Monday coffee, birthday weekend recap and my stand off with the Foul Fowl 🦃

 

Good evening  friends & happy Monday to all of you! I have been away for a few days – so lets catch up shall we!?

Friday: I took my lovely puppers to the dog park in the evening, we all made some new friends – with and without fur. There is nothing quite like watching your once anxiety ridden dog play without fear and greet the occasional human – Sydney has been a work in progress since I got her in 2013? So proud dog mom moment :). Then the rain came and I had to pack up the pups and head home :). Ordered Chinese, started a Netflix binge – then BAM the storm knocked out my electric for… like 4 damn hours. Fun fact, I cannot sleep in a dead quiet home. I just can’t relax enough to sleep…also heard from Caterpillar during this black out but that is for another day….maybe.

Saturday: The Golden Birthday had arrived and I was quite exhausted and definitely too sleep deprived to get my photo taken for my ID…but such is life lol. After a nice leisurely hour, waiting to give the BMV all my monies – I finally got the adult portion of the day out of the way! VICTORY! So off to go do some crafty things with my friend P who also brought a lovely cake and flowers for my birthday – very sweet. She found a local painting place, so we found some cute ceramics and began painting, I chose a cute little gnome – I will make sure to share him after he is fired and looking fabulous in his colorful attire. Ironically, I did not see the name of the green that I chose for his coat right away… turns out it was called “jaded” so there is that…ahem… LOL. Anyway, we then had lunch and back to the homestead for this gal – I bought Barley a new toy  while I was out too! So I was happy to give that to him…for the 2 seconds that he had it, then Syd took it, ah siblings! I finished my evening with a ladies night in – wine, brownies, dog cuddles (true introvert moment – go to a party, love on the dog!) and great conversations – it was a good day after all. After much anticipation and excessive worry, I made it. Hello 29, here we go!! <– Still a little anxious haha.

Sunday: I slept in. I was lazy until I was forced to move and go to my fathers. He was making me a birthday dinner, so of course I had to go. I think I may have rolled out of my bed (aka: nest) around 2pm. This is what happens when you turn 29 apparently haha. Since my father lives in a farm house with yard to roam, I always load up a pup, oe two…or 3. In this instance I tried all 3, this was the first time trying to cram all 3 fifty-ish pound dogs…in my civic. Just try and picture that. Luckily, the blind pupper Ana, curls up in the passenger seat next to me and naps the entire time, the other two hang out the rear windows – slobber and fur flying everywhere, an image of pure bliss. I wish I was that happy all the time – yeeesh!

It turns out my father recently acquired a turkey. Yes, a live, waddling and terrifying turkey. I must have forgotten this little fact because judging by the size of this feathered BEAST – it clearly was an adult?

I am going to be honest with you, outside of my backyard avian friends…I don’t give a shit about birds. They terrify me. I mentioned in one of my previous posts about a couple interactions with these creatures that resulted in a few trust issues and what I would assume is a small form of PTSD.

I was greeted by this large, white mass of feathers. Yes, greeted. I rolled up dogs hanging out windows, loving life to face this… thing.

I refused to get out of my car.

In fact, I am glad to be here typing this today.  SO…I eased my little Civic to the safest place to park while I came up with my master plan.

Another fun fact: Sydney loves to chase the chickens (gotta love border collie mixes), when she saw this thing she CLEARLY wanted the challenge. The drool became excessive. I had to try to get her back inside the safe car, so I could roll up the windows… meanwhile this thing sang what I assume is its “war gobble” while staring into my soul, mocking me with its extensive wing flaps.

Image result for big turkey meme
This meme accurately showcases my turkey nemesis

So there I sat. I watched him slowly stalk around a bit, taking his sweet turkey time all the while trying to talk Sydney – the fierce bird chaser off the ledge. I just simply had to tell her… “Sydney, you do not want to go paw to claw with this one. You will get eaten, Ana will get scooped up and I will probably die some how in some tragic burst of feathers while the victorious bird drives off in my Civic.” As if Sydney understood any of this…

Yes, my friends that is where my crazy mind went to haha. Now, we waited. All dogs accounted for, it was a waiting game and perhaps dare I say a game of chicken and I was losing. It seemed like forever, but the turkey finally moved past my car, occasionally gobbling about – still mocking me strutting away to the barn. 

It was my chance. I quickly leashed up Sydney to protect her from doing anything crazy, like running towards the beast and losing an eye. Two blind dogs was not on my list post birthday. So I coaxed Barley and Ana and gently tugged Sydney inside the farm house as fast as my two legs and 12 paws would allow. Whew. The look on my father’s face said it all, I clearly looked terrified and as I explain my surprise of said bulbous turkey – he laughed.  

Thanks Dad. Way to laugh at your scared daughter and her crazy dog pack. 

So. After a few steady breaths, I released Syd and let the other pups roam the house – looking for scraps and pets. Dinner ended up being lovely, smoked ribs and corn – life couldn’t get any better for me. I passed on the salad… However, I want to note that during my meal on the porch,  I saw white fucker strut into my peripherals…He hunkered down and watched me. CLEARLY looking for round two. No mister Foul Fowl, not today. So I did what any logical adult would to, terrified of birds… I waited him out again. As soon as he went into his little home area/coop/war bunker, I waved goodbye to my father and encouraged my pups to play chase….Into the car. We drove off, without a…scratch and all accounted for – I’m just not sure if we will be visiting anytime soon 😂🦃. 

So that was my birthday weekend. It was low key, filled with love from few and survived Battle of the Turkey. 

How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting? Do you have ridiculous fears as well?? 

Thank you for all the birthday wishes as well! Barley and I appreciated the kind words and love! 

xoxo,

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My endometriosis story 💛

Hello friends!

As my lovely followers, you know that I suffer from mental health issues. I have opened up with my story a little bit regarding my struggles with them but my topic today is something that I haven’t really dabbled into and is another silent disease called: endometriosis. The link provided is from The Endometriosis Foundation of America and has some great information if you are interested in learning more.  

My story:

I will never forget in January 2013, I was suffering from some severe pain in my left , lower side. I have suffered from pain each month, to a point that pain killers did not even touch the pain that I felt. So, I did not think too much about it and thought it would pass, I took some medication and went about Fuckboy’s work holiday party, I simply did not have time for this and so I sucked it up, shook hands with the bosses, smiled and chatted with their wives and tried to force the pain down a river of endless beer.

It did not help. In fact, the pain progressed over the weekend.

I somehow made it through the dreadful weekend, called my doctor first thing in the morning on Monday to be seen. Surprisingly, I was able to get in quickly if I remember correctly, but my wonderful and caring doctor dismissed my concerns initially because “I looked fine.” I appeared to not be in pain in her eyes, luckily she still took the time to do a physical exam. Where I squirmed and yelped in agony as she prodded my ovaries.

“Oh, I guess you are in pain” as she continues her cold hearted prodding to my raging insides.

She finished the exam and suggested that I get an ultrasound. She suggested that it may be a cyst. However, since they are so common and typically go away on their own, she was not too concerned; but she did go ahead, and get the ultrasound scheduled for me. Gee thanks doc for listening to me…ahem.

So this is where things started to take a turn, I was able to go to a local branch to get the ultrasound done the next day I believe (by chance). However, this time I had to drink my body weight in water beforehand and hold it for this type of ultrasound…..you could say, I was about to get up close and personal with this ultrasound tech and her not so magical wand. I did not even get dinner or even a damn lollipop post session. She was nice  though, so I guess that is all I could ask for…and perhaps a hug or additional therapy.

It turns out, I did in fact have a cyst. It was one that was solid versus the “typical ” fluid filled kind. Now, things were rushed. I was referred to a specialist/local OBGYN to evaluate and treat asap. 

We all know that I suffer from anxiety, so as you could imagine, I was internally losing my mind. What is this elusive mass on my ovary and how dare it! Causing me great pain, moving in and taking over my lady organs without paying rent or giving back at all. Quite frankly, it was just rude!

So on to the next appointment and another ultrasound…ugh. Dr. Chan diagnosed me with an endometrioma or also known as: chocolate cysts or blood cysts. At the time, she wanted to try the wait and see game. I would have a repeat ulrtrasound in about a month to see if it shrank on its own. In the meantime, I got a full blood panel done because since this was a more solid mass, scary terms like mass and cancer was being passed around. “While unlikely, it is best that we take these tests to rule out any additional concerns.”

I took a deep breath and agreed to the tests.

Listen guys, I don’t handle medical needles well. I have tattoos, mostly where I did not watch them drill my skin and for a reason. Watching someone draw my blood, especially several vials – I was feeling severely overwhelmed, anxious, and terrified. It seems that I was right over the years but here is the thing – endometriosis can only be “officially” diagnosed through surgery. While this was on the list of possibilities. I was hoping this asshole cyst would go away on its own. 

A month down the  line, the pain persisted and when it was time for my next  ultrasound, my cyst grew to the size similar to a baseball, just a little bigger. It was time to really talk about surgery. 

I spent the month between appointments researching endometriosis and what that would mean for me. I have always wanted children and I was with my long term boyfriend at the  time who also wanted children one day. How would I talk to him about this? How can I accept this? Engagement was coming close and hearing this information threw me into a depression. 

I will never forget speaking to Dr. Chan, in her little private office about the surgery. Recovery and what I wanted for my future. Worst case, she needed to know if she needed to try to save an ovary if I wanted children .  

I was 24, going on 25. Sitting alone, planning a surgery that may impact my distant life. 

I choked  out, what were the odds that my fertility would be impacted. There is no simple answer for that. 

Some people have little endo and experience great pain and fertility issues, some do not. Others have severe endo and still have babies. She would not know the severity of mine until she went in to remove my cyst and we wouldn’t know how my fertility was impacted until I were to actually start trying. 

Ideally, it’s best to try right after the surgery since the adhesions would be removed from my organs.  Again, at 25 and where I was at in life, it wasn’t going to happen. 

So then comes the thoughts – how could a man love me? Would my then significant other run for the hills? How would I bring up the topic to any future lovers. I mean, I don’t know  myself, but when do you insert the statement “oh hey, I’m not sure sure what you were feeling here…But if you want  children with me, I need you to know there may be complications.” 

Does that come after drinks a year down the line. Is that something that should be covered sooner so no one gets upset or too attached?

**I had not been had the surgery yet mind you. This was just flying through my head on my drive home, to my then boyfriend and tell him the plan and news.**

Surgery day  came, I was hangry and ready to vomit the bile that was the only thing left in my stomach. With no food after midnight and my surgery pushed to 12p. Whew. All I could think about was food. 

When the dreaded time came, I was sent off from a few loved ones and I was out before I knew it. 

I woke up  groggy, in pain and of course the news that endometriosis was indeed found. She lasered all that she could and successfully removed my cyst without having to remove any additional organs. I still had two ovaries – thank god. 

Recovery was slow. I could not wear real pants for like a month and time around the house left time to continue into a black spiral of  “being a broken woman, that no one could love long term.” 

I had a supportive partner at the time or so I thought. I sometimes wonder that if possible fertility issues was part of the reason he up and left before the wedding. But hey, we won’t spend another second on him. 

Time went on, I grew to accept that my window of “ideal” procreation came and went. I grew older and went through periods of acceptance, anger, back to depression and also periods of  “I could be just fine!”

But I have generalized anxiety and we like to cover all the grounds 😂. Post surgery, I had to start taking a continuous regimen of birth control pills to try to control symptoms of endometriosis. 

It’s been about 5 years since then and that’s kind of been the course. But now I’m facing 29, with those scary thoughts and have a sort of significant other?? 😂😳

I’m still terrified. I still wonder if I will ever  be a mother or if I would have to adopt or just be a dog family. I guess time will tell. 

The scary thing about endometriosis is that it can go untreated for many years, women suffer in agony before many take them seriously – this includes medical professionals.  It is very similar to my experiences with mental illness. Others do not see an open wound on your arm and it doesn’t exist. Or it’s not as “serious” as you claim.  

It is truly heartbreaking that this is the case, because it can impact many aspects of a woman’s life in the current and future. 

I leave you with this, I ask you to educate yourself if you do not know much about endometriosis and share that information with others. The more attention that is brought to the disease, the more hope we can have for the  future!

I hope you enjoyed my post or learned a thing or two. I encourage you to take a look around and if you are having symptoms or have a friend, family member or loved one with these symptoms, support them ❤️. 

If you have  any questions,or have a story of your own, I would love to hear it!

Xoxo,

Fun fact Friday! A little more about me! 

Friday Fun Facts About Me!

Hello friends and happy Friday! 

I was thinking about today’s post and there was something about “fun fact Friday” that called out to me. While looking or some prompts, I found this lovely blog from Thought Catalog: “50 questions to ask a girl, if you want to know who she really is.

I thought it was a great list and will help give you guys a little more information about me! Win win! So here we go:

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

  • Something that made me stronger was…when my ex of almost 6 years, whom I was engaged to up and left me the first week of December in 2015. We had just purchased a house, had 2 dogs and everything was going well – as far as I knew. We had been friends for 12 years and most of those he was my “best friend.” Having to gather the strength to become a single home owner, care for myself, the pups and figure out how I was going to afford life with my income was a huge hurdle. He also did not tell his parents, so when Christmas came around and they were expecting us, I got the call from his mother…which I had to tell her. I had to tell everyone, his family, mine and friends. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through and yet, I was kind to him…for a while J. Abandonment is hard – without closure and having to handle everything on my own, including calling the wedding vendors (thanks for those non-refundable deposits guys)! Ugh! He also left everything of his, so I got to pack and sort it all….donated a lot and got a few bucks from selling his things after his “notice” came and went. I am much stronger than I thought I could ever be, but I still have a few trust issues till this day. They are getting better but – that fear is still there.

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

  • The above situation made me feel very weak, but also having men still break up with me or leave me post that incident makes me feel weak, like something is wrong with me. At the end of the day, I know I did the best I could but those days do come from time to time.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

  • Curled up in a blanket in my home or with my loved one.

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

  • Home, bookstore, craft stores, cuddling with pups, walking in nature and cuddling with my other….or whatever he is.

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?

  • Most of my life, I had to be independent or the “adult”. I am the one that my family (including parents) comes to in a crisis and always been that way. Same with my friends so honestly, I am who I am today because of me really. My mother taught me the importance of a credit score when I was like 12 so I can thank her for that I guess J.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

  • I wish that I could vocalize my feelings more efficiently…or understand my own thoughts and emotions better. That way I can express them to the ones who may be causing me stress. I feel that most of the time when I try, I do not get my point across or they just do not understand…or I end up leaving out parts or words and it’s just a mess haha. I can understand and assist others no problem, I just have issues with me.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

  • Go to a beach

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

  • This is a tough one; I have an old soul for sure. Perhaps the 50s?

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

  • My family is not really a “close” family if you will. If I had to pick one, my oldest brother.

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

  • My therapist 😀 haha um that is a tough one as well…not too many people know everything about me, I am pretty private and only share certain things with certain people – know your audience! If I had to pick someone, it was probably my ex-fiancé, with that much history, he knew everything about my crazy self and complicated family.

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

  • That she is opposite of me, she is an extrovert, bold and forward, it’s a good balance.

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

  • Well known photographer, I wanted nothing more than to capture motocross action shots (I have been riding dirt bikes since I was 5) or nature.

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?

  • A mix of Tina, Louise & Linda Belcher from Bob’s Burgers 

14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?

  • They are really nice to hear because I am really hard on myself but I just don’t know what to say…. usually an awkward “thank you” with some weird nonsense follow up. I wish I was better at them haha.

15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?

  • I have struggled with this but with the support of my fellow blog fam & a few close people supporting the idea…I love that I am a bleeding heart. I will do literally anything/anytime/any place for the few close to me. I will continue to give limitless love and support for my small circle. While they are not the same and it is not as accepted, I am happy to say at the end of each day – that I did my best for whomever.

16. What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?

  • I have grayish eyes

17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?

  • See question #15!

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

  • Love is such a complex thing. It involves humans who come with their own shit and backgrounds that love at first sight does not fit in my world. I am a HUGE hopeless romantic, don’t get me wrong there…but love takes time. You have to find that person who balances you and stays next to you on the wild roller coaster of life. I feel there can be a connection but not love at first sight.

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

  • Ah, a good question Thought Catalog! I blogged about this previously, I do not fully believe in soul mates – again love is complex. As unromantic as it is, love is hard work and a choice to me. Find that partner in crime that best fits you or “your kind of crazy” and you are good to go J.

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

  • I don’t really take them seriously. I will check mine every once in a while out of curiosity but to me they are all very vague and depending on your mood – no matter what they say, you will find something to identify with if you are looking for something in particular. I will say traits of my sign if you will are more relatable. Apparently my Taurus stubbornness is a real thing haha.

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

  • I think love is different at various life stages. I have been in love and I am one to love easily and hard for ones I feel that connection with… so I would say I have been in love a couple times at different levels. One time at a very deep level…eh!

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

  • I tell people that I fall in love with souls. Some of my friends are more into the physical aspect, I am more on the side of: if we connect on a level and I feel comfortable to be myself 100% I will love harder than anything in this world. Example, if he gets my anxiety and weird quirks without running away and if they have them too!? That level of understanding and acceptance is love to me.

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

  • Opening up to someone 100%, without fear of judgment of your past, family issues, your habits, passion, falling in love with someone so deeply that they have the ability to crush you…but trust they wont.

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?

  • What do you love about me? The fear is the reply will be an awkward pause and nothing really came to mind.

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?

  • I really have no idea on this one? I guess

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?

  • Men– Their strength yet their ability to be vulnerable at times, Women – Their strength as well but with the ability that some can do it in 5 inch heels!

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?

  • I love to learn in general… music, backgrounds, religions, coping skills, hobbies etc. anything and everything.

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?

  • Move to a warmer state or have a warm get-away home

29. Why haven’t you done it yet?

  • Money! One day!

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

  • Open my own coffee shop

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?

  • Sleep in and hibernate from the snow!!

32. What was the last thing that made you cry?

  • Feeling lonely and unloved

33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

  • A dog pun from Caterpillar

34. What is your favorite memory?

  • Humm… I will get back to you on  this one!

35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?

  • My friend was starting a new yoga class and me being the hater of exercise decided to send a meme of yoga poses with “new names” if you will. For example, the one I told her that I related to and the only one I really paid attention to on the chart of like 9 was the “murder victim.” This pose is the one where you are laying down and looks like a stellar napping pose. Well, it turns out the 2 directly above it, that I somehow did not focus on were called: The Crotch Opener and the Suck my D*** Pose. When she replied with “oh my…” I rechecked my meme and about died. That was HORRIBLY crass…my bad. Lesson of the day, read the entire thing before sending off hahaha.

36. What is your biggest fear?

  • Currently: never getting married or having a life partner to share life with or have a family with. 

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?

  • Humm I try not to think on regrets, everything shapes us – right?!

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?

  • Nothing outside of traffic violations

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

  • I try to play life safe…but my back is pretty much covered in tattoos. To some that is crazy, other than that taking on massive hills on dirt bikes for years.

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

  • I am kind of a shy gal, I will chat occasionally but I keep to myself

41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?

  • Yes because I would want someone to tell me!

42. What’s your favorite joke?

  • I do not really have one, I just like puns haha

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

  • Dog

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

  • Red Panda or Koala

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

  • I have watch Gossip Girl occasionally on Netflix…

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

  • Quiet/shy

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?

  • 27 so I could tell that mofo “no” so I could have avoided a huge disaster

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?

  • That we have connections with people/souls love certain souls more than others

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

  • I embrace my inner child and encourage others to do so too. Life is too stressful at times not to. 

50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?

  • Stability, I just don’t feel it that much anymore. Granted I have a great job that supports my little home and 3 pups, has great insurance and I am able to pay my bills etc. However, I just feel like I am missing that person in my life that would fight for me, like I do them.

 

Dear Sundays, I hate you. 

Hello my friends❤️

It is Sunday and I have spent my day wrapped in a blanket with lazy dogs surrounding me. I just hate the dread of going back to work tomorrow – ugh. Anyway , I hope all of you had a great weekend and that you all are doing well!

Let’s see… a life recap, I really suffered after my therapy appointment. I was struggling before it and then I just fell flat on my face. I am learning to add more to my self care regiment and trying to be less critical of myself – whew! It’s hard to set new habits, so here’s to success (hopefully).

I did hear from Caterpillar, things seem to be going better for him and us together. I’m trying to keep positive for myself, him and “us” or OK insert whatever the best word to describe us here. Love is such a difficult thing and only we know what’s best for us. So I am hanging in there for now and we will see how it goes. I am a little guarded while we go through this patch together..Ish. Depression – you are a bitch. 

I’m going to bounce back to post therapy appointment really quick…I did end up taking a day off work after my therapy appointment even, I received texts from coworkers asking why I was out. In these cases, I don’t know what to say…. Throwing out that I was so depressed, that the thought of getting out of bed to conversate with humans – made me want to stab my eyes out ….. Probably wouldn’t have been well received haha. Have any of you experienced this? What did you say? Or how did you handle those questions during your down time if you will? 

Also one more very important question… What is your current Netflix or Hulu show of choice at the moment? I am in a rut and need some new show ideas! 

Thank you for dropping by, this one wasn’t too exciting – I am still recovering I think.  I should be back on my feet within a couple days.  Can’t wait to hear from you! 

❤️

Oh, hello rabbit hole. It’s been a while…

Hello rabbit hole – I need to climb up.

I have been struggling to put my thoughts together over the past few days…

Some other things that I have noticed over the past month: I don’t play music when I drive, or when ride the bus or during work my 9-5.

My bed feels like the only safe place. I struggle to get though the day, come home to my three obnoxious dogs. I take care of them and sometimes myself…then retreat to comfy clothes and cocoon in a blanket. Every day.

I don’t eat three meals or drink any water. I’m lucky to get one decent meal in       to be honest. Some days it may just be a cliff bar.

Self care? Forget it. I don’t think I’ve brushed my hair in three days. So…

I guess before I knew it, I slipped, fell and landed head first into the bottom of the rabbit hole… Or depression if you will. 

Of course post breakup or whatever you want to call it – these things are natural. Staying in bed, not eating or over eating when I do. Then before I knew it, a month went by. That’s right, it has officially been a month.

It seems like it drug by, but honestly we all know a month is not a lot of time. I have stayed in contact with Caterpillar (to view that saga – see my post “Depression within relationships…) when he initiates and things were going so well, that I even stayed with him during one of his hard days last week. Other days, I’m not so strong. I knew it would be hard…but some days – whew. I still have faith and even more than I did before but on these off days, it just feels tiring to be strong for two if you will.

Anyway, I’m susceptible to depression. It’s been legit freezing outside or rainy and it just helps me slip into that mode with ease. I do keep up on my meds and avoid alcohol during these times. Alcohol when I’m depressed – eh takes me to a very dark place that’s takes me like 3 days to recover. Does anyone else have this problem??

So in efforts to dig myself out of this hole and focus on gratitude and self care… I was thinking about starting a bullet journal. I jus don’t know where to start…

BuzzFeed posted this article that inspired me and included everything that I think may be helpful.

Do any of you use any of the topics included in the article? Do you have any product suggestions? Thoughts? Advice!? Words of encouragement!?

Thanks so much for reading through my cluster thoughts and being the awesome readers/friends that you are.

Xoxo,

62f9bbbb-e173-485a-b715-f617f4b92791-1

 

P.S. – The featured photo is from this evening…when I ordered pizza for my feelings and asked them to surprise me with something written inside the box 😂❤️. It’s the little things right?

Do you believe in soulmates? 

I believe in a thing called looovvveeee – just not your typical “soulmate.”

Hello all! 

Sorry I have been away for a couple days, I ended up with a stomach bug 🤢😰 and just now feeling human! 

So today’s post is something that has been in the back of my mind for the past few days. My friend and I were on the phone catching up on life and of course, relationships came up. She asked me a very interesting question: 

Do I believe in soulmates? 

I thought about it for a minute and replied, “no.”

Now, before you gasp or think “wow this gal is jaded!” Or maybe you’re agreeing with me – sorry for jumping there! 

To me “soulmates” have been made up through media as you two meet, fall in love immediately, frolic through a meadow of fabulous flowers, never fight, never disagree, get married, everyone is happy, healthy and live happily ever after – without a bump in the road. Everything is just “perfect.”

Let’s be honest, humans are messy. Life is very messy and it seems to only get more complicated as the years go by…or as I continue through adult life. 

I continued on with my friend – stating that: we as humans are so complex, we all differ, handle stress differently, come from all sorts of backgrounds and always learning. Life is not skipping through roses hand in hand. Ideally, we just want someone who is not going to give up on us. Someone who is on your team no matter what life throws at both of you.

This chat also reminded me of another conversation that I had with my married friend. Some random weekend chatter between gals, she came out and said that she felt that she and her then fiancé were not perfect, but they made a great team. 

At that time I felt, wow that is not quite romance haha.  The more I thought of it over the years and with the recent soulmate chat – while not sprinkled with romance, it was real and true. 

Now don’t get me wrong, give a gal some romance every now and again – sure. However, at the end of the day, in our messy lives, or time of crisis or pain – even if the person may quirks that drive you nuts most days – if they prove to be next to you at the end of those crappy days, battling with you or someone who helps make a plan when you cannot even think…a perfect life teammate if you will. That is what you need. 

Perhaps that is a soulmate, just my version. 

What are your thoughts on this? Do you have a story or idea that may change my mind? Or do you agree? 

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Keep an eye on my page, I will be posting again later tonight or this weekend as well! 

Depression within Relationships and Hope? 🙇🏻‍♀️

As I have mentioned before, I suffer from anxiety and depression. As someone who has dealt with this for many years, it’s deeply comforting to meet someone “who gets it” especially if that person happens to eventually become your significant other.

I met a lovely man whom I will call… Caterpillar. There is a story behind that but hey, that’s not the point of this post.

Caterpillar also suffered from depression and anxiety so he “got it.” He understood my anxious days or lower days because he has suffers from them too. It felt like he understood me better than myself most days. That feeling is, earth shattering. Before I knew it, I felt a little less guarded and cared for this Caterpillar very much.

He didn’t scream at me to get over it, shut me out and leave when I had bad anxiety days. Not like what I had to deal with in the past. I was with someone for 5 years and he never understood me quite like Caterpillar. Even though we both had bad breakups, we fell into whatever you want to call it…

However….

Here is the thing with two individuals who suffer from these mental issues… No one responds or handles things the same. So yes, we did have some bumps in the road as you could imagine. While I like to be with my loved one on bad days, he wanted to be alone. Thats just how it was. So fast forward through our days of being inseparable and acting like kids in love in toy isles… Which is a literal statement 🙏🏻.

The day came, winter was especially hard on us. I combat the lack of sun with vitamin d supplements and try to keep going. He, took it harder and eventually there came a day where he said his depression got to a level that concerned him and that he needed time to focus on himself and figure a few things out alone.

Again, I would want someone to be beside me in these cases and have before. He obviously wanted to be alone, which was not out of character for him.  I didn’t understand it, but respected it.

While I looked for any reason for this to make sense in my raging anxious mind, which irritated him. It wasn’t me, it was him needing time to sort through  things,go to the doc and do it alone. I just needed to understand that.

It was/is hard. I saw this man almost every day per his own requests – I didn’t push or was the overbearing woman – in any way and we had the best of times. We were fine the day before, so this was a bit of a blindsided situation.

I tried my best to try to be apart of his life because from what he was telling me, he was in a dark place and I am a bleeding heart for the ones I care about. He still needed his space. So… I somehow found the strength to not text him unless he initiated it.

Which he did and still does…even though he wanted to fully disconnect. Which helped me hanging to hope. Now here is the real portion of the post that I want you to focus on – the back story was important but my cry for help if you will or looking for thoughts on hope.

This man has never lied to me in any way and I trust him 100% and I saw with my own eyes, his struggle. He wasn’t just using this for an excuse to leave. If that was the case, why still keep in contact at all. Which we have had over the past month – a couple days may go by but he always touches base with me. I have also seen him cut off people who brought negativity in his life and yet he hasn’t done that to me.

My friends and family seem to have an issue with me still responding to him… Still having hope. Here is the thing, they dont suffer from mental illness. They don’t understand it at all really, so I feel it’s easy for them to say: you need to cut all ties and move on.

I have been in a dark place. I know what it’s like to feel self hatred, confusion, anxiety and struggling to get out of bed. They don’t.

So here I am. I’m still holding on to hope and he stated he has hope as well but he didn’t want me to wait around because  “it wasn’t fair to me.” To me, that’s my choice but he didn’t see it that way.

So here is my question for people who are in relationships where one or both of you have depression and/or anxiety….

  • Have you ever been pushed away? If so, did you hang in there?
  • Did you have people call you weak or essentially made you feel silly for holding on to hope?
  • What advice do you have for me!?

I feel very alone in my case and hope to hear some thoughts from you.

Happy Monday everyone and I hope you have a great start to your week!

Sending lots of love and good vibes ❤️

Xoxo,


**Sorry for any mass typos that may be here! I struggled to open up about this and then it just flowed 🙏🏻

Crisis? Rant? Regardless 30 is coming quick!

As February is speeding by, I realize that I will be 29 before I know it – April 29th to be exact and for some reason, I am very anxious about it. Because you know, 30 is next and I should totally have my life together… Ahem.

As many of you around my age know and probably experience, social pressures can get to you around this age. The typical (and dare I say painful) questions that fly at your face like damn grenades at family gatherings and even the what was supposed to be a low-key happy hour….usually ends up like this for me:

· Hi, what do you do?

· How old are you?

· Are you single? …I have someone perfect for you!

· Do you have children? No? Do you want them?

· Do you want to get married?

· How is your job going?

The questions do not seem to slow and next thing you know, I am sweating, heart is racing and looking for the nearest exit or contemplating if faking my own death would be less painful at the moment. Which let’s be honest, probably would be a blessing.

 I wish I could say that I am one of those rare people that has all the luck in the world and life just continued perfectly for them…you know the perfect significant other, the nice home, a dog and 2.5 kids….whatever that means, I find it mildly concerning 😊. However, that is just not the case. In fact, I am one of the most cursed people that I know. Life likes to throw me curveballs, or cement bricks at me with a steady pace.

 Simply, I don’t have it together.

 As a younger naïve gal, I thought for sure that I would be in a more stable position at 28, rolling 29. That whole approaching 30 mark, just makes it seem like I am running out of time due to these social pressures that I mentioned. Yes, most people I know are married, have a steady relationship, engaged, children, home, making serious dough and here I am….feeling broken especially with my anxiety hanging on my back like Yoda.

 I have had a broken engagement, been abandoned, cheated on, made a fool and I’m sure been loved in there somewhere too…I hope. I just find it hard to trust at times, as we are all broken at this point in our lives in one way or another, and I also bring to the table some health issues. I mean who would want someone like me!? I am A MESS. I have had several surgeries and officially diagnosed with endometriosis in 2013. Apparently, after my surgery was the time to have children…but that was NOT happening. If I think I do not have it together today, I really did not have it together then.

 I have scars across my belly from 4 surgeries, may have fertility issues and will not know until I try for said children, throw in a some mental issues too and you got yourself a Katrina. Ugh. But while I have had some challenges, I do have a big heart and love hard, so there’s is that?

 Anyway, let me bring back my original point, to those aggressive questioners – which may be family, friends or someone you just met. Chances are, NO we do not want to be set up, we will get there when we feel like it. For me, NO I do not have children yet, but wish and hope I am able to – thanks for bringing that up btw not that I haven’t dreaded that thought since my diagnosis of endometriosis. My Job? Oh well, I get paid so that is nice…I mean it’s a job. I would rather be a beach bum but hey – here I am slaving away to keep my house – that I do have I guess and kibble in the bowls for my pups. Also… of course, I would want to get married but keeping a man has been hard for me for some reason…. now where is the BOOZE! Or at this point, just picture me running away like a mad woman with my 5’2” legs… #strugglebus.

 I don’t think some people realize how personal and uncomfortable those questions can be. Especially if you suffer from an anxiety disorder, depression and or other mental concerns…it all falls back to that lovely quote:

Be kind.
Be kind, even when you are taking life grenades.

As you can probably tell, I have been going through a rough patch and this may just be a product of hurt, but I would love to hear how you handle situations like the above or any advice for a late 20s gal!
Thank you for stopping by and reading! I hope to hear from you!

Xoxo,

Katrina

Being a bleeding heart in a cold world. 

I have always been one of those, anti-social media gals for a while. Of course I grew up with MySpace and Facebook but for me, it always seemed to invite negativity in my life in one way or another, so I removed myself from it years ago.

However, I did try out Instagram last year as I felt, okay – this is more just pictures and small captions, not so much a never ending flood of public feuds, nasty comments or what I would call “perfect” life syndrome. At first, I felt that this was a good way to stay connected without as much negativity but over the year I found that Instagram also started to bring me down. Of course, I fell in love with plenty of dogs, cute  or funny videos and kept in contact with some friends but things started to take a turn for me.

Over the past few months, I have started to see such a publication and encouragement of what I call poor behavior. This came in many ways but some of the most common alarming trends were:

  • “Savage”  lifestyle – which from what I gathered was openly and happily doing people wrong, being rude or disrespectful. This includes  family and friends.
  • Women’s “Hoe” life – why are some women so excited to be be like, well I got 5 significant others or boyfriends so if your man does something you don’t like or god forbid you miscommunicated, women are going out and getting those revenge free  dinners, sex, texting other men or messing around with their significant other’s best friends? Of course I know this can go with both genders but specifically women have seemed to be more common.
  • Relationships – there are a few things that fall under this section for me. For example, women getting very worked up over men liking others posts, not liking every picture they post etc. I feel like if you are more worried about if your SO liked your 3rd selfie of the day, you may need to do a little more reflecting. People leave eachother over these things. I have read that the best relationships are the ones that are not plastered all over social media…I think there is something to be said about it.
  • Stalking – I know curiosity hits us all, but there can come a time where it can become unhealthy . Whether it’s friends, past friends, exes, idols or even when your ex’s new partner stalks you too and vice versa. There are memes about it and we all know it’s out there but being self aware and not encouraging this behavior. There is a reason there are memes about women saying they can find out  anything, more details than the FBI within 10 min. I have witnessed this with my own eyes (men and women) and I’m unsure how I feel about it, other than uncomfortable.

Perhaps I’m just  ranting, or my old soul is really showing at this point. But I ended up deciding that Instagram no longer was a good fit for me. I just disabled my account for this past week for various reasons. Mostly the above  list, because I am not that kind of person, woman, friend or relative. I am loyal to a fault and only fall in love with souls. Vanity and materials will never be my priority.

I have been told that I give too many  chances, too kind, love too much and it seems that most find it a weakness. While it can be lonely at times, because so many are colder, don’t fall in love with souls but faces, and give in to the negative world – I can say that I am happy with who I am.

Most don’t understand my ways, nor will they ever. Especially when mental health is involved – I’m fine being me. Big hearted, giving and “weak” me.

What are your thoughts on social media? Especially in this day. Do you feel the same? Do you feel social media can impact mental health and why? Please leave your thoughts and experiences  in the comments. If myou don’t mind, include your age as well. I am just wondering if there is a pattern among ages.

Thank you so listening and I hope to hear from you! Have a wonderful evening ❤️.

Xoxo,

Katrina

Hello & Welcome to the Rabbit Hole

Hello and WELCOME to my first post 🙂

My name is Katrina and I am so glad you are here! I have been throwing around the idea of creating a blog for a while now and I finally pulled the trigger.

Creating the “theme” has been the most difficult portion of this adventure and also seems to be a common issue. I feel like I have so much to say, but it is hard to put it in one category. I may bounce around a little but I hope to build a community with you, hear your experiences and thoughts.

If I had to put it simply, in terms of theme: I am passionate about mental health. Specifically, anxiety and depression. This will be a common theme through out my blog, as well as my thoughts on current issues and my struggles through adulthood.

Ah yes, speaking of adulthood… Can someone get me a manual for this!? HELP! I am sure most of you have had that same thought and you know what, we can get through this and grow together!

Most importantly, I want to thank you for stopping by my page. I am new to this blogging world and I appreciate your patience while I figure this all out. I hope you keep in touch and would love to hear your feedback.

xoxo,
Kat