-b715-f617f4b92791-1

Follow me! IG: @DiaryoftheMadKatter  P: DiaryMadKatter

How the hell did I end up this way

When I take the time to really reflect on my life and I mean really go deep in the past, I wonder simply, how the hell did I end up this way?

You see, most describe me as: sweet, too nice, dependable and very loving. I know that sounds a bit self centered but, I am just going off what I am told!

My family has and never will be a loving family.

Dinners at the table, were never a regular thing, in fact they were a rarity. Words of encouragement never really came, love and affection really was not a regular thing in both, my mother and father’s houses. In fact, it stems further back…my grandparents are not the affectionate kind either.

I have gone months without speaking to my parents and even longer for others. While some may find this a bit shocking, it’s not uncommon for us. I guess we never really made each other a priority and that is just how it has always been.

The family on my dad’s side … is the definition of aloof? ← Not sure if this is the exact word I am looking for… I am also convinced they mostly speak in mumbles, grumbles and the occasional rage outburst. Now, don’t get me wrong – there are times when I do have a somewhat normal conversation with them but let me tell you, it’s a shocker when it does happen. Aka: my entire ride back home is analyzing wtf just happened haha. The same goes for my brothers and well.. Honestly my mother and her family too. As you could imagine, holidays or family gatherings are super uncomfortable haha.

My single mother of 3, showed her love by explaining the importance of a credit score before I could drive. I mean, valuable information that ultimately did help me but we did not really talk about what I picture most mothers do or see in movies (damn you media)! There was never long phone conversations, movie nights, or bonding really. Whenever I have tried to open up to her and seek her guidance about things in life, she ignored me, literally. She still does this, she will focus on something else and never actually listen to me or she will find a way to turn it around and talk about herself. For example, the day my ex-fiance left me….6 years together, wedding plans and deposits paid and done for….just up and left and I was a disaster. My life completely turned upside down because I put a lot of effort and love in those years, his family became mine and I was closer with them than my own family….just gone. She swung by the house my ex and I just purchased and said “Well your best friend is here, you are crying and he is not here. Something must have happened.” As I try to choke out the words of what occurred…her response from across the room, scrolling or typing away on her cellphone (typical) simply was “well, sometimes people just don’t work out. Now, let me tell you about my shitty day at work and how my manager pissed me off.” That was it. No comfort as I was shattered, no words of love or encouragement or a hug. I never spoke to her about it again. It has come up here and there while I had to clean up the mess that he left but that is just how she is. I have many stories that follow that same responses or worse. The time I came to her about my deperssion when I was younger was also a horrible experience…she just does not get it and never will.

My mother did buy me things and I think that is just how she shows love? A random new leather purse, jewelry and things of that nature – while nice I guess, it is just not how I show love. She is not a terrible person, she is just who she is and as I mentioned, it seems that this stems further back in her family line. A cool demeanor, curt responses, criticism and little support is just who she is, I have accepted it long ago.

My father, while an angry fella, I love him and I lived with him for a little while when I was younger after my parents divorced. Those times were lovely, we would do things together like go camping, dirt bike riding, cook together and he also taught me how to shoot… which was nice – Daddy’s girl. He also took me to see Spice World and to a Spice Girls concert, I guess that was pretty cool and very “Dad” of him HAHA. However, when he found a younger woman who had a child, us kids kinda took the back seat in his life and they became priority. Whatever she or her child wanted, they got. He stopped doing things with my brothers and I. At times it was more apparent than others, but we slowly kind of faded to the background and it is still that way to this day. I have also learned to accept this, it took me a while though. I did not understand how a father could push his own children away and essentially place these others on a pedestal. Again, this is just who he is. He needs her in his life and will do anything to keep that going even though she leaves him often and comes crawling back over and over. I can just be there and support him when called upon.

My siblings, I have one full blooded brother and one half. I am closest with my half brother, we text and do things more often than the rest and I guess it has always been that way looking back on it. He has kind of been the normalish one of us and I am proud of him. He stuck to himself a lot, studied hard in college and made his way. He is a fellow nerd and so he usually is my Marvel movie buddy or xbox party member hahaha. My full brother was the troublemaker, most families have one I guess haha. I have been the support for him for as long as I can remember. I remember sleeping by the door when he ran away, hoping he would come back home. Or hoping he did not overdose and needed his stomach pumped again…. Mind you I was only like 10 when these things started happening. Pretty serious things for a young gal to try to understand and navigate the feelings associated with it. This came in waves and when I entered high school, he was sentenced to prison. I have seen enough prisons, both minimum and maximum to last me a lifetime. Putting together care packages and supporting him the best I could was all I could do. We would visit when we can but it was mentally and emotionally draining for me. I would do nothing but sleep the rest of the day. This was our interactions for several years, paid calls, exhausting trips and trying to encourage him to get back on the right path – which he did! Mind you, in his case while it sounds like he is terrible, he got hung up in a bad crowd and everything caught up with him. He is a good person, I think a stigma comes with that as well – he has always been good to me, in the best way he could. If he listened to anyone, it was me – my parents reminded me of this when I needed to remind him to get his head out of his ass :).

Eventually, he did. I think our growing up had a lot to do with how he spiraled out of control. He did not take well to my father pushing us aside and in terms of coping skills….not so much. I am proud to say that he did his time, which was way too long. He came out a better person, he has been on the straight and narrow ever since. Now married and living with his wife and her 2 kids. He really has amazed me.

So, as you can see – I never really had too close of a family. We lacked a lot of the qualities that families should have… if that is even a thing now? I look at my parents, whether it is their robotic ways, misguided priorities and just still wonder after all this shit and my genes…how did I end up this way?

How am I the opposite of most of them? A real black sheep of the family if you will. You would think that with the things that I have experienced, I would have turned cold because that is what I am used to and probably would have been easier than dealing with all of these feelings since I was young. To loop around to the beginning of my story, I am often told that “I care too much” or I am “too nice.” That I also let people take advantage of me, but perhaps it’s because I am used to seeing so much negative growing up, I try to find the positive in everything, I give second chances and love others too hard at times. I live by the phrases, you never know what others are going through so it’s best to be kind, even if they are not to you and to also be careful what you say, especially in anger because once it’s out, you cannot take it back.

While I take my 3 pills at night to help my anxiety and depression that has plagued me since I was 16, pop vitamin D when it’s raining for days because I just “cannot deal” with it, continue therapy on a biweekly schedule, suffer from some trust issues, live with the double edged sword of – slow to anger, sleep for days and withdraw at times… I guess I turned out okay? I am glad that I am not a cold person…especially when life has given me every reason to be.

If you made it here, congrats! Thank you for listening to my ramblings/thoughts about family and life. This has been sitting in my drafts for about a week. I have tweaked it a bit and really sat on whether I wanted to post this. It is very open, raw and quite gloomy haha. I am not sure if you will be able to take anything from this, but it was therapeutic for me. So thank you for your support.

Also remember that you are loved, worthy and special humans, I hope you a great day!

Xoxo,

Kat

Monday coffee fueled thoughts! 

Hello friends & happy Monday!

null

Tis a grey, gloomy day in Columbus, OH. I have thrown down my vitamin d gummies (like a REAL adult..ahem) and currently enjoying a large coffee. Essentially with that combo, I should be ready to take on the world soon!

How was everyone’s weekend? Did you do anything new or exciting?

I did a lot of “adulting” things I guess you could say – I am all caught up on laundry and cleaning. There is something so soothing about a clean space, I need to stay on top of it more…. Cluttered space = cluttered mind and I say NO MORE!

I am feeling better emotionally this week – knock on wood. I am hoping to keep it that way. Thanks again for all your support last week friends ❤ you are the best! I did not realize that I needed a damn battle helmet to start/get through last week. Had I known, I would have worn it with pride…and accessorized it accordingly.

With all of last week’s aftermath still floating around in my head, I am thinking about trying to expand my self-care list. Mine is rather small and includes: basking in sun when available in Ohio and blanket cocooning with Netflix playing in the background to recharge. I clearly need to try some more options, before I turn into a full blown hermit! So with that that in mind, What is your favorite self care tip/activity?? Hopefully by sharing, we will all try something new!


I hope everyone has a great start to the week, talk to you soon!

❤️❤️❤️

What does anxiety feel like?

Hello friends 🙂

Things have calmed a little on my end. I have nothing really new to report. After having a two day spat, I’m trying to take in the good. 

Anyway, with this past week – I have struggled with my anxiety and insomnia a great deal. One of my friends had asked “what does your anxiety attacks feel like?” Or essentially, how do I feel when I have these rough patches if you will. I reflected in how I was feeling and this is how I explained it:

My chest feels tore open, set a flame that spreads up to my neck. Nausea takes over and I cannot eat. I also have short breath and lightheadedness. 

How do you describe your experiences with extreme anxiety? I try my best to use breathing techniques but it’s difficult when it gets to that level. 

Tonight’s post is short and sweet, hopefully after a good night of trazodone induced sleep – I will be back full swing. 

Thanks for stopping by and for all your support, love and advice this last week. 

❤️❤️

Dear Sundays, I hate you. 

Hello my friends❤️

It is Sunday and I have spent my day wrapped in a blanket with lazy dogs surrounding me. I just hate the dread of going back to work tomorrow – ugh. Anyway , I hope all of you had a great weekend and that you all are doing well!

Let’s see… a life recap, I really suffered after my therapy appointment. I was struggling before it and then I just fell flat on my face. I am learning to add more to my self care regiment and trying to be less critical of myself – whew! It’s hard to set new habits, so here’s to success (hopefully).

I did hear from Caterpillar, things seem to be going better for him and us together. I’m trying to keep positive for myself, him and “us” or OK insert whatever the best word to describe us here. Love is such a difficult thing and only we know what’s best for us. So I am hanging in there for now and we will see how it goes. I am a little guarded while we go through this patch together..Ish. Depression – you are a bitch. 

I’m going to bounce back to post therapy appointment really quick…I did end up taking a day off work after my therapy appointment even, I received texts from coworkers asking why I was out. In these cases, I don’t know what to say…. Throwing out that I was so depressed, that the thought of getting out of bed to conversate with humans – made me want to stab my eyes out ….. Probably wouldn’t have been well received haha. Have any of you experienced this? What did you say? Or how did you handle those questions during your down time if you will? 

Also one more very important question… What is your current Netflix or Hulu show of choice at the moment? I am in a rut and need some new show ideas! 

Thank you for dropping by, this one wasn’t too exciting – I am still recovering I think.  I should be back on my feet within a couple days.  Can’t wait to hear from you! 

❤️

28 going on 40!? Today was therapy day.  

Hello friends 👋🏻

I had therapy today. I found a wonderful therapist last year, so it’s not nearly as painful as it once was. I think that is key – honestly. Find your match if you will ☺️. I did and find it super helpful and recommend it. If you just need that one unbiased person to help you soul searching and battle things you didn’t even know – give it a try. 

The only downside to this, each session leaves me drained. It takes everything out of me but I guess that’s the point eh? Purge your damn soul to this person, who in turn asks hard questions about YOU. Which makes me so uncomfortable. I have no problem focusing on anyone  else, taking care of people is what I call my super power. 

Anyway I wanted to touch base with my followers but I’m struggling to be witty at the moment so I will switch to listing the good, the bad and the ugly of my day 🙏🏻. 

The Good:

  • I was told I have a soul of a 40 something. I find this endearing for some reason. Lol. 
  • I was not late for work today – winning. 
  • Work went by quickly and without issue. 
  • Had therapy for the first time in a while. 
  • I was told I was funny. 
  • Job. Dogs.  Roof over my head 

The Bad:

  • Had therapy today. It leaves me drained. 
  • I’m dreading 29 reallllllllly bad right now. It’s almost 30 and I feel more alone than ever. When I wish I just had someone to battle the world next to me. 
  • It has been raining for days. 
  • I’m struggling with a lot of me actually. Which was a topic at  therapy,I need to try to be more gentle with myself. I apparently judge myself too harshly. Upon  reflection, she is probably right. 

The Ugly:

  • I haven’t heard from Caterpillar, this has been one of our longest stretches. So I have to figure that out and what I need to do for me. 
  • When my therapist asked me what are some things that I love about me, I couldn’t come up with anything. But I told her without sun and current low  feeling, I would have no issue with this. I love me honestly, even though it seems dark right now. 
  • Fighting the feeling that “everyone leaves me” – easier said than done. 
  • Perhaps I love too much. Do I change? Idk.  

Well. Sorry this wasn’t as cheery as I hoped, I have some reflection and homework to.  Thanks for stopping by and if you’re feeling low as well – Hang in there and I will too! *Hugs*

More cheer and updates to come. Thanks so for hanging in there with me all. 

❤️

Oh, hello rabbit hole. It’s been a while…

Hello rabbit hole – I need to climb up.

I have been struggling to put my thoughts together over the past few days…

Some other things that I have noticed over the past month: I don’t play music when I drive, or when ride the bus or during work my 9-5.

My bed feels like the only safe place. I struggle to get though the day, come home to my three obnoxious dogs. I take care of them and sometimes myself…then retreat to comfy clothes and cocoon in a blanket. Every day.

I don’t eat three meals or drink any water. I’m lucky to get one decent meal in       to be honest. Some days it may just be a cliff bar.

Self care? Forget it. I don’t think I’ve brushed my hair in three days. So…

I guess before I knew it, I slipped, fell and landed head first into the bottom of the rabbit hole… Or depression if you will. 

Of course post breakup or whatever you want to call it – these things are natural. Staying in bed, not eating or over eating when I do. Then before I knew it, a month went by. That’s right, it has officially been a month.

It seems like it drug by, but honestly we all know a month is not a lot of time. I have stayed in contact with Caterpillar (to view that saga – see my post “Depression within relationships…) when he initiates and things were going so well, that I even stayed with him during one of his hard days last week. Other days, I’m not so strong. I knew it would be hard…but some days – whew. I still have faith and even more than I did before but on these off days, it just feels tiring to be strong for two if you will.

Anyway, I’m susceptible to depression. It’s been legit freezing outside or rainy and it just helps me slip into that mode with ease. I do keep up on my meds and avoid alcohol during these times. Alcohol when I’m depressed – eh takes me to a very dark place that’s takes me like 3 days to recover. Does anyone else have this problem??

So in efforts to dig myself out of this hole and focus on gratitude and self care… I was thinking about starting a bullet journal. I jus don’t know where to start…

BuzzFeed posted this article that inspired me and included everything that I think may be helpful.

Do any of you use any of the topics included in the article? Do you have any product suggestions? Thoughts? Advice!? Words of encouragement!?

Thanks so much for reading through my cluster thoughts and being the awesome readers/friends that you are.

Xoxo,

62f9bbbb-e173-485a-b715-f617f4b92791-1

 

P.S. – The featured photo is from this evening…when I ordered pizza for my feelings and asked them to surprise me with something written inside the box 😂❤️. It’s the little things right?

Depression within Relationships and Hope? 🙇🏻‍♀️

As I have mentioned before, I suffer from anxiety and depression. As someone who has dealt with this for many years, it’s deeply comforting to meet someone “who gets it” especially if that person happens to eventually become your significant other.

I met a lovely man whom I will call… Caterpillar. There is a story behind that but hey, that’s not the point of this post.

Caterpillar also suffered from depression and anxiety so he “got it.” He understood my anxious days or lower days because he has suffers from them too. It felt like he understood me better than myself most days. That feeling is, earth shattering. Before I knew it, I felt a little less guarded and cared for this Caterpillar very much.

He didn’t scream at me to get over it, shut me out and leave when I had bad anxiety days. Not like what I had to deal with in the past. I was with someone for 5 years and he never understood me quite like Caterpillar. Even though we both had bad breakups, we fell into whatever you want to call it…

However….

Here is the thing with two individuals who suffer from these mental issues… No one responds or handles things the same. So yes, we did have some bumps in the road as you could imagine. While I like to be with my loved one on bad days, he wanted to be alone. Thats just how it was. So fast forward through our days of being inseparable and acting like kids in love in toy isles… Which is a literal statement 🙏🏻.

The day came, winter was especially hard on us. I combat the lack of sun with vitamin d supplements and try to keep going. He, took it harder and eventually there came a day where he said his depression got to a level that concerned him and that he needed time to focus on himself and figure a few things out alone.

Again, I would want someone to be beside me in these cases and have before. He obviously wanted to be alone, which was not out of character for him.  I didn’t understand it, but respected it.

While I looked for any reason for this to make sense in my raging anxious mind, which irritated him. It wasn’t me, it was him needing time to sort through  things,go to the doc and do it alone. I just needed to understand that.

It was/is hard. I saw this man almost every day per his own requests – I didn’t push or was the overbearing woman – in any way and we had the best of times. We were fine the day before, so this was a bit of a blindsided situation.

I tried my best to try to be apart of his life because from what he was telling me, he was in a dark place and I am a bleeding heart for the ones I care about. He still needed his space. So… I somehow found the strength to not text him unless he initiated it.

Which he did and still does…even though he wanted to fully disconnect. Which helped me hanging to hope. Now here is the real portion of the post that I want you to focus on – the back story was important but my cry for help if you will or looking for thoughts on hope.

This man has never lied to me in any way and I trust him 100% and I saw with my own eyes, his struggle. He wasn’t just using this for an excuse to leave. If that was the case, why still keep in contact at all. Which we have had over the past month – a couple days may go by but he always touches base with me. I have also seen him cut off people who brought negativity in his life and yet he hasn’t done that to me.

My friends and family seem to have an issue with me still responding to him… Still having hope. Here is the thing, they dont suffer from mental illness. They don’t understand it at all really, so I feel it’s easy for them to say: you need to cut all ties and move on.

I have been in a dark place. I know what it’s like to feel self hatred, confusion, anxiety and struggling to get out of bed. They don’t.

So here I am. I’m still holding on to hope and he stated he has hope as well but he didn’t want me to wait around because  “it wasn’t fair to me.” To me, that’s my choice but he didn’t see it that way.

So here is my question for people who are in relationships where one or both of you have depression and/or anxiety….

  • Have you ever been pushed away? If so, did you hang in there?
  • Did you have people call you weak or essentially made you feel silly for holding on to hope?
  • What advice do you have for me!?

I feel very alone in my case and hope to hear some thoughts from you.

Happy Monday everyone and I hope you have a great start to your week!

Sending lots of love and good vibes ❤️

Xoxo,


**Sorry for any mass typos that may be here! I struggled to open up about this and then it just flowed 🙏🏻