Case of the Mondays

Hello friends & happy Monday!!

So, I tried to blog Friday, then again over the weekend and I just did not feel creative. I tried and wanted to chat with all of you but just could not find the words or…anything. It was sad! So today my friends, I am forcing myself and I do feel a little more lively today.  I FREAKING MISSED YOU!

Okay, so let’s see… what did I do this weekend…

Friday: I was brain dead. It was such a busy work week in comparison to what we have been and I dated things in July…so there was that. I FREAKING thought it was July friends. Needless to say, I went home and just shut down. As an introvert, too much stimuli can wear me down. I feel like I did not do much “self care” if you will – so powered down like a damn robot is what I did.  I came across this a while ago and it is so perfect & true. This was me… but imagine brown hair and 3 dogs around me versus the cat haha. Most people probably would think this is lame but, it is a necessity in order for me to be a somewhat social and functioning human being.

Image result for introvert cocoon

Saturday: Was not much better. I am pretty sure I finally rolled out of bed at like 1P and showered at 3P. I nap, stir, watch Netflix and repeat. I did eventually order pizza and texted with a few people – very limited socializing haha. Then, a burst of energy hit and I started cleaning the house like a mad woman. Reorganizing my closet, still sifting through clothes for donations, dusted, put away my heavy boots (FINALLY!), steam cleaned the carpets and cleared a lot of clutter – my soul was much happier in the end. It was worth dealing with my dust allergy… kinda. Fun fact – my allergist told me that I should clean with a mask on. I have yet to do this, I find it silly but…. times like Saturday & Sunday I realize that perhaps I DO need one and that this doctor MAY know what he is talking about….maybe I will look for some fun ones? Anyway the “Mad Housewife that is NOT a wife at all but merely a crazed dog mom/cleaning machine vibe” continued into the wee hours  – look fucking out world! I am usually ready for bed by 10P!

Sunday: The madness continued. I decided I was going to shave my dog, I realize this may sound a bit… off. But I have fluffy dog problem and my girl Sydney was rocking some SERIOUS dog pantaloons? Pup-Pants? Fuzzy Butt? Butt fluff???? I am not sure what the correct term is but they were getting a bit out of control annnnnd her tail was a bit long too. So I channeled my inner dog groomer and went to town. I should have done a “before and after” but this all was a bit random and really did not plan for the fashion shoot 🐕 #fail. Regardless she seems like a happy pup! Just look at her!  My grooming skills must have passed the Syd test! ♥️

Derp!

I hope everyone had a good start to the week! I am drained from the day (again) – sorry my that I don’t have too much to report…… EXCEPT FOR THESE BAD ASS SOCKS! 👇🏻 AREN’T THESE INCREDIBLE!? They are so me and btw…I have a thing for fabulous socks! Stripes, dots, houndstooth, nerdy and witty – love them all! 

 Monday morning gifts from friends are the best ♥️ ! 💁🏼💁🏻

That is really all I’ve got today guys, how was your weekend!? Tell me ALL THE THINGS. 
xoxo,

Rosy cheeks, music and sloth mode photo challenge addition.

Hello my friends!

Happy Wednesday! What the hell where did the time go!? Well… I missed last weeks photo challenge. I totally thought I would get that posted before hand – oops! So here are my additions to the WP Weekly Photo Challenge – Reflecting :

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Reflecting

WHEW! Now that I can sleep tonight for adding those, I will add this weeks another day haha.


Back to life…

GIVE ME RED WINE OR GIVE ME DEATH: Adulthood is filled with doctor’s appointments. Seriously, I have been to some sort of doc like 3 times in the past week. BTW annual check ups are so important, make sure you are scheduling them and taking care of yourself!

Ahem… excuse my Mom moment there.

Today’s visit was to the dermatologist.

Image result for grey's anatomy dermatology meme
Grey’s Anatomy – Brave New World (Dermatology Episode)

I have never had the pleasure and of course when I would go, there was an irate fella screaming at the poor derm assistants. I felt bad for them. Here they are, in this lovely place and Mr. I have been late the past 3 times (from what my sonar ears overheard) was not happy that he made this trip again without being seen….apparently this man needs a watch or a lesson in punctuality….I was not the one to make mention to this angry little man.

I did not realize that I needed my Hulk pants on today nor did I realize that I needed to channel my inner Bruce Banner to get my irritated skin checked out. Also, I was just completed “Active Aggressor” training for work last week, it was still fresh in my mind. RUN, HIDE OR FIGHT was replaying in my head…also the fact that I should always go for the eyes if I indeed do choose to fight. This was the lovely Public Safety/Secret Service man’s words, not mine. So keep that in mind friends! ALWAYS GO FOR THE EYES! Or hide, which will probably be my go to.

Anyway! Back to my skin…No my friends, green hulk skin was not my issue (or perhaps the lack there of was?) – redness is my issue. I have been struggling with sensitive skin for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, as I have aged it has progressed into angry, all the green concealer in the world will not cover this shade issue. Additionally, my skin started to get lesions, more broken capillaries, itchiness and my face just fucking hurts now. So, I figured now is the time. The lovely Doc looked at my makeup-less face and immediately said rosacea. Of course, I figured this by all my “expert” Googling and experiences. This obviously needs to be fixed  because, how am I am going to convince a man to “put a ring” on it one day  looking wine drunk 24/7! Jk…Kinda .  

 Then it happened… this man had the nerve to inform me of “triggers” that worsen this rosy cheek/lush/always embarrassed look… Spicy foods – no prob, I do not really care for it but RED WINE!? I LOVE RED WINE! “white is better for rosacea patients…”

I am sorry? Clearly this man does not know me…which we did just meet so I will give him a pass because…. red is the only wine that I really enjoy. So…as he writes up my new care plan and writing scripts, I am thinking about my coffee that is waiting in my car for me… that must now “be left to cool” or drink iced coffee to help with this whole “situation.” FINE. So the very important part of this story is… Do you happen to have any White Wine recommendations?! I guess I am going to have to find my budget puny wine in white… that is right. I picked up this bottle of “Sheep Thrills” based solely on the pun. I live shamelessly…Or sheepishly? !

Image result for sheep thrills wine

Just take it all in… it’s beautiful^. Wait…WHAT IF I AM A LUSH!?

Moving on!

Music in my ears: Something crazy happened today, I actually listened to music at work. I had mentioned this in a blog a long time ago regarding my depression. I have recently been listening to it in the car and now in the office. I honestly cannot remember the last time I did this. Not even bird songs….which is a whole other thing. Just silence. I am sure this means something… perhaps everything is coming back together. I am feeling closer to friends, I am getting more motivated (aka – I set up my printer and cleaned my office!), I have new business adventures on the horizon and loving it. Caterpillar…well we are talking and doing okay at the moment, there is more SUN now that we are in Spring FULL SWING! So…without me realizing it, perhaps I popped out of the rabbit hole for a bit? My co-worker even noticed the music playing today… that is a real friend by the way 🙂 they know you better than you know yourself.

Blog LogI just wanted to take this tim to thank all of my followers again! I cannot believe that I have 200 people who are actively or once interested in what I have to say. You guys are pretty much the best! I have made friends around the world, found fellow sufferers/warriors of different kinds and with different backgrounds regarding mental health and chronic illnesses (thank you for all your support and I hope you feel supported from me as well!). I have also found fellow lovers of photos and snapping them – it is so wonderful to have you all here *ugly cry face*. THANK YOU AGAIN!

Speaking of Blog Love, I was nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award! THANK YOU @tiredmindtypingfingers ! I did not forget and will be posting it soon – PROMISE!

xoxoxo,

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Dogs, Moms and hikes with frogs! Also 200 FOLLOWERS!?

Hello friends!

Oh, how I missed you all! Come on in for an awkward group hug! ❤

Well, I took some “me” time this weekend and went hiking this weekend… Against my better sinusitis judgement, but it was worth it (I think). I got out, stretched the legs, took a couple photos, took my time with the day and played with pups…it was nice. I did not have reception though, so I feel so disconnected from the world – SO BEHIND ON ALL THE THINGS!

Here are some photos of my adventure – I did not edit them… Because I’m still in sloth mode – but I hope you enjoy them! 🖤

Let’s see here…

Sloth Mode – I am so sorry I am behind on reading your comments and posts! I have already started my replies and reading some, I will be catching up today for sure! Thank you for not forgetting about me and being patient – love you all!

I also realized that I did not even do a my photo challenge for last week… hopefully I will get that done before the next one rolls out :).

Boss Babe Vibes – I felt like I did some serious work here? Turns out when I looked at my “to-do” list…I crossed off like 2 things. So there is that… I ordered my business cards (YES!) ordered a few things that I needed for my home office, which is def something I need to channel all my extra energy into this week. My printer is not even hooked up and I need to create and PRINT! Ugh… I have piles of laundry in my office?? So in terms of work environment, it does not exist. I will get there :).

So the product that I will be selling, which is so near and dear to my fair, sensitive, crazy ass skin is… (drum roll) … is natural bath, body and home products. The fun thing is, you can create your own scent with essential and fragrance oils – it’s a pretty fab idea. In addition, you can customize the label to anything you want – like my title for a new lotion was inspired by Alice of course and named it “Wildflower.” Anyway, so I went all crazy lady in concocting this signature scent for me 🙂 it was lovely and I cannot wait to get it. I also made a natural flea and tick spray for my puppers because I take being a dog mom very seriously lol…. *obsessively checking email for updates*.

Not so social media – I took a bit of a break from posting every day for the IG #selflovebootcamp with @omgkenzieee , I feel pretty mixed about it. I did not keep up with the challenge /commitment but man – it was too consuming with all the feels and whatnot. Perhaps I will do a weekly version? I am still thinking on how I can do this so I can still feel human and work towards a better me. Additionally, not lose sight of what my DOTMK IG was for, while it is all mental health related, if I have to post one more pic of me specifically, I may just lose it haha. I am tired of seeing it myself all haha.

Sore Legs & Self Love – My hike kicked my ass too. I am a pro at hibernating like you have never seen. Sleep all day and all night without a prob?! ME! Perhaps it is because of all my insomnia days. My body is finally resting? Or perhaps I am still depressed, humm! Regardless, I got out and moved which I need to do more of. I have to get my cholesterol checked again this week to compare since I have had high levels for the past two years and I have not done much about it. I know… people see a petite gal and do not think cholesterol probs but it is very real my friends. It comes in high doses of pizza and napping haha. So I am going to try to do better, it is all I can do. Same with everything else in my life I suppose, I am a work in progress friends, a true hot mess of a human haha. Which reminds me, I saw this shirt from www.lookhuman.com quite fitting eh!?

Speaking of Mothers – I did spend some time with mine yesterday, despite our um… unique relationship. I got her a card and tried to find the perfect Hallmark card for her. However, there is not a “eh you probably did your best” version. I tried to find one, trust me. Instead, I flipped through sappy cards that just did not fit and ended up settling with one that seemed full of lies and flowers. I am glad that it is over, I did my part world.

I got a couple “happy dog mom” texts and even received a homemade card from Caterpillar which was super kind, he used photos that I did not even realize that he took of me and my heathen dogs. This is his second year doing this for me, so perhaps he does care? Who knows 😉 . Can I say that homemade gifts are the fucking best? Like even simple things, I would take a drawn stick figure over some overpriced thing any day. Maybe I am just easily pleased haha.

The GRIND – Work is about to kick up for me as it is intern season – RUN! I will do my best to keep up with all of you fabulous people.

BLOG – OMG! I hit 200 FOLLOWERS today!!!! 🎉 THANK YOU MY LOVES!!! You all are the best and I can’t wait to keep learning about all of you 🙏🏻. Thanks again for all your support 😘. #blessed #dancingforjoy

Ahem. Sorry – got excited 😁

How was your weekend!? Did you receive anything for Mother’s Day? Do anything different or exciting? TELL ME EVERYTHING! 😘😘

Love you all and talk again soon! 

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Do my patchy eyebrows go well with my C-3PO Socks? What about my shoodles? Oh,OK. 

Hello my beautiful people/friends/followers!
I hope you all are doing well and that your week has been treating you kindly. It is almost FRIDAY – woo! It has been a long week, at least it feels like it has been. The sad thing is, I spent most of it sleeping due to my sinus infection and yet it still feels so long….So let’s move on, grab some tea and get caught up eh!?



Addiction & Mental Health Post
– THANK YOU so much for all the kind feedback regarding my post about addiction and mental health. Writing on this topic was a little out of my comfort zone and I felt it was not my best work but the “clicks” and sweet messages were very much appreciated. I hope to keep expanding on this in the future by doing more research and connecting with more of you. Thanks again!

IG #selflovebootcamp challenge with @omgkenzieee – Whew! Let me tell you, this has been kicking my ass to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing the other “bootcampers” grow and share their stories. That is what it is all about right? Getting the word out there, sharing and passing on words of encouragement…which I try to do this with as many as I can. They are just hard topics and to post photos along with them makes it all the more difficult. Talk about vulnerability my friends – ugh! Today’s challenge was the big one that I was waiting for: #scarrednotscared since I have had so many surgeries and it has greatly impacted me in many ways, before them, during the recovery and even after the scars have faded a bit, my body has just been through a lot I suppose. I think I may take a break from the daily posts and catch up when I am feeling more energized, we will see. I am just too tired…zzz. 

Is too much self reflection exhausting to you too??
*On a related note..the positivity that is being spread around due to this camp is amazing though, so please do go check out the hashtags listed in my blurb, they are truly inspiring!!

Blog Life – Guys! I just reached 180 followers! I know this is not a “typical” milestone but I had a bit of a dry spell if you will in regards to new followers. I know that is not really the “point” of my blog and not the real goal but it is exciting to see more people want to follow along and read my posts! So Thank you again friends, I love you all 🙂 



Boss Babe Life
– This has also been kicking my ass but in a good way. There is just so much to learn about marketing in this day (all the social media YIKES), perks and cons of sales. It is all super exciting, I always wanted to be my “own boss” if you will and perhaps that may fully be the case one day… aka: I always wanted to own a coffee shop, oh how I miss it! It would be funky and my own little hole in the wall – ONE DAY. For now, I work the FT job and learn more about business and educating others about something I feel very passionate about on the side. I also booked a vending spot for June – outside of the Hatter Brunch eeeee! I cannot wait to get things going :).

Love Life – What is this even really? Can we just talk about how lucky I am because once I would start dating again…post Fuckboy…everyone is so fucking broken and scared. What ever happened to good ole, sticking by yo’ man and vice versa? I am talking long strolls in nature, ice cream treats and hair blowing perfectly in the wind (hopefully not IN the ice cream – that is not sexy). Not giving up? Actually talking things out? Also, this ghosting thing? Why. WHY IS THIS THE GO TO OPTION NOW? 

WHAT. IS. THIS. SHIT. 

I have seen many posts about this too, even my fellow blogging friends here have mentioned this a time or two. I know we are on a feminist and mental health kick right now world and I can & am behind that too…. But can we really focus on this as well?! I mean…. At this point the population may just decline a bit because people are just giving up! #rantover

Anyway, let me just reeeeel it back in a bit here.  Honestly, things in my “love life” are…okay. By that I mean, I’m focused on so many things right now to even really dwell? <— this may not be exactly what I’m looking for… but I have chatted with Caterpillar here and there. We just have this pull for one another I suppose and that’s about all I’m going to say about that at the moment since I’m still feeling this thing out. Not to worry though my friends who have been “tuned in” to the saga that is Caterpillar & Kat. I have heard you all and I agree with all your advice and love so with that – I have my eyes PEELED, heart guarded and more vocal to Mr. Caterpillar than ever. We both have and it’s been better. 

Now to wrap up my post here – let me explain my blog title…

Some days, I wake up to my work alarm and just say… Fuck it. This happens more days than not anymore lol. But I usually take a makeup bag with me… Just in case I want to feel human and throw some war paint at work. I’m sure my co-workers thank me when I do 😅. But today was NOT one of days. I didn’t do shit today besides barely get dressed. My scarred and patchy eyebrows did not get filled in today (sorry cbus). They long to be full, filled in and fabulous – just not today sorry brows. To top of my level of “not giving a fuck” I proudly slipped my feet into C-3PO socks and then continued to shove my 29 year old feet into a pair of canvas slip-ons that are covered in dog doodles – dubbed Shoodles by Bark & Co. In terms of business casual….I was more casual.  However world, that is what you get when I am down with a sinus infection. As my dear friend Sunshine said today “it would be nice to go a week without getting sick.”

I could not agree more. 


So my friends, that is my little update. How is your week going!? Tell me all about it! 

P.s.- I will be getting to your comments soon! Thanks for hanging in there while I zombie through with this infection ♥️. 

Xoxo 😘,

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Addiction & Mental Illness

Hello friends!

To continue with the theme of Mental Health Awareness, I wanted to branch a little further and address addiction and substance abuse as well – as it is not uncommon for some to suffer from both, otherwise known as co-occurring disorders.

**Please remember, I am not a physician – just a gal sharing her experiences and providing resources**

It seems like over the past couple years, I have heard more about heroin overdoses than I ever have. It is scary, I have personally known friends who struggle with addiction and it greatly impacts their lives…their families and children. It saddens me greatly to hear about someone I know who cannot seem to stay in treatment despite what they have been blessed with or the support system around them. I am not sure if stigma has something to do with this, or what. My struggle with substances have never been that level of destruction, so if you have any insight on this and why it can be a struggle for the addict, I would love to hear your thoughts or stories!

“Millions of Americans suffer from anxiety disorders, and millions also suffer from substance use disorders. The illnesses can develop independently from one another, or one can cause the other.

Although people with anxiety disorders don’t always develop substance use disorders, or vice versa, research shows strong associations between the two. An estimated 18 percent of all people with substance use disorders have an anxiety disorder.”

– DrugRehab.com

In my own personal experience, the few addicts that I know, do have issues with coping and this is their release. The quick fix if you will, that we have all heard about over the years. We must help encourage change! If you or someone you know is struggling – try to make that first step in assisting them or yourself. There are many helpful resources out there both locally and beyond. For further information or help finding treatment near you, family or friends – please check out the below links:

 

Continue to be strong my friends, not only for you but your loved ones as well!! ❤

xoxo,

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Monday Catch Up

Hi friends!

I hope you all had a great weekend! Did you do anything fun?? My weekend consisted of…

Friday – I attended a wedding  🙂 ! It was very cold and rainy for a barn/rustic wedding but I am very happy for the couple. Yayyy.

Saturday – Thank goodness was warmer, let’s see…I woke up to a text from Caterpillar (for another day) and did some adult things! I got my car serviced so she is happy and filled with new fluids now and can quit flashing the service light at me – yeeessssh so needy. This also took about 2 damn hours, the next place I go to will be beside a bar or restaurant… Just saying.

I started going down hill later in the evening and I think it was because of my Friday night continuous jitterbug dance (aka: shivering). I could see my breath in the wedding venue, I just want that to be noted. The beer did not help matters, perhaps a hot toddy should have been the “featured drink.” Ah, Ohio weather, you really know how to mess up plans.

 

Anyway, so I rested the rest of the evening and watched some Netflix as usual with the puppers. Then I really started going down hill – again. I have  mentioned my battle with the raging allergies and pollen over the past few weeks and I have a suspicion that all the congestion has progressed into an infection. I have finally decided that I am going to the clinic to get checked out since well… I am part zombie at the moment. I hope they can help a girl out.

 

Sunday – I literally slept all day. I would wake up to take my meds, re-adjust my blankets/pillows/dogs and to grab some crackers. That was about it my friends. I needed to work in the flower beds but….it just did not happen. Maybe next weekend? After I obtain a sexy respirator/mask to help with the allergens.


Instagram Mental Health Challenge Update – In my Mental Health Awareness post, I mentioned that I signed up for Kenzie Brenna’s “Self Love Boot-Camp.” We are given a daily post challenge to help promote mental health awareness. So far, I think it has been good for me and many others. I hate “having” to post something on Insta every day, but it does help promote thought and build such a great community. I have been contacted by a couple other “bootcampers” if you will during this process and the love and support that comes from these strong individuals is incredible.

Many have multiple mental health issues and are still fighting today. If you have the chance, please check out the hashtag #selflovebootcamp on Insta and read some of these amazing stories, add a comment of support, repost something you love or facts  – I am sure the participants would love it :). Keep spreading the word my friends!

I hope to hear from all of you and your weekend fun!

xoxo,

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Weekly Photo Challenge – Danger

Hi friends! I hope you all are having a great day 🙂 . I just wanted to drop in to complete my Weekly Photo Challenge, featuring DANGER . Unfortunately, it is rainy out here in Columbus  – so I am not feeling up to go find a new photo today. However, I was able to re-feature the below since it was perfect for the theme!

Also… I wanted to send you all my love. Thank you so much to everyone who read my previous post regarding my mental illnesses. Your kind words and support means so much to me. Honestly, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Enjoy the rest of your week and I am sure we will be chatting again soon! ❤


Danger!

 

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Mental Health Awareness Month!

Hello friends & happy Wednesday! ❤

As most of you probably know, May is Mental Health Awareness month! YAY! This is super huge for me since I have been struggling for many years.

The last year and a half was a big slump for me in regards to recovery in adulthood. My fellow mental health warriors, you may experience this too – but it comes in waves. Some days/months/year(s) go by with little to no symptoms and other times it feels like a brick hit you in the face (or treats to a puppers face) and you feel ALL THE THINGS!

So, in honor of this beautiful month – I wanted to share a summary of my history with mental illness and what I am doing this year to honor it – since I am a bit stronger than last year!


The History: My “relationship” with mental illness probably started when I was in my later years of middle school. I do not remember the exact age anymore as it’s all a little blurry at this point in my life. I do recall the feeling of overwhelming sadness, numbness, anxiety and losing my will to live. Which, is scary thought to have that young.

I remember looking for ways to “feel” again. At that point, it had consumed me and had been for a while. I danced sharp objects along my skin, the burning, the color and feeling was the only feeling that came alive. Glowing red metal rods laid across my skin and pills by masses to try to get away from it all. I also remember driving and being tempted to just close my eyes.

My life, even in my younger years came with its complications. I had mentioned some of it in my “How the hell did I end up this way” post. There is always more to every story but I like to keep things going, I did and will hit all the highlights?? <– I need to find a better word here!

Depression is an evil bitch

Fast forward through the long dark days…There came a time when I snapped to and realized I had to get help. At the rate I was going, I think my story would have ended quickly. So, for whatever reason – inner strength took over my darkness for long enough to gain to courage to speak to my mother. Which…why I chose her to open up to at this moment, I will never know but I did. This was the woman who scrutinized my appearance regularly and informed me that I looked fat several times through out my life. You see, she has always been petite and we have been close in weight for as long as I can remember, so god forbid if I started to look like I as growing out of that mold.

Anyway, informing my mother that I no longer wanted to live and that I needed to go to the doctor was one of the hardest things that I had to do. She seemed to care and then handled it poorly afterward. I remember bits and pieces of going to my doctor, completing tests and having that hard discussion with her. I was put on antidepressants and agreed to counseling. I have never felt so lost and scared in my life.

Counseling was strange for me. I did not care for my therapist or her dated orange and brown decor through out her office. I think part of it was because my mother was in the room with me majority of the time, which she took over the conversations and reminded the woman that I was “fine.” She just did not get it.

She further proved that she did not get it by providing a less than supportive relationship. Which, is still true to this day. Versus actually talking to me, it was like I was living with a prison guard with strip searches to see make sure there were no fresh wounds. Which I can understand, but I feel there are better ways to go about it  – rather than throwing demands around and talking down to your child during these searches. She just looked at me as if she hated me, or perhaps she felt that she had failed on some level and it bothered it and came pouring out of her eyes. She already had a troubled child, so I don’t think she had room for me to struggle too… I suppose I can sympathize with that now?

Further more, my new medication made me feel nauseous – as many others you have taken these kind of meds, they can be rough until your body gets used to them. So now, since I could not eat without wanting to vomit, my mother viewed it as now an “eating disorder.” She would force me to clean my plate even if I told her if I ate one more bite, I will probably get sick. Which happened numerous times because when you have a level of anxiety – you already feel that way. Throw in some anti-depressants and you know what? You just don’t have the best appetite and that is okay, you are adjusting. When I did get sick, she would yell and say see – I told you. “I knew you were throwing up after eating!” No, actually I did not have an eating disorder at the time…but thanks Mom. That did happen, just in my adult years.

I managed to stick to my therapy and medication and I did start to feel better. More alive and a bit more happier.  It took some time and some dosage adjustments but I got to a point of no longer wanting to harm myself and wanting to be able to walk this fine earth as a young person should. I am not sure exactly how long it took as I am getting old these days 😉 but the important part was I made it. It was not easy, reflecting on this point in my life – I believe there were a lot of factors that played into this outside of genes (they were stacked against me too). I am also sure that it took a significant amount of time of general sadness to get to my breaking point as well.

Anxiety and insomnia still was an issue from time to time. It really kicked up again around 18 – probably with adulthood, college and who knows what else. Luckily my college therapist was helpful in providing techniques to help me cope with panic attacks. I started back on my meds and tried to really focus on self care at this time. To be honest though, I have been dealing with anxiety ever since…in those waves that I was speaking of :).

Self image became an issue in my early adult years. I have always been told that I was “small, tiny, petite, anorexic, bulimic, had nothing to worry about and weird/tomboy.” I still remember this time in class when a man asked me if I ever ate without throwing it back up…. thanks fella. Reallly nice.

However, it did become an issue eventually. I was in a bad relationship with someone who made me feel less than. To put it simply, he was physically and verbally abusive and beat my confidence and self worth down. It resulted in me weighing roughly 75-80 lbs in my adulthood. Granted even when I was younger…I believe now, I can call it social anxiety?? But I had a fear of eating in front of people. The cafeteria in school was my nemesis. All the kids. All the food. Perhaps there is some sort of eating disorder theory in there as well??? Lord who knows – I am a mess haha.

When I finally got out of that bad situation, which took time. Planning an exit from someone like this must be done carefully. He obviously did not handle it well and probably would have reacted poorly regardless. Unfortunately, he did end up stalking me, he would show up at the local mall where I would be shopping, or restaurants where I was having dinner with friends and even showed up at my house. Trying to get over that fear while trying to repair myself again – whew. This time, it also meant physically and mentally. Again, I over came and now happily weigh in with triple digits on the scale and have been steadily since 2012-2013ish. While body image is something that I still struggle with after my many surgeries, the important thing to remember is it is progress. I am better than what I was before and that is key.

Mid 2015 is when my anxiety took on a form that I had never encountered before. I had gone through several ups and downs in life regarding my mental health and outside of it but this was different. It was something that I literally could not handle. Feeling anxious and insomnia again was not a stranger to me. I live a life that tailors to these needs – most would probably deem boring but it is my life and I have accepted this.

This was the first time in my life that I would need to check in somewhere for observation. I. LOST. IT. Best part? My breaking point occurred at work. I had to get out immediately, after reaching out to my employee assistance program – I informed my boss in little words as possible that I had to go without worrying her….. but one more issue… I take the bus (which was very hard for me at first too btw)…so I had to step up and take an uber to my car. One, I don’t like not being in control of the vehicle that I am in. If I trust you to drive me – congrats! Second, I don’t do taxis or ubers….the amount of germs, smells and general feeling of out of control does not vibe with me.. third, it was a 35 dollar trip easily. However, it had to be done.

This is where the medical field failed me and I have heard similar stories and it is so heartbreaking to me. I did not feel in control, I could not breathe, I could not function, I literally did not know what happening but all I can say is, I did not feel myself. I was not me, I felt literally insane or that I had “snapped.” I attempted to get into our local psych center…for anything consult, treatment, or whatever. However, they were at capacity and since I was not “that bad” I had to find elsewhere. This was the story for the next 3 calls that I tried. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless, trying to find someone to care when you do not even know how you are going to get home or what may happen to you. I was finally able to get into a physician…. 2 weeks later. How was I able to get manage this? Sadly, this is so common and for some people that 2 week wait has cost their life – no joke. Fortunately, my psychotic break was more controllable? (somehow I managed this…I will never know how) versus severe depression/suicidal. Luckily my boss was understanding enough during this time, my then fiance was….I don’t even know but he was there (at the time). I was able to hang on until my appointment where we had a full work up, got a referral in for a specialist, adjusted my medication and added in more…it was overwhelming but I hung in there the best that I could. I began intense therapy, maintained my strict medication regiment, tried my hand at self care and then my now ex (Fuckboy), abandoned me in December 2015. I guess I should be thankful that I was already medicated at that point. Perhaps he could not face being married to someone with severe anxiety, who knows. The key was, I was trying to take care of myself while planning a wedding with little help. Honestly, I thought I was doing well. I had the “supportive” partner who had been my best friend for years and we had helped another through it all – before and after we were together. Life was on the up and up….until he decided otherwise. Since I was medicated, when he left I always asked people (friends, family & associates) if they saw it coming. The answer was always no – whew so I was NOT crazy :). We even had Friendsgiving where Fuckboy stated he was thankful for me and put on this great speech where he pulled a fast one and even pulled it by my good friend Sunshine- who does not miss a damn thing! Anyway, after I had to handle that mess – I took some serious time off. I had to, granted I am still struggling to this day with building PTO…. it was worth it.

My anxiety/episode recovery has been hard since I did not see that life changing event coming during it. Learning to trust people again, regaining my self worth and learning to live independently has been really fucking hard. However, I have kept up with therapy. I know that leaving someone without reason, leaving all their shit  behind for you to handle, not telling their own family what they did and not forwarding their mail is THEIR problem and not mine. Abandonment is never okay and that is something that I have had to accept and the fact that I will never really know the reason why this happened.

My medication has increased over the past year, I still struggle with insomnia and anxiety but I am stronger than I was a year ago – mentally and physically. I am able to stand on both feet and take on the world the best that I can. Some days are still hard… There are times that I cannot get out of bed for several days, at times my anxiety is so bad that I cannot leave the house and it does impact my day-to-day.

Most do not realize all that is going on behind the scenes in recovery and that is fine – because this is my journey and if they don’t notice – I must be keeping it together…..(right!?) hahaha. I am happy to report that I got through that very dark period aka – all of 2016 without thoughts of suicide and while I have lost some weight, I am still healthy. This has been my healthiest recovery to date and I am quite proud.

I may still be a mess but hey – I have a good heart dammit and worthy of love! Now let’s transition into what I am doing this year since I feel stable, happy and productive during Mental Health Awareness month!

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Present day! May 2017: Since I am someone who has clearly struggled with some shit – it has become my mission to give back to the mental health community in anyway that I can. I have done this by sharing my story with friends, family, here, through sites, beating down the stigma in anyway that I can, looking to become an advocate for local mental health chapters, donations, spreading the word, educating others, remembering to be kind – you never know what people may be fighting inside and by participating and supporting Kenzie Brenna during her self-love boot camp on Instagram- which encourages others with mental health disorders to share their stories through social media (there is a focus on body image but it is helpful for everyone), ensuring others that they are not alone!

You can learn more on the link provided or check her out on Instagram, along with her supporters @omgkenzieee and searching #selflovebootcamp. There is a new topic each day and so many people are opening themselves up to vulnerability – it is beautiful. I am going to push myself to participate every day, but some topics are harder than others as you can see in the calendar below. However, if this will help push me to become a more whole person – why not? Although, I do struggle with vulnerability…my therapist can attest to this :).

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FINALLY! If you made it through that entire post – you get a cookie! I know it was long so thank you for listening to my story, ignoring any typos that came out during the flow! Yoda best!

I want to ask all of you to do something for Mental Health Awareness this month too! It is so important to keep bringing awareness! Sometimes individuals cannot make that 2 week waiting period to see a physician – we need to do something about this! So my friends/warriors, wear some green this month or ribbon! Participate in a challenge or walk, start a conversation, be there for a friend, spread some facts on social media, advocate and help influence positive policy reform, volunteer, share YOUR story if you have one and remember to take care of yourself and others!

Love you all xoxo,

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Follow me! IG: @DiaryoftheMadKatter  P: DiaryMadKatter

Monday coffee, birthday weekend recap and my stand off with the Foul Fowl 🦃

 

Good evening  friends & happy Monday to all of you! I have been away for a few days – so lets catch up shall we!?

Friday: I took my lovely puppers to the dog park in the evening, we all made some new friends – with and without fur. There is nothing quite like watching your once anxiety ridden dog play without fear and greet the occasional human – Sydney has been a work in progress since I got her in 2013? So proud dog mom moment :). Then the rain came and I had to pack up the pups and head home :). Ordered Chinese, started a Netflix binge – then BAM the storm knocked out my electric for… like 4 damn hours. Fun fact, I cannot sleep in a dead quiet home. I just can’t relax enough to sleep…also heard from Caterpillar during this black out but that is for another day….maybe.

Saturday: The Golden Birthday had arrived and I was quite exhausted and definitely too sleep deprived to get my photo taken for my ID…but such is life lol. After a nice leisurely hour, waiting to give the BMV all my monies – I finally got the adult portion of the day out of the way! VICTORY! So off to go do some crafty things with my friend P who also brought a lovely cake and flowers for my birthday – very sweet. She found a local painting place, so we found some cute ceramics and began painting, I chose a cute little gnome – I will make sure to share him after he is fired and looking fabulous in his colorful attire. Ironically, I did not see the name of the green that I chose for his coat right away… turns out it was called “jaded” so there is that…ahem… LOL. Anyway, we then had lunch and back to the homestead for this gal – I bought Barley a new toy  while I was out too! So I was happy to give that to him…for the 2 seconds that he had it, then Syd took it, ah siblings! I finished my evening with a ladies night in – wine, brownies, dog cuddles (true introvert moment – go to a party, love on the dog!) and great conversations – it was a good day after all. After much anticipation and excessive worry, I made it. Hello 29, here we go!! <– Still a little anxious haha.

Sunday: I slept in. I was lazy until I was forced to move and go to my fathers. He was making me a birthday dinner, so of course I had to go. I think I may have rolled out of my bed (aka: nest) around 2pm. This is what happens when you turn 29 apparently haha. Since my father lives in a farm house with yard to roam, I always load up a pup, oe two…or 3. In this instance I tried all 3, this was the first time trying to cram all 3 fifty-ish pound dogs…in my civic. Just try and picture that. Luckily, the blind pupper Ana, curls up in the passenger seat next to me and naps the entire time, the other two hang out the rear windows – slobber and fur flying everywhere, an image of pure bliss. I wish I was that happy all the time – yeeesh!

It turns out my father recently acquired a turkey. Yes, a live, waddling and terrifying turkey. I must have forgotten this little fact because judging by the size of this feathered BEAST – it clearly was an adult?

I am going to be honest with you, outside of my backyard avian friends…I don’t give a shit about birds. They terrify me. I mentioned in one of my previous posts about a couple interactions with these creatures that resulted in a few trust issues and what I would assume is a small form of PTSD.

I was greeted by this large, white mass of feathers. Yes, greeted. I rolled up dogs hanging out windows, loving life to face this… thing.

I refused to get out of my car.

In fact, I am glad to be here typing this today.  SO…I eased my little Civic to the safest place to park while I came up with my master plan.

Another fun fact: Sydney loves to chase the chickens (gotta love border collie mixes), when she saw this thing she CLEARLY wanted the challenge. The drool became excessive. I had to try to get her back inside the safe car, so I could roll up the windows… meanwhile this thing sang what I assume is its “war gobble” while staring into my soul, mocking me with its extensive wing flaps.

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This meme accurately showcases my turkey nemesis

So there I sat. I watched him slowly stalk around a bit, taking his sweet turkey time all the while trying to talk Sydney – the fierce bird chaser off the ledge. I just simply had to tell her… “Sydney, you do not want to go paw to claw with this one. You will get eaten, Ana will get scooped up and I will probably die some how in some tragic burst of feathers while the victorious bird drives off in my Civic.” As if Sydney understood any of this…

Yes, my friends that is where my crazy mind went to haha. Now, we waited. All dogs accounted for, it was a waiting game and perhaps dare I say a game of chicken and I was losing. It seemed like forever, but the turkey finally moved past my car, occasionally gobbling about – still mocking me strutting away to the barn. 

It was my chance. I quickly leashed up Sydney to protect her from doing anything crazy, like running towards the beast and losing an eye. Two blind dogs was not on my list post birthday. So I coaxed Barley and Ana and gently tugged Sydney inside the farm house as fast as my two legs and 12 paws would allow. Whew. The look on my father’s face said it all, I clearly looked terrified and as I explain my surprise of said bulbous turkey – he laughed.  

Thanks Dad. Way to laugh at your scared daughter and her crazy dog pack. 

So. After a few steady breaths, I released Syd and let the other pups roam the house – looking for scraps and pets. Dinner ended up being lovely, smoked ribs and corn – life couldn’t get any better for me. I passed on the salad… However, I want to note that during my meal on the porch,  I saw white fucker strut into my peripherals…He hunkered down and watched me. CLEARLY looking for round two. No mister Foul Fowl, not today. So I did what any logical adult would to, terrified of birds… I waited him out again. As soon as he went into his little home area/coop/war bunker, I waved goodbye to my father and encouraged my pups to play chase….Into the car. We drove off, without a…scratch and all accounted for – I’m just not sure if we will be visiting anytime soon 😂🦃. 

So that was my birthday weekend. It was low key, filled with love from few and survived Battle of the Turkey. 

How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting? Do you have ridiculous fears as well?? 

Thank you for all the birthday wishes as well! Barley and I appreciated the kind words and love! 

xoxo,

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The leap of faith and the anxiety that follows.

Hi friends & happy Friday! ❤

First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and comment on my last post, “Try a little Tenderness…” It was one of those emotionally fueled posts where pain and anger took the over the keyboard – so thank you again. Your kind words, support and honest advice truly helped me in my self reflection in this rather awkward time for me. I am going to do my best to be strong, remain positive and TRY to figure out my next steps regarding Caterpillar and my soul.

Now on to more positive things, I have officially signed up for my business endeavor with Sunshine has been guiding me along the way! It was official as of last night at like 9P or something, so YAY! I am going to be honest though, I am bit scared.

I am struggling with this war inside me, I think? It is hard for me to articulate my feelings from time to time…as in all the time :). I think what I am feeling is, I know I have the skills buried in me to be successful. However, stepping out of my comfort zone is hard for me. Talk about anxiety- YIKES.

I suppose after I get my bearings, it will be worth it. I just have to dig  up the confidence to punch those fears in the face! HA! Extra money is always worth it, I have a mortgage, 3 pups, myself, home remodeling to do and adult bills and at times it can be hard, as I never wanted to do this alone anyway.

I will have to earn my own success.

Working a 9-5 job, is easy. I know what is expected of me regardless if it is a terrible work environment or not. It is comfortable, it is a pattern and I love patterns. I also know the job in and out after 5 years in, as well as know what my paycheck will be every two weeks… it’s the fear of the unknown that gets me. I suppose that is what all of us with anxiety disorders feel and even the “normal humans” too.

This is when I realize that my generalized anxiety (GAD) is still very present in my life and the worry has already really set in. Nasty thoughts have been plaguing me since I started considering taking on this new venture: What if I fail, what if I embarrass myself, what if my klutzy self makes a huge disaster in front of PEOPLE and what if this that or other (insert any normal or exaggerated fear here) happens – chances are that I have already thought of it.

However, like some of you – I am in recovery and facing challenges such as this will only be good for me and Sunshine reminds me of this. So, I am taking a deep breath and going for it! Here is to my team’s future, may there be success, few casualties and triumph over anxiety!

I think that is about it for today. The weather is too overcast for me in regards to pictures. I am still processing the Caterpillar incident, feeling raw and also secretly hoping that I get a happy birthday from him tomorrow (stupid I know).

Fun fact: my pup Barley was born on April 29th as well! That’s right, we share a birthday! He will be 2 and I will be 29 Saturday…I was thinking about getting him a nice toy or making him a cake if I am feeling ambitious.

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Baby Barley – May 2015

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Barley -April 2017

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Birthday Buddies!!
 

I hope you all had a good week and I hope you have an even better weekend!

xoxo,

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