As I have mentioned before, I suffer from anxiety and depression. As someone who has dealt with this for many years, it’s deeply comforting to meet someone “who gets it” especially if that person happens to eventually become your significant other.
I met a lovely man whom I will call… Caterpillar. There is a story behind that but hey, that’s not the point of this post.
Caterpillar also suffered from depression and anxiety so he “got it.” He understood my anxious days or lower days because he has suffers from them too. It felt like he understood me better than myself most days. That feeling is, earth shattering. Before I knew it, I felt a little less guarded and cared for this Caterpillar very much.
He didn’t scream at me to get over it, shut me out and leave when I had bad anxiety days. Not like what I had to deal with in the past. I was with someone for 5 years and he never understood me quite like Caterpillar. Even though we both had bad breakups, we fell into whatever you want to call it…
Here is the thing with two individuals who suffer from these mental issues… No one responds or handles things the same. So yes, we did have some bumps in the road as you could imagine. While I like to be with my loved one on bad days, he wanted to be alone. Thats just how it was. So fast forward through our days of being inseparable and acting like kids in love in toy isles… Which is a literal statement 🙏🏻.
The day came, winter was especially hard on us. I combat the lack of sun with vitamin d supplements and try to keep going. He, took it harder and eventually there came a day where he said his depression got to a level that concerned him and that he needed time to focus on himself and figure a few things out alone.
Again, I would want someone to be beside me in these cases and have before. He obviously wanted to be alone, which was not out of character for him. I didn’t understand it, but respected it.
While I looked for any reason for this to make sense in my raging anxious mind, which irritated him. It wasn’t me, it was him needing time to sort through things,go to the doc and do it alone. I just needed to understand that.
It was/is hard. I saw this man almost every day per his own requests – I didn’t push or was the overbearing woman – in any way and we had the best of times. We were fine the day before, so this was a bit of a blindsided situation.
I tried my best to try to be apart of his life because from what he was telling me, he was in a dark place and I am a bleeding heart for the ones I care about. He still needed his space. So… I somehow found the strength to not text him unless he initiated it.
Which he did and still does…even though he wanted to fully disconnect. Which helped me hanging to hope. Now here is the real portion of the post that I want you to focus on – the back story was important but my cry for help if you will or looking for thoughts on hope.
This man has never lied to me in any way and I trust him 100% and I saw with my own eyes, his struggle. He wasn’t just using this for an excuse to leave. If that was the case, why still keep in contact at all. Which we have had over the past month – a couple days may go by but he always touches base with me. I have also seen him cut off people who brought negativity in his life and yet he hasn’t done that to me.
My friends and family seem to have an issue with me still responding to him… Still having hope. Here is the thing, they dont suffer from mental illness. They don’t understand it at all really, so I feel it’s easy for them to say: you need to cut all ties and move on.
I have been in a dark place. I know what it’s like to feel self hatred, confusion, anxiety and struggling to get out of bed. They don’t.
So here I am. I’m still holding on to hope and he stated he has hope as well but he didn’t want me to wait around because “it wasn’t fair to me.” To me, that’s my choice but he didn’t see it that way.
So here is my question for people who are in relationships where one or both of you have depression and/or anxiety….
- Have you ever been pushed away? If so, did you hang in there?
- Did you have people call you weak or essentially made you feel silly for holding on to hope?
- What advice do you have for me!?
I feel very alone in my case and hope to hear some thoughts from you.
Happy Monday everyone and I hope you have a great start to your week!
Sending lots of love and good vibes ❤️