Hi friends ❤️
I am miserable with congestion, can’t sleep so why not blog right?! It’s been a good while – so cuddle up and here we go!
The past week plus has been more or so dedicated to my home updates. I have put a significant about of money and some work into it, but at the end of the day (and perhaps some over thinking) it still doesn’t feel like home to me.
I began to think, what does “home” feel like to others. How does one describe that feeling of “home?” I realize there are quotes out there that say “home is with you” so, some feel it with a person which I can understand more so than a structural place that I happen to store my things and sleep.
I decided that the places that I have lived over the years, were never that “homey” or felt like a safe place. I suppose it is because my parents separated as far back as I remember, like first grade. I never really had a designated home, I bounced around even before I could properly tie my shoes. I am unsure how I truly feel about this at the moment…
My home…I have slowly turned into my likes. I should be happy to come home (besides to these fabulous doggos) but it’s just a place to me. I want to think people feel proud, or happy of their created home but, I guess I’m not one of those people. Maybe one day it will be different, perhaps if I have a family to share this structural place with – it will be different. Or perhaps, I’m thinking too much about this.
I began pondering of places that make me feel the most calm, secure and carefree and my feelings of home fall inbetween bookcases of a book store, emersed into new ideas, magical lands and endless stories. The smell of books/paper, perhaps coffee lingering in the air and endless colors bring me pure bliss. Bonus points if there is a chandelier or retro feel as well.
Another place of home is craft stores, it has been a long time since I picked up a paint brush (besides for my walls last week!) And I truly miss it – the same goes to a graphite pencil… So I found myself in Michael’s earlier this week, lost in the smell of wood and for the first time in a bit, I was truly comfortable. The smells of supplies while aimlessly combing through the aisles – brought me back to that feeling of what I call home.
What is surprising is just 10 minutes prior to entering the craft store, infinite tears rolled down my cheeks while trying to dodge my fellow bus riders and that look. Some have seen me in this state before, they all probably think I’m a nutcase but I do try to avoid crying in public as much as possible. However, sometimes it’s unavoidable. Especially when you suffer from severe anxiety and depression, you just kinda have to accept that these meltdowns happen and sometimes for no reason. It is amazing that I completely turned around my mood, or rather got my shit together in such a short time frame…I truly forgot my love for arts, crafting and creating.
Camp fires under the stars and 5th gear wide open provide a feeling of home as well – however I do not camp nearly as much as I would like to. I miss it and perhaps, I will make that change in the near future too.
As I mentioned before, I have not heard from my therapist regarding setting up a well over due appointment so I think for now, while I look for a new person to chat to (er spill my guts to…), I will find my comfort, my feeling of home by visiting these areas more often.
So my question to you, what is home.to you!? Is it your actual residence? A place or person? What does it feel like?
Until next time ❤️