Soo something hit me like a rake to the face yesterday – for the first time in a good while, I had a manic episode…. yikes.
Which manic depression is something I am very familiar with because you know, I was diagnosed with it before it switched to the not so new-ish formal name of Bipolar Disorder. #oldschool
Basically, while many would not have noticed it – yesterday was a very bad mental day for me. I was a damn MESS – I was all over the place….and if I were a cupcake, my ingredients would be:
- Anxiety vs flour
- Mania vs sugar
- Depression vs cocoa powder
Lets just say….I had an anxiety attack in the Starbucks line with my co-worker next to me. I was so freaked out about what to order – trying to choose tea/coffee or iced/hot was just so overwhelming for me, that I just lost it. The SIGNS WERE SPIRALING! My co-worker must have felt the anxiety radiating out of me,as he looked at me (knowing my history) and says, are you having an anxiety attack?
YES. YES I AM – OVER TEA OR COFFEE! I JUST CANT TODAY!
The crazy thing, there was no one else in line, it was just us. I could have taken my time?
I know. That seems ridiculous right? However, this is very common for people who suffer from anxiety disorders. Yesterday was one of those days for me and that was just the beginning of a roller coaster of an afternoon.
Tina Belcher gets me
Things have been a wee bit stressful for me this week, like every week it seems now – hi adulthood. However,this week, was a little bit more… the rabbit hole swallowed me up and I am trying to hop my way out of this funk.
You name it and I am willing to bet that I have lost sleep over it this week:
- House troubles – stupid AC & the long to-do list 😦
- Money – I can always use more, just like everyone else right??
- Job stress – UGH.
- Relationships – both current and past
- Health – Supplements, green tea, immunity boosting bad-cervical-cell fighting arsenal
- Chipped toenail polish – which is a clear sign that I have given up
- Self reflection – or nit picking at this point, I have been really hard on myself 😦
- 5 year plan – Where do I want to be, personally and financially and I don’t see myself hitting these goals
- Food – Trying to eat better, then stuffing my face full of ice cream sandwiches, pizza and eating half the deli’s pastries for breakfast…I wish I were kidding.
- Plants – Why are they all sad? Why am I sad!?
The list goes on and on really but these are the big ones and they are not necessarily in the correct “OMFG PANIC” order, clearly because coffee and tea would prob be first 😉 .
Anyway, back to the mania realization… post Starbucks meltdown, I was back to the work grind…er pressure. Along with all the other things that has plagued my mind most of the week, the boss pressure apparently just put me over the edge. My department can be what I describe as a zoo at times and that does not go well with an INFJ personality. I need order, black and white – cannot handle this circus madness at times. Soooo then as things started to unfold in said zoo and I started to feel a bit crazed.
While I was smiling, making jokes, chatting excessively in an ADD fashion, feeling awkwardly happy, crazy and euphoric as they say…which is the perfect description. I wish I knew what let to this bit of madness… and how to better explain how I feel during these times because reading my words, just does not give it justice. I assume my brain just had enough, then the dip hit by late afternoon. Typically swings like this are not so quick – I assume the better description would be mixed mania or even hypomanic? Anyway, the depressed portion really got me down – go figure?! Of COURSE Katrina -DUH.
I just feel… a mess. I am still searching for the correct words I guess and figuring it out. I need to make a new therapy appointment and perhaps see if I need to adjust my meds again.
One good thing did come from this week, I found a certification course to become a mental health peer supporter – I am blanking on the official fancy title at the moment, but it is for people who are recovering! You have to take 40 hours in person training, additional 16 hours of courses (online) and pass an exam (yikes). It is overwhelming to think about, but I want to make this my goal (fight those mental blocks), so I can give back to my community and learn more along the way. Wish me luck!
Random Fact: I also need sleep, I did not drift off until 3A and up at 6A 😦
Tired of it -.- anyway….
Here is what I am asking of you my friends! Do you have any experience with mania, bipolar disorders or mood swings? How do you try to get a handle on it? Does it impact your work and relationships (romantic and platonic)? PLEASE share in comments!
xoxo ❤ ,