Category: Anxiety

Hello, it’s me. I am alive!

madkatter1314 Comments


Hello my fabulous friends! Yes, I know – I legit let a week go by without chatting with you all. I have been slipping here and it upsets me, I will get my butt back on track!

So tell me, what is going on my followers!? I want to hear from you, how are you doing!? Have you tried anything new? Fought a fear? Slayed a dragon!? 

Tell me how you are feeling, basically – I feel out of touch and want to hear from you!! PLEASE!

As for me, I have been feeling a bit low and anxious (yes, its just as confusing as it sounds lol). I even had to take a mental health day from work Friday. I have not been sleeping again… so there is that. Just still stressing about my abnormal pap results. I know, I know – I should not be worried. However, I have to take 3 pills a day to try to tame that anxious beast inside me! Sometimes it is still hard. sigh. So, only 2 more weeks to go before my test…. I can do this … right? Most women have already been here, done that. So, trying to stay calm 🙂

I did try to do some things for me this weekend due to my mood. I love weird shit, I am a weird gal soooo antique/resale shops are my jam! I found 3?? In my little hometown so I went rummaging to find the perfect thing for me! Right? Retail therapy is always great! The only issue, I could not find anything that made my heart just burst out of it’s chest. I tried to find a record player and or soulful records… fail. I did however see a cassette player in the antique store…so I guess we are finally there? I felt a bit old… not gonna lie. So the perfect pick me up gift is still yet to be found, so I hit up my local coffee shop to lift my spirits in caffeine form :).

Outside of my failed rummaging and funk, I helped Caterpillar turn his empty apartment into a homey apartment! Want to test a strength of a relationship? Build furniture together hahaha. Jk jk, we made it out alive and not a scratch or toooo much bickering.

Now enough about me, please fill my comments with anything about you!!! All the things! The good, bad, ugly, sweet, funny, jokes, pictures, feelings – let me hear from you ❤ I will chat with you all soon!

❤ xoxo,

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Addiction & Mental Illness

madkatter134 Comments

Hello friends!

To continue with the theme of Mental Health Awareness, I wanted to branch a little further and address addiction and substance abuse as well – as it is not uncommon for some to suffer from both, otherwise known as co-occurring disorders.

**Please remember, I am not a physician – just a gal sharing her experiences and providing resources**

It seems like over the past couple years, I have heard more about heroin overdoses than I ever have. It is scary, I have personally known friends who struggle with addiction and it greatly impacts their lives…their families and children. It saddens me greatly to hear about someone I know who cannot seem to stay in treatment despite what they have been blessed with or the support system around them. I am not sure if stigma has something to do with this, or what. My struggle with substances have never been that level of destruction, so if you have any insight on this and why it can be a struggle for the addict, I would love to hear your thoughts or stories!

“Millions of Americans suffer from anxiety disorders, and millions also suffer from substance use disorders. The illnesses can develop independently from one another, or one can cause the other.

Although people with anxiety disorders don’t always develop substance use disorders, or vice versa, research shows strong associations between the two. An estimated 18 percent of all people with substance use disorders have an anxiety disorder.”

– DrugRehab.com

In my own personal experience, the few addicts that I know, do have issues with coping and this is their release. The quick fix if you will, that we have all heard about over the years. We must help encourage change! If you or someone you know is struggling – try to make that first step in assisting them or yourself. There are many helpful resources out there both locally and beyond. For further information or help finding treatment near you, family or friends – please check out the below links:

 

Continue to be strong my friends, not only for you but your loved ones as well!! ❤

xoxo,

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Mental Health Awareness Month!

madkatter1323 Comments

Hello friends & happy Wednesday! ❤

As most of you probably know, May is Mental Health Awareness month! YAY! This is super huge for me since I have been struggling for many years.

The last year and a half was a big slump for me in regards to recovery in adulthood. My fellow mental health warriors, you may experience this too – but it comes in waves. Some days/months/year(s) go by with little to no symptoms and other times it feels like a brick hit you in the face (or treats to a puppers face) and you feel ALL THE THINGS!

So, in honor of this beautiful month – I wanted to share a summary of my history with mental illness and what I am doing this year to honor it – since I am a bit stronger than last year!

The History: My “relationship” with mental illness probably started when I was in my later years of middle school. I do not remember the exact age anymore as it’s all a little blurry at this point in my life. I do recall the feeling of overwhelming sadness, numbness, anxiety and losing my will to live. Which, is scary thought to have that young.

I remember looking for ways to “feel” again. At that point, it had consumed me and had been for a while. I danced sharp objects along my skin, the burning, the color and feeling was the only feeling that came alive. Glowing red metal rods laid across my skin and pills by masses to try to get away from it all. I also remember driving and being tempted to just close my eyes.

My life, even in my younger years came with its complications. I had mentioned some of it in my “How the hell did I end up this way” post. There is always more to every story but I like to keep things going, I did and will hit all the highlights?? <– I need to find a better word here!

Depression is an evil bitch

Fast forward through the long dark days…There came a time when I snapped to and realized I had to get help. At the rate I was going, I think my story would have ended quickly. So, for whatever reason – inner strength took over my darkness for long enough to gain to courage to speak to my mother. Which…why I chose her to open up to at this moment, I will never know but I did. This was the woman who scrutinized my appearance regularly and informed me that I looked fat several times through out my life. You see, she has always been petite and we have been close in weight for as long as I can remember, so god forbid if I started to look like I as growing out of that mold.

Anyway, informing my mother that I no longer wanted to live and that I needed to go to the doctor was one of the hardest things that I had to do. She seemed to care and then handled it poorly afterward. I remember bits and pieces of going to my doctor, completing tests and having that hard discussion with her. I was put on antidepressants and agreed to counseling. I have never felt so lost and scared in my life.

Counseling was strange for me. I did not care for my therapist or her dated orange and brown decor through out her office. I think part of it was because my mother was in the room with me majority of the time, which she took over the conversations and reminded the woman that I was “fine.” She just did not get it.

She further proved that she did not get it by providing a less than supportive relationship. Which, is still true to this day. Versus actually talking to me, it was like I was living with a prison guard with strip searches to see make sure there were no fresh wounds. Which I can understand, but I feel there are better ways to go about it  – rather than throwing demands around and talking down to your child during these searches. She just looked at me as if she hated me, or perhaps she felt that she had failed on some level and it bothered it and came pouring out of her eyes. She already had a troubled child, so I don’t think she had room for me to struggle too… I suppose I can sympathize with that now?

Further more, my new medication made me feel nauseous – as many others you have taken these kind of meds, they can be rough until your body gets used to them. So now, since I could not eat without wanting to vomit, my mother viewed it as now an “eating disorder.” She would force me to clean my plate even if I told her if I ate one more bite, I will probably get sick. Which happened numerous times because when you have a level of anxiety – you already feel that way. Throw in some anti-depressants and you know what? You just don’t have the best appetite and that is okay, you are adjusting. When I did get sick, she would yell and say see – I told you. “I knew you were throwing up after eating!” No, actually I did not have an eating disorder at the time…but thanks Mom. That did happen, just in my adult years.

I managed to stick to my therapy and medication and I did start to feel better. More alive and a bit more happier.  It took some time and some dosage adjustments but I got to a point of no longer wanting to harm myself and wanting to be able to walk this fine earth as a young person should. I am not sure exactly how long it took as I am getting old these days 😉 but the important part was I made it. It was not easy, reflecting on this point in my life – I believe there were a lot of factors that played into this outside of genes (they were stacked against me too). I am also sure that it took a significant amount of time of general sadness to get to my breaking point as well.

Anxiety and insomnia still was an issue from time to time. It really kicked up again around 18 – probably with adulthood, college and who knows what else. Luckily my college therapist was helpful in providing techniques to help me cope with panic attacks. I started back on my meds and tried to really focus on self care at this time. To be honest though, I have been dealing with anxiety ever since…in those waves that I was speaking of :).

Self image became an issue in my early adult years. I have always been told that I was “small, tiny, petite, anorexic, bulimic, had nothing to worry about and weird/tomboy.” I still remember this time in class when a man asked me if I ever ate without throwing it back up…. thanks fella. Reallly nice.

However, it did become an issue eventually. I was in a bad relationship with someone who made me feel less than. To put it simply, he was physically and verbally abusive and beat my confidence and self worth down. It resulted in me weighing roughly 75-80 lbs in my adulthood. Granted even when I was younger…I believe now, I can call it social anxiety?? But I had a fear of eating in front of people. The cafeteria in school was my nemesis. All the kids. All the food. Perhaps there is some sort of eating disorder theory in there as well??? Lord who knows – I am a mess haha.

When I finally got out of that bad situation, which took time. Planning an exit from someone like this must be done carefully. He obviously did not handle it well and probably would have reacted poorly regardless. Unfortunately, he did end up stalking me, he would show up at the local mall where I would be shopping, or restaurants where I was having dinner with friends and even showed up at my house. Trying to get over that fear while trying to repair myself again – whew. This time, it also meant physically and mentally. Again, I over came and now happily weigh in with triple digits on the scale and have been steadily since 2012-2013ish. While body image is something that I still struggle with after my many surgeries, the important thing to remember is it is progress. I am better than what I was before and that is key.

Mid 2015 is when my anxiety took on a form that I had never encountered before. I had gone through several ups and downs in life regarding my mental health and outside of it but this was different. It was something that I literally could not handle. Feeling anxious and insomnia again was not a stranger to me. I live a life that tailors to these needs – most would probably deem boring but it is my life and I have accepted this.

This was the first time in my life that I would need to check in somewhere for observation. I. LOST. IT. Best part? My breaking point occurred at work. I had to get out immediately, after reaching out to my employee assistance program – I informed my boss in little words as possible that I had to go without worrying her….. but one more issue… I take the bus (which was very hard for me at first too btw)…so I had to step up and take an uber to my car. One, I don’t like not being in control of the vehicle that I am in. If I trust you to drive me – congrats! Second, I don’t do taxis or ubers….the amount of germs, smells and general feeling of out of control does not vibe with me.. third, it was a 35 dollar trip easily. However, it had to be done.

This is where the medical field failed me and I have heard similar stories and it is so heartbreaking to me. I did not feel in control, I could not breathe, I could not function, I literally did not know what happening but all I can say is, I did not feel myself. I was not me, I felt literally insane or that I had “snapped.” I attempted to get into our local psych center…for anything consult, treatment, or whatever. However, they were at capacity and since I was not “that bad” I had to find elsewhere. This was the story for the next 3 calls that I tried. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless, trying to find someone to care when you do not even know how you are going to get home or what may happen to you. I was finally able to get into a physician…. 2 weeks later. How was I able to get manage this? Sadly, this is so common and for some people that 2 week wait has cost their life – no joke. Fortunately, my psychotic break was more controllable? (somehow I managed this…I will never know how) versus severe depression/suicidal. Luckily my boss was understanding enough during this time, my then fiance was….I don’t even know but he was there (at the time). I was able to hang on until my appointment where we had a full work up, got a referral in for a specialist, adjusted my medication and added in more…it was overwhelming but I hung in there the best that I could. I began intense therapy, maintained my strict medication regiment, tried my hand at self care and then my now ex (Fuckboy), abandoned me in December 2015. I guess I should be thankful that I was already medicated at that point. Perhaps he could not face being married to someone with severe anxiety, who knows. The key was, I was trying to take care of myself while planning a wedding with little help. Honestly, I thought I was doing well. I had the “supportive” partner who had been my best friend for years and we had helped another through it all – before and after we were together. Life was on the up and up….until he decided otherwise. Since I was medicated, when he left I always asked people (friends, family & associates) if they saw it coming. The answer was always no – whew so I was NOT crazy :). We even had Friendsgiving where Fuckboy stated he was thankful for me and put on this great speech where he pulled a fast one and even pulled it by my good friend Sunshine- who does not miss a damn thing! Anyway, after I had to handle that mess – I took some serious time off. I had to, granted I am still struggling to this day with building PTO…. it was worth it.

My anxiety/episode recovery has been hard since I did not see that life changing event coming during it. Learning to trust people again, regaining my self worth and learning to live independently has been really fucking hard. However, I have kept up with therapy. I know that leaving someone without reason, leaving all their shit  behind for you to handle, not telling their own family what they did and not forwarding their mail is THEIR problem and not mine. Abandonment is never okay and that is something that I have had to accept and the fact that I will never really know the reason why this happened.

My medication has increased over the past year, I still struggle with insomnia and anxiety but I am stronger than I was a year ago – mentally and physically. I am able to stand on both feet and take on the world the best that I can. Some days are still hard… There are times that I cannot get out of bed for several days, at times my anxiety is so bad that I cannot leave the house and it does impact my day-to-day.

Most do not realize all that is going on behind the scenes in recovery and that is fine – because this is my journey and if they don’t notice – I must be keeping it together…..(right!?) hahaha. I am happy to report that I got through that very dark period aka – all of 2016 without thoughts of suicide and while I have lost some weight, I am still healthy. This has been my healthiest recovery to date and I am quite proud.

I may still be a mess but hey – I have a good heart dammit and worthy of love! Now let’s transition into what I am doing this year since I feel stable, happy and productive during Mental Health Awareness month!

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Present day! May 2017: Since I am someone who has clearly struggled with some shit – it has become my mission to give back to the mental health community in anyway that I can. I have done this by sharing my story with friends, family, here, through sites, beating down the stigma in anyway that I can, looking to become an advocate for local mental health chapters, donations, spreading the word, educating others, remembering to be kind – you never know what people may be fighting inside and by participating and supporting Kenzie Brenna during her self-love boot camp on Instagram- which encourages others with mental health disorders to share their stories through social media (there is a focus on body image but it is helpful for everyone), ensuring others that they are not alone!

You can learn more on the link provided or check her out on Instagram, along with her supporters @omgkenzieee and searching #selflovebootcamp. There is a new topic each day and so many people are opening themselves up to vulnerability – it is beautiful. I am going to push myself to participate every day, but some topics are harder than others as you can see in the calendar below. However, if this will help push me to become a more whole person – why not? Although, I do struggle with vulnerability…my therapist can attest to this :).

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FINALLY! If you made it through that entire post – you get a cookie! I know it was long so thank you for listening to my story, ignoring any typos that came out during the flow! Yoda best!

I want to ask all of you to do something for Mental Health Awareness this month too! It is so important to keep bringing awareness! Sometimes individuals cannot make that 2 week waiting period to see a physician – we need to do something about this! So my friends/warriors, wear some green this month or ribbon! Participate in a challenge or walk, start a conversation, be there for a friend, spread some facts on social media, advocate and help influence positive policy reform, volunteer, share YOUR story if you have one and remember to take care of yourself and others!

Love you all xoxo,

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Follow me! IG: @DiaryoftheMadKatter  P: DiaryMadKatter

Monday coffee, birthday weekend recap and my stand off with the Foul Fowl 🦃

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Good evening  friends & happy Monday to all of you! I have been away for a few days – so lets catch up shall we!?

Friday: I took my lovely puppers to the dog park in the evening, we all made some new friends – with and without fur. There is nothing quite like watching your once anxiety ridden dog play without fear and greet the occasional human – Sydney has been a work in progress since I got her in 2013? So proud dog mom moment :). Then the rain came and I had to pack up the pups and head home :). Ordered Chinese, started a Netflix binge – then BAM the storm knocked out my electric for… like 4 damn hours. Fun fact, I cannot sleep in a dead quiet home. I just can’t relax enough to sleep…also heard from Caterpillar during this black out but that is for another day….maybe.

Saturday: The Golden Birthday had arrived and I was quite exhausted and definitely too sleep deprived to get my photo taken for my ID…but such is life lol. After a nice leisurely hour, waiting to give the BMV all my monies – I finally got the adult portion of the day out of the way! VICTORY! So off to go do some crafty things with my friend P who also brought a lovely cake and flowers for my birthday – very sweet. She found a local painting place, so we found some cute ceramics and began painting, I chose a cute little gnome – I will make sure to share him after he is fired and looking fabulous in his colorful attire. Ironically, I did not see the name of the green that I chose for his coat right away… turns out it was called “jaded” so there is that…ahem… LOL. Anyway, we then had lunch and back to the homestead for this gal – I bought Barley a new toy  while I was out too! So I was happy to give that to him…for the 2 seconds that he had it, then Syd took it, ah siblings! I finished my evening with a ladies night in – wine, brownies, dog cuddles (true introvert moment – go to a party, love on the dog!) and great conversations – it was a good day after all. After much anticipation and excessive worry, I made it. Hello 29, here we go!! <– Still a little anxious haha.

Sunday: I slept in. I was lazy until I was forced to move and go to my fathers. He was making me a birthday dinner, so of course I had to go. I think I may have rolled out of my bed (aka: nest) around 2pm. This is what happens when you turn 29 apparently haha. Since my father lives in a farm house with yard to roam, I always load up a pup, oe two…or 3. In this instance I tried all 3, this was the first time trying to cram all 3 fifty-ish pound dogs…in my civic. Just try and picture that. Luckily, the blind pupper Ana, curls up in the passenger seat next to me and naps the entire time, the other two hang out the rear windows – slobber and fur flying everywhere, an image of pure bliss. I wish I was that happy all the time – yeeesh!

It turns out my father recently acquired a turkey. Yes, a live, waddling and terrifying turkey. I must have forgotten this little fact because judging by the size of this feathered BEAST – it clearly was an adult?

I am going to be honest with you, outside of my backyard avian friends…I don’t give a shit about birds. They terrify me. I mentioned in one of my previous posts about a couple interactions with these creatures that resulted in a few trust issues and what I would assume is a small form of PTSD.

I was greeted by this large, white mass of feathers. Yes, greeted. I rolled up dogs hanging out windows, loving life to face this… thing.

I refused to get out of my car.

In fact, I am glad to be here typing this today.  SO…I eased my little Civic to the safest place to park while I came up with my master plan.

Another fun fact: Sydney loves to chase the chickens (gotta love border collie mixes), when she saw this thing she CLEARLY wanted the challenge. The drool became excessive. I had to try to get her back inside the safe car, so I could roll up the windows… meanwhile this thing sang what I assume is its “war gobble” while staring into my soul, mocking me with its extensive wing flaps.

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This meme accurately showcases my turkey nemesis

So there I sat. I watched him slowly stalk around a bit, taking his sweet turkey time all the while trying to talk Sydney – the fierce bird chaser off the ledge. I just simply had to tell her… “Sydney, you do not want to go paw to claw with this one. You will get eaten, Ana will get scooped up and I will probably die some how in some tragic burst of feathers while the victorious bird drives off in my Civic.” As if Sydney understood any of this…

Yes, my friends that is where my crazy mind went to haha. Now, we waited. All dogs accounted for, it was a waiting game and perhaps dare I say a game of chicken and I was losing. It seemed like forever, but the turkey finally moved past my car, occasionally gobbling about – still mocking me strutting away to the barn. 

It was my chance. I quickly leashed up Sydney to protect her from doing anything crazy, like running towards the beast and losing an eye. Two blind dogs was not on my list post birthday. So I coaxed Barley and Ana and gently tugged Sydney inside the farm house as fast as my two legs and 12 paws would allow. Whew. The look on my father’s face said it all, I clearly looked terrified and as I explain my surprise of said bulbous turkey – he laughed.  

Thanks Dad. Way to laugh at your scared daughter and her crazy dog pack. 

So. After a few steady breaths, I released Syd and let the other pups roam the house – looking for scraps and pets. Dinner ended up being lovely, smoked ribs and corn – life couldn’t get any better for me. I passed on the salad… However, I want to note that during my meal on the porch,  I saw white fucker strut into my peripherals…He hunkered down and watched me. CLEARLY looking for round two. No mister Foul Fowl, not today. So I did what any logical adult would to, terrified of birds… I waited him out again. As soon as he went into his little home area/coop/war bunker, I waved goodbye to my father and encouraged my pups to play chase….Into the car. We drove off, without a…scratch and all accounted for – I’m just not sure if we will be visiting anytime soon 😂🦃. 

So that was my birthday weekend. It was low key, filled with love from few and survived Battle of the Turkey. 

How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting? Do you have ridiculous fears as well?? 

Thank you for all the birthday wishes as well! Barley and I appreciated the kind words and love! 

xoxo,

Follow me on: Instagram & Pinterest !

Do you suppose she is a wildflower?💐🌻🌼🌺 

madkatter135 Comments

Hello friends 🙂

Since I have been half of a human I feel, I wanted to get back in touch with you all! Oh, how I missed my blogging friends and followers. So let’s see, what has been going on:

The Good:

  • Noble Steed 🚘 – YES! I have my noble steed back aka: my Honda Civic…or Millennium Falcon. Yes, I am still toying with a name for her. This is a very serious matter and must not be taken lightly 😉
  • Future Business & Hats 🎩 – My friend S, whom I will now dub Sunshine have been chatting a lot about future business matters and what that entails for me :). Additionally, there will be a Mad Hatter Brunch that we will be attending in June. Let that sink in… yes, an actual Mad Hatter Brunch. To say that I am over the moon, is a bit of an understatement and clearly the perfect segway into becoming a business woman – look out world! Hat photos will be posted when the time comes, until then – the hunt for the perfect hat is ON. So with that being said, should you find yourself looking at fabulous top hats, mad hatter types and see one and go – hey, this looks like a great hat for Katrina/Mad Katter and her love of all things Alice in Wonderland… I would love if you would send me that link! 😘

The Bad:

  • Birthday 🎂 – Ah yes, I see you 29, coincidentally on the 29th.For whatever reason, I am still very anxious about this. Literally, thinking about it makes me want to vomit…so there is that.
  • Homeownership 🏡 – I still have so much to do, it is overwhelming to even think about. Sometimes it is very hard to be a single home owner with a budget lol. If I had the extra cash, I would so pay someone to just come in to do all these odd jobs. Hopefully soon, I will have extra cash coming in to aid in this and also why I am going to do my best to make that happen.
    • PSA: My DIY skills are not as great as I envision in my head 😀 it is like one Pinterest fail after another, or something just doesn’t quite look right at the end haha. My heart is in it dammit, I figured that was all I needed!
  • Eye of the Katter 📸 ← Which is what I play in my head, to the tune of Eye of the Tiger while I snap photos. I still have not been able to use my camera…sad. I will this week!

The Ugly:

  • Caterpillar 🤦🏻‍♀️ – Ugh. No one is ready for that vent yet especially as I am still trying to understand men (again 😐🤣🤦🏻‍♀️)…but my dating/relationship life is not helping my anxiety for my pending 29th bday. I just keep the mentality that it will get better in one way or another – because it literally cannot get any worse HAHA. Send me happy vibes in this area please and thank you!

I think that is about it for today friends! I am feeling more alive, motivated and inspired today, I may have more later! Until then, I hope you have a fabulous day!!!

P.s. – thank you for everyone who has followed me on Instagram and Pinterest so far!! It’s lovely to see more of your day to day and look forward to seeing more!

♥️Xoxo,

Justice served sunny side up! 

madkatter1328 Comments

Hello friends & HAPPY FRIDAY!!

The battle between pollen and I continues! I have been exhausted and crazed looking, so there is that! Look out boys *wiggly eyebrows*

Let’s see, what is going on in my life…

OH! So my lovely neighbor decided to backup into my car over a little over a week ago?? How I forgot to mention this, I will never know as I have been seething for a solid week. It has been a nightmare to say the least. They tried to play it off, which really upsets me. You see, I have cameras around my house after a not so kind breakup with Fuckboy* over a year ago, who decided to come to the house unannounced while I was at work…so that was not going to fly and I bought some same day along with new locks – take that you slimy fuck.

Anyway back to the car, so I have only had my car since December. I totaled my previous one before Christmas…I know. A lot of bad luck with me. My little civic was not new by any means, I did not want a payment again but she was in good shape! I cherished her and we were unstoppable at like 35 miles to a gallon! Coming from about 18-20, no really. We were unstoppable, I could take on the world with my sunroof open and dogs out the window!! So when I woke up on the 9th to this ugly new accessory that I did not approve in my driver’s side door – that also provided horrendous noise upon opening said door – I saw red. Mini hulk rage ensued or pint size fury as other describe this mode of mine.

I park out on the street in front of my house frequently because of Ana (blind pupper). She has run into my car numerous times and how she still functions, I will never know. So to protect her, I just park out of her paths.

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Here is lovely Ana Bear, sunbathing 🙂 

Good Samaritan me, rescuing blind dogs without an eye & heart of gold….this asshole was not going to get away with this. No note on the car OR door… WHO DOES THAT!? I balled my little fist and raised it to the sky, shaking it while grumbling “NOT TODAY! I WILL GET YOU! TO THE CAMERA FOOTAGE!”

So that is what I did. Coffee and brownie breakfast while mulling over grainy footage, I will catch you SOB. I was just missing my Sherlock hat, which I am sad that I do not have one.

I looked back to witness this monster backing up into my car at 2AM, stopping like they knew it and then drove away. Oh, no they did not and at that hour!? I bet they were DRUNK! So, I had my evidence and now… what to do with it. I wanted to go to their door in a crazed woman fashion, but I did not. I controlled myself. May I say, I have excellent anger control? It does not take much to get me furious, but this did. The injustice, the shitty human element and I have had enough shit happen to me over the past year, I will RALLY! Perhaps I snapped, minorly.

So I decided, I will wait. They for sure would call or text me, they have my number, their little boy mows my grass for me since I cannot breathe to do it myself. Or hell, even just come over!? That is what I would do, well…. I would have left a note first but hey.

They never showed. No text. Nothing. Fine. It’s now been several hours and by several hours, I mean a leisurely 6, if they won’t make the first move, I will. First, I will need a damage report regardless so I call the local police department. I am sure, they have better things to do on a Sunday, but honestly I needed them and with the grain on said footage, I was not sure if these sketchy fucks would even get the hammer of justice like I planned. So a nice young fella came out to do the report, hear my rant and viewed my footage. It seemed like this would be enough. YES.

Mr. Awesome Officer said once I finished writing my report, he would go speak to them. He also said, if photos or video is involved, they usually confess right away. So I watched this unfold from my little stoop area and doggos barking in the back ground, I assume they were cheering on Mr. Awesome Officer, like BARK “GET THEM” BARK! Clearly that is what it was… not that he was a stranger in their line of sight….ahem.

The good news? The dog barks of encouragement and my crappy footage did the trick. They confessed right away….or well their mom ratted them out right away. “Oh, my daughter did say that she thought she hit the car but it was so dark! She could not tell and you know, she did not want to wake her since it was so late.”

Lies.

Mr. Awesome Officer started back to my home from across the street, giving me the thumbs up. Whaaattt!? I love thumbs up, I am sure most do not even do that but if I had gold stickers, I would have given him one! He pulled through, I did not have to pay a thing! YESSSSS! I love karma :).

Shady! Tried to get away with denting my little car? NO. The damage even worsened after a few open/closes of said door. Infuriating. So I have been without my civic since Tuesday and driving this rental that I cannot see out of – god help me. I am 5’2” on a good day and a lot of cars, just do not fit my odd stature haha.

So with that said, I did just get a text from the autobody shop, they are “close to completion” whatever that really means, I will never know. I am hoping to have my older little civic today! For my sanity and honestly, the safety of others around me while driving that blind spot box! I can feel the rage slowly leaving my body with this news 🙏🏻. Soon.

Other than that, everything has kind of been business as usual. It has been a quick work week thank goodness and quiet before the intern hire storm – I will take it!

Oh and speaking of business, my friend S has stated that I should have my own :). Which is very encouraging and terrifying. I am thinking I will do it, I can use the extra income since the loss of one in the home and she believes in me. SO! That will be on the horizon for me soon too. It is direct sales but I am an anxiety riddled nut job, so gathering my info and believing in me and the product will help. I will share more on it later! A secret, it’s for my fellow allergy people! Not another bag, or goodness make up, this is something good for the environment and health! So stay tuned on that! Also, don’t worry, it will not become focus on this blog either, I just wanted to share this scary adventure for anxious, shy me and how big of a step it will be and how I need to overcome these obstacles to build a better life for me.

I hope you all enjoyed my rant on shitty neighbors and have a great day! I will be posting again soon!

♥️xoxo

*Sorry for the vulgarity, it just takes over when I am passionate about a story 😀

How the hell did I end up this way

madkatter1313 Comments

When I take the time to really reflect on my life and I mean really go deep in the past, I wonder simply, how the hell did I end up this way?

You see, most describe me as: sweet, too nice, dependable and very loving. I know that sounds a bit self centered but, I am just going off what I am told!

My family has and never will be a loving family.

Dinners at the table, were never a regular thing, in fact they were a rarity. Words of encouragement never really came, love and affection really was not a regular thing in both, my mother and father’s houses. In fact, it stems further back…my grandparents are not the affectionate kind either.

I have gone months without speaking to my parents and even longer for others. While some may find this a bit shocking, it’s not uncommon for us. I guess we never really made each other a priority and that is just how it has always been.

The family on my dad’s side … is the definition of aloof? ← Not sure if this is the exact word I am looking for… I am also convinced they mostly speak in mumbles, grumbles and the occasional rage outburst. Now, don’t get me wrong – there are times when I do have a somewhat normal conversation with them but let me tell you, it’s a shocker when it does happen. Aka: my entire ride back home is analyzing wtf just happened haha. The same goes for my brothers and well.. Honestly my mother and her family too. As you could imagine, holidays or family gatherings are super uncomfortable haha.

My single mother of 3, showed her love by explaining the importance of a credit score before I could drive. I mean, valuable information that ultimately did help me but we did not really talk about what I picture most mothers do or see in movies (damn you media)! There was never long phone conversations, movie nights, or bonding really. Whenever I have tried to open up to her and seek her guidance about things in life, she ignored me, literally. She still does this, she will focus on something else and never actually listen to me or she will find a way to turn it around and talk about herself. For example, the day my ex-fiance left me….6 years together, wedding plans and deposits paid and done for….just up and left and I was a disaster. My life completely turned upside down because I put a lot of effort and love in those years, his family became mine and I was closer with them than my own family….just gone. She swung by the house my ex and I just purchased and said “Well your best friend is here, you are crying and he is not here. Something must have happened.” As I try to choke out the words of what occurred…her response from across the room, scrolling or typing away on her cellphone (typical) simply was “well, sometimes people just don’t work out. Now, let me tell you about my shitty day at work and how my manager pissed me off.” That was it. No comfort as I was shattered, no words of love or encouragement or a hug. I never spoke to her about it again. It has come up here and there while I had to clean up the mess that he left but that is just how she is. I have many stories that follow that same responses or worse. The time I came to her about my deperssion when I was younger was also a horrible experience…she just does not get it and never will.

My mother did buy me things and I think that is just how she shows love? A random new leather purse, jewelry and things of that nature – while nice I guess, it is just not how I show love. She is not a terrible person, she is just who she is and as I mentioned, it seems that this stems further back in her family line. A cool demeanor, curt responses, criticism and little support is just who she is, I have accepted it long ago.

My father, while an angry fella, I love him and I lived with him for a little while when I was younger after my parents divorced. Those times were lovely, we would do things together like go camping, dirt bike riding, cook together and he also taught me how to shoot… which was nice – Daddy’s girl. He also took me to see Spice World and to a Spice Girls concert, I guess that was pretty cool and very “Dad” of him HAHA. However, when he found a younger woman who had a child, us kids kinda took the back seat in his life and they became priority. Whatever she or her child wanted, they got. He stopped doing things with my brothers and I. At times it was more apparent than others, but we slowly kind of faded to the background and it is still that way to this day. I have also learned to accept this, it took me a while though. I did not understand how a father could push his own children away and essentially place these others on a pedestal. Again, this is just who he is. He needs her in his life and will do anything to keep that going even though she leaves him often and comes crawling back over and over. I can just be there and support him when called upon.

My siblings, I have one full blooded brother and one half. I am closest with my half brother, we text and do things more often than the rest and I guess it has always been that way looking back on it. He has kind of been the normalish one of us and I am proud of him. He stuck to himself a lot, studied hard in college and made his way. He is a fellow nerd and so he usually is my Marvel movie buddy or xbox party member hahaha. My full brother was the troublemaker, most families have one I guess haha. I have been the support for him for as long as I can remember. I remember sleeping by the door when he ran away, hoping he would come back home. Or hoping he did not overdose and needed his stomach pumped again…. Mind you I was only like 10 when these things started happening. Pretty serious things for a young gal to try to understand and navigate the feelings associated with it. This came in waves and when I entered high school, he was sentenced to prison. I have seen enough prisons, both minimum and maximum to last me a lifetime. Putting together care packages and supporting him the best I could was all I could do. We would visit when we can but it was mentally and emotionally draining for me. I would do nothing but sleep the rest of the day. This was our interactions for several years, paid calls, exhausting trips and trying to encourage him to get back on the right path – which he did! Mind you, in his case while it sounds like he is terrible, he got hung up in a bad crowd and everything caught up with him. He is a good person, I think a stigma comes with that as well – he has always been good to me, in the best way he could. If he listened to anyone, it was me – my parents reminded me of this when I needed to remind him to get his head out of his ass :).

Eventually, he did. I think our growing up had a lot to do with how he spiraled out of control. He did not take well to my father pushing us aside and in terms of coping skills….not so much. I am proud to say that he did his time, which was way too long. He came out a better person, he has been on the straight and narrow ever since. Now married and living with his wife and her 2 kids. He really has amazed me.

So, as you can see – I never really had too close of a family. We lacked a lot of the qualities that families should have… if that is even a thing now? I look at my parents, whether it is their robotic ways, misguided priorities and just still wonder after all this shit and my genes…how did I end up this way?

How am I the opposite of most of them? A real black sheep of the family if you will. You would think that with the things that I have experienced, I would have turned cold because that is what I am used to and probably would have been easier than dealing with all of these feelings since I was young. To loop around to the beginning of my story, I am often told that “I care too much” or I am “too nice.” That I also let people take advantage of me, but perhaps it’s because I am used to seeing so much negative growing up, I try to find the positive in everything, I give second chances and love others too hard at times. I live by the phrases, you never know what others are going through so it’s best to be kind, even if they are not to you and to also be careful what you say, especially in anger because once it’s out, you cannot take it back.

While I take my 3 pills at night to help my anxiety and depression that has plagued me since I was 16, pop vitamin D when it’s raining for days because I just “cannot deal” with it, continue therapy on a biweekly schedule, suffer from some trust issues, live with the double edged sword of – slow to anger, sleep for days and withdraw at times… I guess I turned out okay? I am glad that I am not a cold person…especially when life has given me every reason to be.

If you made it here, congrats! Thank you for listening to my ramblings/thoughts about family and life. This has been sitting in my drafts for about a week. I have tweaked it a bit and really sat on whether I wanted to post this. It is very open, raw and quite gloomy haha. I am not sure if you will be able to take anything from this, but it was therapeutic for me. So thank you for your support.

Also remember that you are loved, worthy and special humans, I hope you a great day!

Xoxo,

Kat

Re-Blog: Anxiety Makes Me Want To Apologize For Absolutely Everything, by: Kristin Corley (Thought Catalog)

madkatter136 Comments

Good morning friends 🙂

While drinking my morning coffee and settling in before catching up on your comments and blogs, I came across this lovely article that just hits home and I had to share it! With that being said, I must say that I just love Thought Catalog’s site/blog? Specifically articles by Kristin Corley ❤️. I am clearly blind and do not see a magical “reblog” button for them, so bear with me while I paste this magical article in! I hope you enjoy the below:

Anxiety Makes Me Want To Apologize For Absolutely Everything – Kristin Corley (Thought Catalog)

“I owe you an apology…” and he questioned why laughing and as my fingers began to type and I tried to explain everything that been going through my head in the past 48 hours, I realized how ridiculous I sounded.

But the truth was it might have been ridiculous but they were still things worrying me. They were still thoughts keeping me up.

And as I tried to explain all of it logically I came to this realization nothing about anxiety is logical.

Anxiety plants these black seeds of doubt in my mind making me question everyone and everything. It makes me doubt really good people because anxiety tells me they aren’t. Anxiety tells me, “you should wonder if they are lying?” Anxiety tells me, “you’ve done something wrong.” Anxiety is what makes me question my self-worth, not people. Anxiety makes up these scenarios in my head and I have no choice but to follow the destructive path it will lead me down.

Next thing I know, I’m apologizing for something that didn’t even cross someone’s mind but my over analytical skills think it’s something.

Anxiety creates solutions to things that aren’t even problems other than anywhere but in my head.

Anxiety makes me feel like I have to apologize for everything.

Apologize for thinking too much.

Apologize for talking too much.

Apologize for texting too much.

Apologize for trying entirely too hard.

Apologize for caring too much.

Apologize for showing it.

Apologize for coming on too strong, if I did.

Apologize for the fact that I apologized.

Anxiety makes me feel guilty for being myself because I constantly wonder if people are going to take something I’ve said or done the wrong way.

Then I beat myself up over the, “What if” scenario.

It’s hard enough accepting who you are and embracing it when the world rejects everything about you. Everyone knows that battle. Everyone has fought it at some point.

But it’s harder when it’s you vs. yourself, in an internal battle that’s all in your head, you want so desperately to control.

You try to control something that’s been controlling you for as long as you remember.

It’s every person I doubt when I shouldn’t.

It’s every worse case scenario that never comes to life.

It’s ruining things before they begin because in my mind I’ve already said or done something to end it. Or I will say or do something eventually.

Anxiety makes me look at my reflection and question everything I see.

Anxiety makes me want to hide who I am because I truly hate it sometimes.

I hate staring at a phone wondering why someone hasn’t answered and rereading every word to my previous text and wondering what they are thinking.

I hate wondering if I’ve done something in the past because anxiety doesn’t let me forget my mistakes.

It brings them up every so often reminding me of the time I messed up. And even when people have forgiven me, I still haven’t forgiven myself, regardless of how much time has passed. Anxiety makes me want to say sorry a hundred times just so the person knows.

I hate staying up at night questioning things I’ve done in the past and worrying about things that haven’t happened in the future.

I hate always worrying about things.

I hate being out in public because I’m in my own world sometimes. Physically I’m there but in my head, I’m not.

I hate the moments where I need to break down, only it isn’t the appropriate time to.

And I hate not knowing when something really little will set me off.

I hate the anxiety of being late even though I know everyone said not to get there on time.

I hate the worrying what people think because as much as I try and play like I don’t care, I really do.

Anxiety tells me, no one likes me and here are 50 reasons why.

Anxiety makes me want to apologize for all of these things.

And when you first meet me, you won’t notice this is what I’m like.

I’ll hide it behind nail biting and tapping and excuse myself in public. I’ll hide it being listening instead of speaking. I’ll hide it behind a busy schedule and always doing things. The truth is if I’m busy I’m not thinking too much about anything other than the task at hand. At first, I’ll do everything to hide it.

Hide the fact it took me 30 minutes to make a decision weighing out every pro and con. Hide the fact it takes me two hours to get ready because in my head everything looks awful on me and anxiety tells me so. Hide the fact I have minor panic attacks if I’m late to something or if I’ve overslept. And how something so little can change a day that’s hasn’t even begun yet.

I’ll hide the fact I’m exhausted because I didn’t sleep last night thinking about something that may never happen.

And as you get to know me, you’ll begin to see how much anxiety plays a major role in my life.

And when you realize the truth, you’ll realize what I’ve had to live with most of my life. I’ll apologize for being this type of person.

I’ll apologize if it’s something you can’t second-hand deal with because there are times I can’t deal with it myself.

But at the same time, I can’t change it.

At the same time, I know I’m always going to live with this thing that dictates a lot of my life.

So I’ll always say sorry.

I’ll be sorry for the things I do and the things I don’t. But through your acceptance and understanding of something I’m still struggling to understand myself, comes a love for you and all you are.

Only lately I’ve begun to realize, you don’t have to love everything about yourself before someone else does. Sometimes it takes someone loving those bits of yourself you reject, sometimes it takes hearing someone say it’s okay to be like this. It’s only then you begin to accept yourself for all you are but more than you realize, you don’t have to be sorry.

______________________________________

I hope my fellow mental health warriors enjoyed this as much as you did and if you have not checked out Kristin’s articles – I highly recommend them (check the links in beginning of post)!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Do you have anything special going on? I plan on catching up with all of you and hopefully finishing a long and open post for later today.

Talk to you soon!❤️

Katrina