I apologize that this is going to be a bit of a downer post so, if you don’t want me to kill yo vibe, you may want to keep scrolling :).
I have thought about how I wanted to start this, but it’s hard because I’m a mess if I’m being honest. So it may be like a journal with bullets and it
maywill be a mess. Thank you all for being there.
Let’s see, how am I doing. Well, while the world around me is setting up there their Christmas lights, enjoying that cheer and looking forward? To family and plans. I have never felt so alone. But I have 3 doggos to help smother me with love I guess.
Assumed causes of hysterics
- I have probably had maybe 10 hours of sleep in the past 2 almost 3 days now. Tonight is not looking much better.
- My anxiety is through the roof and with the new meds, it feels odd. I feel odd.
- Disturbance in the relationship force. Which landed me into picking up my things from Caterpillars apartment tonight. I don’t know what the hell is going on there. I can’t even think about it anymore.
- Turns out my ex-fiancé’s good friend now works as HR at the local store in my small town. Since I have not seen him in a bit, I wasn’t sure but I totally saw him the other day and immediately looked away and scurried. Yes, scurried out the door to the safety of my car. Today I was not so lucky. There was no option to scurry. There I was, after work, red eyes and looking a damn mess (of course due to the above) grabbing dog kibble and ginger ale. You know, the necessities at this point. Kibble in the bowls and the good ole ale to try to settle my stomach. He caught me, as I was putting the exact change in my check out kiosk- I heard “Katrina” I looked around, didn’t see anyone that I knew, perhaps the lack of sleep is getting to me. Then I heard it again and there he was – fuck. I hate chit chat as is. This literally made me want to fake my death, pass out, stab myself in the eye, die, have sudden amnesia or run out the door like an adult but there I was. This conversation goes: Him: How are you?You still live around here? Me: yea. Him: Living with parents? (I’m sorry what), no I own a house here. Him: oh, by yourself? Me: yes. Him: oh well that’s not good. Thanks buddy. Him:Well I will see you around! Fucking great. Now I must pack up my dogs and live on the beach because I’m a damn mess and this sounds like the only logical thing to do. So I take my ass home.
- I have probably cried enough over the past few days to make a river for some fellow creatures to live in. For some reason I picture a little mouse with a paper boat. Which probably sounds crazy but that was the image that popped up. Sooo I guess cried my body weight is probably a better description. They are the ugly tears too. You know that horrid face you make when the world seems against you? That smile, weird thing..The ones with the gasps. Yup. Those. Because that was the only thing I could do.
- I did make it to work though despite my lack of sleep and hysterics – hooray for small victories. Little did I know my evening would be worse. I took my work day peace for granted.
- I should have stayed in bed.
- All I wanted was to come home and go to bed but that didn’t happen.
- Living alone is deafening when you’re blah. All I hear is ringing in my ears.
- It’s hard not to think you’re the problem when everyone leaves you.
So…thanks life. I appreciate you testing me, to make me strong – but fuck man. Can we please not pile up on me, especially while recovering from a recent depression episode Like, space it out a bit eh!? Okay, thanks.
So, I am finally in my bed. My pups feel my radiating anxiety and witnessed a few sobs and are being extra lovey. I don’t know where I stand with Caterpillar, I don’t know how to fix things or if I want to. I want to have all the answers, but that would be too easy. I guess, I just needed to vent because I needed another way to figure out these thoughts exploding in my head.
I hope you all had a better Monday and I hope Tuesday is even better.
Thank you for listening.