Never ending tulle and joker grins.

Shades of white surrounded me. Accents of tulle threatened to suffocate me and lace that was breathtaking in more ways than one.

Today I was surrounded by beautiful works of art with my dear friend – a bride-to-be.

I haven’t stepped foot into a bridal boutique since my…situation. I wasn’t sure what to expect or feel, but as soon as I walked through the glass doors, I couldn’t breathe.

But…today wasn’t about me. So, it was showtime and while I was feeling particularly low due to my current romance, I tried to plaster a smile on my face, when in reality it felt like a joker’s grin.

Wedding dress shopping.

Black suits flew across the floor, their perfectly manicured hands reaching for the “chosen” ones that each bride clothespined.

I was in the eye of a tornado.

Naturally, I was drawn to the father of the bride. I have known him for years, a fellow motorcycle enthusiast. We sat down while the beautiful bride to be, her mother and bridesmaid entourage filled the tiny isles that screamed trip hazard.

While each one fawned over the delicate beading, trains and the perfect bustline, I struggled to catch my breath.

Here we were. Two women, same age. Went through the same tragic situation of past failed engagements and here she is, supporting a new beautiful diamond ring and bright smile.

I am so happy for her, she truly deserves this.

When my mouth caught up with my thoughts, I looked at the father of the bride and stammered “some women are looking for their dream dresses to meet their future husbands and I am looking for a motorcycle. Sooooo that’s where I am at.”

We both chuckled and continued to chat about the madness unfolding before us.

To break the followed silence, he started to share details of his wedding in the Philippines – long before I was born. It was facinating to hear the story of his ex-wife, who was skirting the floor before us – flawlessly I may add. Sure, I wasn’t feeling particularly pro-wedding, but I am still a sucker for a love story. Even if it wasn’t happily ever after for them, hearing their experience warmed my heart.

I bet that electric blue suit was amazing.

The time came to where we were escorted to the golden chairs, to begin the show. While waiting, I took a look around at the surrounding platforms. Each had a blushing bride-to-be, supporting every dress style imaginable and variance of shape and size. Family and friends rallied, gasped and cried – I couldn’t stop gazing.

This was people watching at its finest. I just wish I felt more like celebrating.

Luckily for me, it was soon exposed that I was more of the tomboy friend or outcast really. The other gals knew exactly what to say and at the perfect time to our bride. They were all married and have been for years…even though we are similar in age.

I chalked up my failure to perfectly articulate my thoughts on sequins and veils in a cheerleader fashion…to inexperience.

This was not their first rodeo.

So there I sat – stress sweating and on the verge of a internal meltdown. I hope the poor bridesmaid next to me didn’t notice my madness. Sorry.

Negative thoughts bombarded me and my eyes started to sting. I had to remind myself again, this is not about me. Keep the show going, so I bit my lip hard and back to reality I went.

Unfortunately, the thoughts still lingered. My mind was screaming – I cant even get my significant other to talk to me right now and I don’t even know what I did.

Everyone else just seemed …so happy.

Don’t worry, I remembered to tell myself to smile and be present when needed.

An almost perfect show.

After the bride-to-be completed a few glitzy dress twirls, she went back to one that she felt was “it” ….one last time. When she came back out, I started crying. Her eyes were already filled and the rest of us followed.

Tragically, I couldn’t help but think my tears poured for several reasons – but the most important thing was, some were for her.

She said yes and the rest will be history.

Wedding dress shopping.

Half of me thinks that I will never be in those shoes again and the other half says if so, elope.

Poofy dresses with tulle was never my thing anyway.

I am drained and more than what I thought I would be. As I continue to wait to hear from my other half, I reflect back on today and let my mind wander further while in the comfort of my cocoon.

It will get better.

My heart wishes all of those girls the brightest future and flawless wedding, everyone deserves to be happy.

Until it’s my time, I will learn to find comfort in my tornado. Even if I am alone with my joker’s grin.


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