Hello dear friends!
It has been a while (my usual start to my posts these days)… Thanks for hanging in there with me! ❤️ I hope each of you are doing well & I send my love and hugs during this crazy time ❤️
Let’s see. As all of you know, there is this pandemic thing going on and life has been fucking nuts. This is part of the reason that I haven’t posted.
Life has been overwhelming.
I mean I know toilet paper is important but damn… I didn’t think it would become “gold status” if you will. I must say, I’m glad that we got through THAT & stores seem to be able to stay stocked these days🤞🏻.
So much has happened, I am often at a loss of words but I will do my best to give you an update on me. Soo. Rona has put me working from home 99% of the time & it’s been this way since March. I enjoyed it at first and I still do most days – but this no separation of work/home life can throw depression sprinkles on my already unbalanced cupcake of a life.
We also had to take a pay cut & we all have to take “cost savings days” sigh. It’s been an adjustment to say the least but I am thankful to still have a job (for now 👀). The phrase “cost saving” makes me nervous…I am just a dog mom trying her best to keep this house going and kibble in the bowls dammit. Ugh. Pandemic. Added depression & anxiety. Finances. Chronic illness.
It has been rough.
There was been some light though…Since I made the choice of separating from the previous man in my life…I feel lighter. As the days went on, my eyes got wider & while it took me a while to say it…he was abusive, narcissistic & terrible for my health. It was hard to accept that “I allowed that behavior” & for so long. But when you’re so invested – you want to try to push through & succeed. You want to try to make everything better, even if it meant losing yourself along the way. Which I did.
I feel like I have more clarity. My Endo flares have gone down & I’m working on “rewiring” my thought processes. I’m not the terrible person that I was made out to be (& often). I do bring things to the table & I am a good person. However, I am human & “adult enough” to admit that I am not perfect and I am sure that I could’ve done things better during the relationship as well. It’s a two way street as they say… unfortunately, this street was toxic af.
ANYWAY. What I’m trying to say is, I have done a lot of reflecting & while my brain is for the lack of a better term – fucked. I am trying to work past it. I met a fellow. We met through the love of motorcycles🙏🏻 & over the months I have grown to care for this human…a lot. He is well aware of my…lackluster history and he is patient. He doesn’t scream or cuss at me. He doesn’t give me the silent treatment for days or weeks. He seems to really accept me. The mental & chronic illness bundle of joy that I am. It’s fucking terrifying & beautiful.
Due to my past, I am very defensive now. I am a bit skeptical, suspicious & a little jealous at times. Those weak times….in fact, I am probably a pain in the ass to deal with sometimes lol but he hasn’t ran away yet. I guess I’m still a little broken…but you don’t see these things until a specific situation presents itself? I know, I know. It’s not fair for the past to impact the now…but I work on it everyday.
I try to do better. To be kind and let down my fortress walls (a little bit) to allow myself some happiness. To be cared for again but in a much healthier way.
OK moving along!
Due to the bitch Rona, I haven’t got to ride my motorcycle for adventures much. The little bit that I have gone out, pure bliss. Maybe if the Ohio weather cooperates and with businesses opening with precautions in place, I will get a little bit more ride time. We can hope.
Other than all of THAT….MY endometriosis pain has been looming more so recently 😕. I have been trying to take care of myself the best ways I know how. All the while trying to explain this madness to someone new, so they understand. .
Shit is bananas.
Sooooooo I think that will wrap this post. It’s almost 1:30a & should prob get some sleep.
Love you all & stay safe! Until next time…
PS. Sorry if this is a mess, the WordPress app is completely different since my last post annnd it’s late. I will try to proofread in the morning 😂😘